Weekend update 5/7

My girls were in town! Got to see R&C Friday night at Alta for a group birthday dinner for R. Had a good time seeing them and getting to know some of their NY friends. Dave busted his ass to get there which meant a lot. And dragged his brother upstairs to meet me which also made me feel good.

Saturday I did brunch and shopping in the West Village with R&C. PERFECT NY Spring Day! Then I went running along the West Side Hwy which felt great. I don't run that much anymore because of my knees but I have to bust out every once in awhile. Elliptigirlies gets so boring.

Saturday night Dave and I were supposed to "talk" and then meet up with R&C. I put myself through fucking HELL because he never freakin' called me back. I met up with R&C and two other girls and had a couple drinks. I so needed that "laugh with the girls" time but I was still preoccupied with why Dave hadn't called me. He never does that.

Sunday around noon he finally calls and says, "Hey...I hung out with my mom and brother and sister last night. How are you?" I was like, "Huh?" Apparently there was a huge miscommunication and he thought we were supposed to have brunch on Sunday because I was hanging out with my friends Saturday night. I told him exactly what I had said Saturday morning and he realized that he fucked up.

So it was all a misunderstanding but my GOD that boy put me through hell that night. I was reeling and overanalyzing. I swear. So then we were supposed to hang out Sunday night and he ended up getting too tired from deck-building so now we're hanging out tonight (Monday).

I can't wait until that damn deck is finished. It's seriously cutting into my sex life.

I had a great conversation with both my sister and dad last night re: relationship stuff. I feel much better about letting Dave know how I feel about a couple of things now. That, along with R&C's support Saturday night, have me rearing to go!

Beta launch for the site is tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!! SO EXCITED! I think this damn thing is actually going to happen!!!!!!!!

Up and Down

I blew up at Dave last night. I don't get enough sex. It's like we've been married 15 years and I'm the man wanting to have more sex. I've been needing to talk with him about where we stand and there never seems to be a good time to bring it up. So my frustration builds up and comes out at the wrong time. I gotta work on that.

I think we'll be fine I just need to verbally hear him say that he sees potential in us and is either falling for me or could see that happening so I'm not putting myself through the bullshit of his complicated life for nothing.

He got to meet two of my girlfriends from LA last night and I was on SUCH a high after that. He even commented on it. But the night went longer than we anticipated and we didn't get home until 12:30am. He had been up since 4:30am. This was the 3rd date in a row where we weren't going to be together. This is so hard for me. Maybe I'm being a brat but I'm falling for this guy and want to be with him. And it's almost worse when he's in bed with me but asleep. So close, yet......

What I love is after I was done yelling at him last night he shushed me and I said, "Don't shush me. It pisses me off" and then he attacked me and we had sex. And it was quick but hot. It was his way of saying, "This is frustrating for me too." I needed to "hear" that one way or another.

How are we supposed to build a relationship together if he's too fuckin' tired all the time? He busts his ass to see me twice a week so I know his heart's into it.

I guess I'll just have to decide if I can deal with the whole package that is "Dave".

And right now I want to.

Weekend update 4/23

I just realized I didn't do a post last Monday. Huh.

My weekend didn't go the way I had planned but ended great. Was supposed to meet up with a friend that was in town from San Fran Friday night but she never called. I was annoyed because I would've gone to the gym but instead I sat around all night waiting for a call that never came. I didn't have her number.

Saturday I went to Park Slope and my friend Hans made brunch for me. Really good fritatta with potatoes. He had a strawberry smoothie waiting for me when I walked in the door. So sweet. We chatted for a long time and then he showed me around the area and we walked through Prospect Park. It was a GORGEOUS weekend so it was really nice.

Then Dave and I were supposed to hang out Saturday night but by 6:30pm I hadn't heard from him which is unlike him. He called then and said that he had to handle some family drama and wouldn't be able to hang out. Which was fine. I just felt bad for him. As if he doesn't have enough to deal with. That guy can take on so much. It's crazy.

Sunday he took me to Da Silvano for lunch. SUCH a good meal! I would only eat vegetable if I could cook them the way that chef did. And I ate ferns. Fern stems that hadn't bloomed yet and were curled up and sitting in butter. Yummmm.

Had a greyhound and planned on only having one more of those and that would be it for alcohol, but noooooo...

Dave ordered a bottle of champagne that we split. That got me buzzed. We walked around SoHo, Little Italy, Chinatown and ended up at the Williamsburg bridge on South Street and walked along the water. It was really nice.

Then we met up with his friend Steve and a girl that was visiting him from out of town. Had 3-4 beers at that bar. Then we went to dinner and had two different wines there. I was drunk.

We had a great time. I was all-consumed with having "the talk" but it never happened and I'm over it. At one point I did bring up with him that I don't want to add any more stress to his already too stressful life and he said, "I just need you to be patient with me when I'm tired sometimes."

That one simple statement wiped out all of my stupid, girly overanalyzation. I was laughing to myself. I thought, "I can do that. No problem."

The only other thing I was wanting to talk about was if he saw potential in us but I know he does just by the way he talks. Eventually I'll need to hear the actual words come out of his mouth but I'm good for now.

NY is SO AMAZING right now! It's the springtime weather I've always heard so much about. Everyone is outside, smiling, looking good, eating at the outdoor cafes. Ahhhh, I'm in heaven right now.

Bad week

I started to freak out about my situation with Dave and had a couple of bad moments with him this week. I snapped at him on Tuesday night at dinner for no reason. Then this weekend we went out Saturday night and actually had a BLAST. Went to this great restaurant, Momofuku, with Pete, Crisi, Aaron & Beth. We got wasted though. Wasted.

Beth was so great to me. She was telling me that they hated his last girlfriend and she knows that Dave's life is really complicated which makes him frustrating to date but she said she wants me to hang in there because they like me so much. Felt so good to hear her say that. I thought it was so sweet.

I was frustrated when Dave and I got back to my place that night because I wanted to be with him so badly but he was too tired to have sex. And - as always - I understand as he spent the day busting through concrete in the ground behind his house to try and rebuild his deck and was up early in the morning and we didn't get home until 3am. But the fact remains that we don't have sex that often and it frustrates me.

So Sunday we went to brunch with Pete and Crisi. I was hungover and proceeded to have 5 drinks. Got drunk. And I can be a bitchy, moody drunk. I started thinking ahead to this summer when Dave's going to be busier than he is now and got really depressed.

In the car on the way home he could tell I was frustrated that he wasn't staying with me that night and said, "It's not like I'm running around getting drunk with friends." I know, I know. Then he apologized for being too tired Saturday night. I told him it's okay but I'm still frustrated. Then I asked him if he's going to be busier this summer than he is now because I need to prepare myself emotionally and he said yes.

I got really quiet. I told him I need a "state of the union" this week and I got pouty and left the whole great weekend on a sour note. I HATE that I did that - I feel really bad - but I was drunk and in my mood.

We've been dating for 2 months and he really could be it for me. I have no idea where his head is though. So I'm equally looking forward to chatting with him this week and also scared to death. One thing that will help us is for me to not get so freakin' wasted. I'll work on that.

What I'm going to tell him is that I understand the amount of pressure he's under and I certainly don't want to add to that. So I'm going to work on my attitude and try not to get pouty and pissy when he can't spend the night. I'm sure I will sometimes but I'm going to work on that part of my personality. But what I need from him is to know if he sees potential in "us" and if he's really hoping I'll hang in there with him. If he does feel that way then the frustration of dealing with his schedule and lack of energy will be worth it.

Because he's worth it. He's fucking amazing. I'm in HEAVEN when I'm with him and he'll be worth the wait.

I'm also going to tell him that what will help me get through the frustrating times is for him to send me a tiny text message that says, "miss you" or something like that. Would make my whole day. Just every once in awhile as a nice surprise. I'm a girl and I need to hear that shit every once in awhile.

Now - will I be able to get through this conversation without crying? Prooooobably not because I'm so fucking sensitive and nervous about it but we'll see.

Weekend update 4/9

Friday night I went to the gym after work then went home and waited for my work friend to call about maybe going out that night. "The Sound of Music" was on TV so I curled up on the couch and howled and yodeled for the next 1 1/2 hours. Work buddy never called but that was a good thing because I was exhausted.

I read "A Movable Feast" on Saturday. Really good book. Loved it. Then went to gym again and then went to see the Will Ferrell movie and it's hysterical! Loved it. Much better than "Anchorman" in my opinion.

Didn't get drinks after the movie...everyone wanted to go home which was fine with me because I wanted to go to church for Easter Sunday for some reason. Haven't been to church since high school (except for weddings/funerals) and I was just in the mood.

So I Googled "Methodist church West Village" and found one on 7th Avenue and went. It was soooo interesting. It's a church that's very liberal and open to everyone which I liked. So there was a good ethnic mix, gays are welcome, etc. Two homeless guys were there and they kept getting up during the service. One obsessively combed his hair the whole time.

They had interpretive dancers, hip hop dancers, 4 different ministers. The Latino minister sounded just like Stimpy from "Ren & Stimpy" so I was having to supress my laughter which works really well in church. He would say something like, "The jjjoy I feel wif Hay-sus in my liiife..." and I would think, "Telllll me a story..." (the famous Stimpy line).

I sang, "Christ is Risen" and other songs who's lyrics I don't agree with. There was a guy playing the electric guitar in bad Santana-style. They had the "meet the person next to you" thing but it lasted 10 minutes and I swear I met everyone in the church. One woman hugged me. Then they had a "if you're a visitor please stand up" moment. Ugh. So I stood up and then they said, "If you feel comfortable please introduce yourself to the congregation."

Aaaaaand I sat down.

The main sermon was pretty good (read: short) and he didn't preach. He admitted that he sometimes has a hard time with the whole "resurrection of the body" part which I thought was interesting.

Anyway...lovely experience. Don't think I'll be going back there anytime soon but I'm glad I did it.

Then I ate brunch at Grey Dog's and got the Times and read about a photo exhibit in the Arts & Leisure section so I decided to go because it was closeby in Chelsea. The pictures were just okay. She's been to some of the same places as me and she literally had one photo that was EXACTLY like one of mine but it's not an interesting picture so I didn't understand why it was included.

They had two floors dedicated to art about the Dalai Lama and I bought a book in the bookstore called "The Quantum and the Lotus" about how physics and Buddhism aren't mutually exclusive. Reason & Faith. I've always been interested in that stuff.

Love how I started the day at a Methodist church and ended it on Buddhism. WTF?

I then proceeded to search 4 different drug stores for Cadbury eggs because I treat myself to a 3-pack every year but they were all out. So I got 2 of the Reece's eggs and then a caramel Cadbury egg. Then later in the day I got a piece of carrot cake.

Can we saaaaaay PMS?

Dave was at his parents all weekend so I didn't get to see him but we're hanging out tomorrow night. Was good to miss him a little bit. Okay a lot. Am dying to see him.

Our website finally has a launch date of May 8th! Yay!!!!!

yay :)

I was a little disappointed earlier this week because Dave hadn't invited me to his parent's place in upstate NY for Easter. I knew he was going up there and not that it's 100% expected at this point that he should invite me but it's pretty close.

Wednesday night we went to dinner at Freeman's (where we had our first date) and he brought it up and said that he wanted to bring me up there but there are so many family members staying at his parent's place that I'd be sleeping on the floor. He's on either the floor or a couch as it is. So that made me feel better :)

We had a great night Wednesday night. Fun conversation where you're sharing funny stories of stupid stuff you did as a kid, etc.

I'm liking him more and more. I feel so safe with him and he makes me laugh and makes me want to be a better person. He treats me so well. He's the most responsible guy I've ever met besides my dad. The safest I've felt in my adult life is when he comes up behind me and holds onto me and puts his chin on my shoulder and kisses my neck. Heaven.

My other favorite thing he does is he'll grab a couple of my fingers and put them to his lips as if my fingers were a pen or something and he's thinking deeply about something. He'll kiss them and just hold them there. I love when he does that.

Please forgive me. I'm in lala land....

Won't get to see him as he's leaving tonight for his parents house but it'll be good to miss each other.

I may go out with a co-worker tonight and then perhaps see a movie tomorrow and then I might go to church on Easter Sunday. We'll see. Depends on if I go out Saturday night. For some reason I'm in the mood to get a speech about being a good person.

Wonder what I'm subconsciously feeling guilty about?

Weekend update 4/3

Dinner with Dave Friday night. Poor boy got up at 4:30am that morning and worked all day and then met me for dinner and we were up until about 1am. I don't know how he does it. His work isn't going to let up anytime soon and if anything is going to get busier which stinks because that means I won't get to see him that much. And when I do I'm getting the last ounce of juice he has in him for the day.

Doesn't make for great sex.

I'm very impatient by nature and am going to try and work on that part of my personality so I don't get too frustrated. He can't help it. He started his company about 3 years ago and has to work his ass off to get it going. PLUS, his dad is his partner so his parent's retirement is tied up in this company too. So he has just a LITTLE bit of pressure on him.

I'm lucky I get to see him at all and am flattered that he pushes himself to ensure we do have time together.

Saturday I slept late then worked out and then met up with my friend Amy for drinks which was fun. A guy came up to her and said, "I've been wanting to talk to you all night. But I'm leaving now." And left. What the fuck? Men....

Sunday I slept until 2:45pm! I guess I was tired from having Dave over Friday night and not sleeping well. I'm getting better at actually catching some zzz's when Dave spends the night but it takes some getting used to.

So I just read the Times and then watched "Planet Earth" and "The Apprentice" and went to bed.

Weekend update 3/26

This weekend wasn't exactly what I thought it would be but it was still a good time. Dave, Pete and I drove to the Asbury Park area in New Jersey to stay at their friend TJ's house for the weekend. It was time for them to bottle what's left of their grenache and all of their pinot noir.

TJ's wife wasn't there until the last night because her mom was sick. So it was just me and the 3 boys. I thought it was going to be a huge group of people. But that's fine with me. I love hanging out with the boys.

Friday night Dave was really stressed and tired. Had a shitty day. So we just had some beer, pizza and the boys smoked pot and we went to bed early.

Saturday morning Pete made us breakfast and we sat around for a few hours and then the guys started sterilizing the wine bottles. I sat and watched/read the paper.

We played ping pong. I forgot how much I like playing. Must get a table whenever I have a house. Then we started siphoning the wine from the big jugs into the wine bottles. I helped with that. They even made labels...had the cork machine...foil wrappers...whole deal. So cute.

They made a GREAT meal Saturday night. Cornish hens that they deep fried...grilled veggies and twice baked potatoes. And tons of wine to drink of course. I swear it's magical wine because it tastes good, gets you drunk but none of us were hungover. FINALLY. The perfect drink.

Kristin - TJ's wife - was able to join us Saturday night. Dave said she's one of his favorite people and I can see why. She's so nice and we really got along. We played darts after dinner while the guys finished bottling the wine.

Then we all stayed up late drinking and talking and listening to music. It was fun but the last hour I was dying to get Dave in bed as the sexual tension had been building all day. I swear I feel like a 17-year old guy sometimes. But I wasn't going to be the one to end the evening. Finally Dave did :)

Sunday morning he made french toast (I'm so spoiled) and then we headed back home.

It's starting to unnerve me a bit that Dave's literally perfect. There's NOTHING wrong with this guy. He knows something about everything. He's so thoughtful. He's funny as hell. His personality reminds me of Ed Burns. The way he and his friends are with each other is a lot like that. Cracks me up. He treats me like a queen.

It may sound stupid but I'm having a hard time accepting it all. He gives SO much and I don't know how to give back. He won't let me pay for things. He can cook; I can't. I'll finish my breakfast and he'll grab my plate and clean it. I'm like, "I can DO it, babe!" This is what I've always wanted and DESERVE and now that I have it I don't know how to deal with it. Ha. Love it.

My Gym

I've finally accepted the fact that I'm going to be in a relationship with Bally's Gym for a really long time. I'm one of the idiots that signed a 3-year contract and then couldn't get out of it in the way they said I'd be able.

I'm sure I could just not pay the bill and have a small blemish on my credit report which really wouldn't matter to me, but I've actually gotten used to going to the gym so it's fine. They win.

What cracks me up are some of the regulars that go there.

You've got your married couple that wear lame-ass matching outfits. They wear those wrestling type jackets so that they'll sweat more. Both sport fanny packs, however I've never seen them access the contents.

You've got the girl that thinks she has a better body than she does so she flashes WAY too much flesh. Just wears a sports bra-type top and low-rider spandex pants so that her massive, pale-skinned gut hangs out.

You've got the tiny Asian chick that weighs about 80 lbs. and therefore can't do more than 5 minutes of cardio or she'll faint.

You've got the girl that can't stick to a machine. This girl drives me nuts. She'll do 10 minutes on one elliptical. Then switch to another one. Then go to the treadmill for 5 minutes. Then back to an elliptical. WTF? Just stay on a machine. They're allllll the same, babe.

You've got the Bally's trainers that don't have any clients because they haven't been able to con any members into paying $2,000 for shitty "customized" training. So they hang out and do breakdancing moves in the middle of the floor.

And lastly, you've got the poor, fat lady that walks for about 10 minutes on the treadmill at 2 mph...sweats up a storm...and then says, "Phew! Damn! I'm done!" Love her. You go girl. Gotta start somewhere.

There's more but I'll stop here. I love people watching at my gym.

Weekend update 3/19

Friday night my work friend, Ramin, invited me to a poetry reading. A friend of his was involved somehow. I was looking forward to it as it would be something different to do but Friday was the wintery day from hell in NYC. It was sleeting ALL DAY LONG. I worked from home that day and just listened to it slamming against my window ALL DAY LONG.

Dave had agreed to go with me - I love how he's up for anything - but by the end of the day I wanted to bail on the poor poetry reading and just go to dinner. It didn't start until 10:30pm which is tough on a Friday night (how fucking old AM I?).

So we officially bailed and went to a great new restaurant called Trestle in Chelsea. Then he spent the night and had to leave at 8am the next morning to get work done so that he'd be able to hang out for St. Patty's Day.

We met up around 4pm and went to Bleecker Street Pub/Bar/whatever the third word is. His sister's boyfriend is the manager there. It was perfect because it wasn't too crowded and we didn't have to pay for many of the beers.

So I got to meet the sister, Sandy, and we got along famously. She's a cool chick. Grew up with brothers so we have the same attitude about how annoying most women are, etc. I caught Dave staring at me a couple of times when Sandy and I would be laughing about something and then we'd just stare at each other for a good 10 seconds and smile. Good times...

So we drank there for a couple hours and then went to a place called Schiller's to get some grub. The place looked familiar but I couldn't place it and then later realized that's where Idiot Notre Dame boy Dan took me after I spent the night at his place this one time. Haha....

After Schiller's (where I had the BEST freakin' cocktail... raspberry/mint/rum/somethingorother) we went back to the bar and it was packed by this point but the Bar Stool Gods were on our side because within 5 minutes the people right in front of us left and we got to sit at the bar. Perrrrrrfect.

Sandy told me that she thinks I look like Mandy Moore. Which was so funny because Dave's girl friends said the same thing to me. Then Dave said he thinks I look like a combination of Ellen Pompeo and Diane Lane. Which cracked me up because I didn't know that he had even thought about it. He doesn't watch TV or movies that much so he doesn't really know anyone. He didn't know who Mandy Moore was.

We kept drinking until about 11:30pm and Dave was about to pass out. Not from being drunk (I swear the boy never gets drunk) but just from being tired from working hard/playing hard.

We went back to my place and just spooned all night because the poor boy was exhausted. Fine with me...

Sunday he didn't have to work so we got brunch at Grey Dog's which for once wasn't crowded (thank you very much, St. Patty's Day hangovers)...ate there and then got the paper and came back to the apartment and read the Times for a few hours. Then we saw "Zodiac" which was good but so fucking long. I had no idea it was going to be that long. Then we grabbed dinner at a really good Greek restaurant across the street from my apartment.

We finally had the chat about ex-girlfriends/boyfriends so I had to come clean about how I basically HAVE no ex-boyfriends. When I was finished I said, "I hope that didn't freak you out" and he said, "No, it's hard to freak me out."

What's weird is that I didn't tell him about Joe but not because I didn't want to but he literally didn't even enter my thoughts. I didn't realize I left him out until I saw an email from a friend of mine this morning. Haven't talked with her in awhile and she asked about Joe. Then I thought, "God, I didn't even tell Dave about him."

Don't know what that says about me...that I can completely forget something like that. Whatever...

From Dave and I's conversation I wasn't quite clear on how ready he is to settle down. We've only been dating for a month so we're so not there yet but if he's the type that's not going to get married until he's 50 then that's something I need to know. He did comment on how he completely understands how women feel their biological clocks ticking and that's why the really start wanting to settle down when they're in their 30's. But I wasn't sure if he was saying he's not ready for that or not.

Whatever...I'm just going with it for now. He and I are going to New Jersey this coming weekend for the latest bottling of the wine that he and his friends make. Should be fun.

Hot Actor Boy Jeffrey Returns...

I feel like Carrie from "Sex & the City" when she was starting to get serious with Berger but was still having occasional phone sex with Big.

I'm getting serious with Dave and I just got an email from Hot Actor Boy Jeffrey that said:

You were in my dream last night. We weren't getting
it on, but we were about to...

So as per our routine, I'm supposed to retort with something sexual. Since our emails are so infrequent I'll probably just send him a "quickie" and then I won't hear from him for a couple months.

Men.

I'm Done

I just had dinner with Dave and.....I'm done. He's the one. I'm in love with him. Signed, sealed, delivered. He's it.

It's nothing specific that I can site, but just an overall feeling. An accumulation of everything he represents. I want to be with him all the time and when I'm not I'm counting the minutes until I will see him again. I just got home and I'm doing it already. Won't see him again until Friday night and I can't wait.

And now I'm freaked out. What if he doesn't feel the same way? That's my initial freakout moment, but I'm good at calming myself the fuck down and realizing that all I can do is be myself and hope that's enough. He might not be at the same place but hopefully he will be someday.

I made sure to mention tonight that it bothered me that he was self-deprecating this past Sunday night when I said I was really excited about us and he said something like, "Eh, be careful. This is me you're talking about."

I said that I wanted to make sure he knew that I thought he's wonderful. That he's great. And he acted like he didn't remember it going down exactly like that (defense mechanism) and accepted my compliment and said that he thinks I'm great as well.

I'm just glowing....

Weekend update 3/12

I can't believe it's March 12th, 2007.

But anyway.

Dave, and I are progressing nicely. I'm SO excited about him! We had a really great weekend. Friday night we ate dinner at a tapas place right near my house. Got into more intimate-type conversation. Instead of dismissively saying, "I have a fucked up sibling" or whatever we actually revealed specifics, etc. He looked so good that night. He came home with me and spent the night and we had our coffee/couch talk in the morning. He told me funny stories about this guy he was partnered with when he was steamfitting (laying pipes). He's met the most interesting people...

Saturday night he had to work so I went to a couple of birthday parties. One for Stevie Nix and then one for my roommate's friend at a bar called Lava Gina. Gotta love it.

Sunday Dave and I had a PERFECT day. Went to the Met and wandered around for a couple hours until they closed. He and I have the same taste in art. And of course he worked on the renovation of the Met so he had some cool stuff to tell me about the building. He so damn interesting I sometimes wonder why he's not bored with me yet.

We're good at holding hands and looking at stuff and then separating and going our own way for awhile and then reconnecting. There would be times that we'd be separated and say I was standing there by myself...he would come up behind me and walk by me, grazing me, hand trailing on my butt and then would just keep walking and we wouldn't even look at each other. Then I'd find him later and do it back to him. So hot!

Then he took me to this great Italian restaurant, Baraonda. We feasted because neither of us had eaten all day. Salad, gnocci, sea bass, tirimisu, great wine (he hasn't picked a bad wine yet). More good conversation.

Then he took me to The Campbell Apartment which is the most amazing bar/lounge I've ever seen in my life. It's in Grand Central Station. It was so romantic and you just feel the history sitting there. More good conversation. Tasted some fun cocktails. He came back to my place again and left this morning. He "slept in" until 6am. The boy has to get up so early for work. Crazy.

At The Campbell Apartment he asked me "what do I think of all this?" After a second I realized he was asking what I thought about he and I. I said I think he's amazing and I haven't been this excited about someone in a long time and then he was self-deprecating and said something like, "Nah, be careful. This is me you're talking about." I wish he hadn't done that. Not the time to be self-deprecating. It's the time to take the damn compliment. I was nervous and didn't pick up on it like I should have so I let it go and basically said that I was having a really good time with him and he said the same.

We're in a great place. Really enjoying each other and are taking it as it comes. Not putting pressure on it. It's so easy with him. No games.

My mom asked me today if I had taken my Match.com profile off yet. I hadn't yet but am going to right now. Sign of faith in he and I...

Not this weekend but next weekend we're driving to south Jersey to spend the weekend with all of his friends because they're bottling the latest wine that they've made. He said it's really fun. They make big meals, drink the wine and just hang out and have fun. It sounds great.

Ahhhhhhhh...this feels so good! To be in a healthy, adult relationship for once. They actually exist people!

Belt loop

Had dinner last night with Dave at my new favorite restaurant, Zoe, in Soho. I went there for Thanksgiving with my parents and we loved it. Have been wanting to go back ever since to see what their regular food is like. SO good!

It was a great night. We needed it. Just the two of us. His omnipresent friends......not present.

Good food, good wine, good conversation. We moved to the bar after we finished our long dinner so that we could soak up every minute we had together before he had to go back to work. As we sat next to each other he put his hand around my waist and he tugged at my belt loop and that small gesture sent shivers throughout my body. He just does it for me.

His company is rebuilding the infrastructure of Macy's Herald Square and all the construction guys are working nights since the store's still open during the day so he has to go there to make sure they're on the ball. We were cursing the fact that he had to go to work.

We're going to hang out again tonight but he doesn't have to go back to work.

Sweeeeeet.... [insert emoticon of devil-ish face]

Crappy Picture of Dave

Here's the picture I had to go on in Dave's match.com profile. Can barely tell what he looks like but it's something...

"Dave and Stacey"

Had my 5th date with Dave this weekend. It lasted 24 hours :)

At one point mid-Sunday his friend Pete was on the phone with another of their friends who had asked who he was hanging out with. Pete replied, "It's Chrissy and I and Dave and Stacey." It just hit me that we're already "Dave and Stacey" and that didn't freak me out.

Sat. night we went to dinner with 3 other couples. Met at his friends Aaron & Beth's who have an apartment at Grammercy Park. They're so cute. Married. Have all the perfect Crate & Barrell cheese knifes, wine carafe's, etc. Had a nice cheese/oyster spread for us. Went to dinner at this french restaurant that was annoying/hysterical. Annoying because we had a reservation but apparently that didn't matter. Hysterical because our waiter was high on something and was bouncing around the restaurant yelling strange things. Jumped ON TOP OF OUR TABLE when he was seating us and shouted something inaudible. At least my sea bass was good.

When we were waiting for a table Aaron and Beth were talking Dave up to me. Saying he was one of their favorite people and he's the greatest guy, etc. I love that.

Went to Fanelli's cafe in Soho afterwards after the line at Merck Bar was too long for us. Then he came back to my place. He said, "There's no place I'd rather be right now." Awwwwwwwww........ Then he pinned me against the wall. Yeah, baby!

Sunday morning we sat on the couch and he was telling me a little bit about the different places he's travelled. In the Navy he had to go to Yemen where there was a revolution/coup happening. Crazy stuff. He's so interesting to talk to.

We got brunch at Spotted Pig with Pete & Chrissy and ended up moving to the bar after our meal was done and stayed there from 11am - 5pm. It was really fun. Then we thought it would be a good idea to crash Aaron and Beth's place all buzzed and giggly and hung out there for a little bit and then went back to Pete's apartment to order food and I finally got home around 8:30pm.

He's...just...GREAT! He's strangely perfect for me. He makes me feel wonderful. But he doesn't overdo it. I'm not starving for his affection nor am I wanting him to back off a little. It's like he knows exactly what I need/want. He keeps my ego in check. He finds my quirkiness amusing. He can handle my little sassy comments without getting sensitive. I love that his family and friends are really important to him. He babysits his nephew all the time.

We're at this fun point where we can't stop touching each other whether it's holding hands or him petting my hair or rubbing my back or whatever. If we're hanging out with other people we're both secretly wanting them to leave so we can sneak a kiss or two in. Then when it happens we get caught and made fun of - as we should.

I asked him about his match.com profile that's no longer active and he said he took it off. I asked him how long he was on there and he said a week and a half. He was drunk with friends when he put it up there and I was the only person he emailed and met. Of course my smart ass replied, "Well, you lucked out." His friends were talking about an upcoming trip in July and he said, "If you're still talking to me in July you're coming."

I'm just so excited about him! This is something big for me...

Oh, and Friday night I finally watched "March of the Penguins" despite my extremely irrational fear/hatred of the creatures in the hopes it would cure me.

I didn't. I'm sorry but they're just fuckin' freaky.

Last night

Went to a dinner last night with Dave, his friend Pete (bday boy), Pete's girlfriend, Pete's parents, and another couple. I'm smitten with Dave. He's such a solid guy and he makes me laugh. The more I get to know him the more I like him. Last night he revealed that he and Pete get in fights over politics because Pete doesn't vote and that drives Dave nuts. Dave's the type that makes sure to read the news everyday because he feels it's his responsibility to be an educated voter. Whatever - it's a small thing but all of those small things add up.

He's from New Canaan, CT and was a competitive swimmer when he was younger. He mentioned that he competed in Amsterdam when he was 14 years old but all the other guys were 16-18 years old. Pretty impressive, but he says it like it's not a big deal. Humble. He went to college for a year and decided that it wasn't for him and he'd rather travel around the world with the Navy. So he was in the Navy for 5 years.

We're going to have dinner Saturday night with Pete & his girlfriend and the other couple. I'm at the point now where Saturday seems SO far away and I can't believe I have to wait that long to see him again. [smile]

Weekend Update 2/25

Friday night I rented "Idiocracy" and finally stopped by this BBQ place I pass everyday as I walk home from work and had a really good pulled pork sandwich. The guy was so cool too because my meal was under $15 so I couldn't use a card and I didn't have enough cash. So he said, "Eh, just come back tomorrow and pay." Pretty cool of him. When I went back Saturday to pay he recommended some other good neighborhood restaurants that are cheap but have good food. Love it!

Saturday night I went out with Dave from match.com again. It was his friend Pete's birthday so they had a group going to one of those Medival Times places. I was supposed to meet them at the Port Authority to catch the bus to NJ but I missed it. Long story but I finally made it there.

His friends are great. Really great group of people. Says a lot about Dave. And the Medival Times place was hysterical of course. Then we went to a bar for more drinking...and then to Pete's apartment for...more drinking. The sexual tension between Dave and I was building all night long. I'm SO attracted to him. He's so affectionate. I love it. And the BEST kisser!!! Phew. I hate it when you have to train someone.

So I was drunk and we stayed in Pete's guest room and I had sex with him. I probably shouldn't have but I seriously couldn't help myself. He just knows what he's doing and we're a perrrrfect fit. Feels so good.

I'm on a total high now. He's really great. I love his personality. Great smile. Sparkle in his eye. Motivated. Has his shit together. Makes me laugh. I'm excited :) Which means he probably won't call now. I was embarrassed because I had this freaking HUGE pimple on the side of my mouth. So attractive. I hid it well with makeup but in the morning...notsomuch.

We got breakfast this morning and are supposed to do something this week. He dropped me off and I proceeded to watch about 5 hours of Sex & the City on DVD (thank you, Carrie & Remi) and now I'm watching the Oscars. Laaaazzzzzzy day.

Weekend Update 2/20

Friday night I had a date with Dave from Match.com. He has a really cool personality. Easy to be around and a smart ass. I had fun, but for some reason I couldn't be 100% myself. There were definitely a few times where I said something and it didn't really reflect who I am or what I'm about. And I would laugh to myself. I think he did the same thing too. I hate 1st dates.

Saturday I started to feel sick. Was supposed to have dinner with my friend Amy and some others and I was looking forward to it. I thought I could tough it out but by the time I was at the restaurant my heart was beating double-time, my hands were shaking, I was nauseous and as I ran to the bathroom tears started streaming down my face. I don't know what the hell it was. Earlier in the day I had a headache and was nauseous. Ugh...

So I excused myself and went right back home (luckily it was literally 2 blocks away). Stayed home all day Sunday. It was my roommate's birthday but I was exhausted and I already celebrated it last weekend so I didn't feel bad staying home.

Monday the Dave guy from Friday night texted me to see if I wanted to grab a late lunch. I forgot to mention that he called me Saturday afternoon to say he had fun. Nice move. I hadn't called him back yet because I was sick and just not in the mood to talk. His text said, "I'm playing hard to get. Wanna get a late lunch?" I thought that was funny.

My Treo was dying to I bought a new cell phone. It's SO cool! I ditched the whole PDA thing although this new phone is still pretty swanky, but at least I saved $100. Then I met up with Dave and two of his guy friends ended up joining us. It was so much fun to hang out with 3 guys! I miss that.

Weekend Update 2/12

Friday night was fun but pathetic. It was my roommate's birthday celebration. Went to a bar called Secret (stupid name). Annette is really good at introducing me to people so I met a lot of her friends. Met a straight girl and because I'm Annette's roommate she assumed I was a lesbian. I could tell she really didn't want to talk with me and thought she just must be tired or something. Then she discovered that I'm not gay and lit up and said, "Oh! Hi! Nice to meet you!" It was funny.

I had 4 vodka/tonics and a little orange shooter thing the cute, gay bartender made me. I hadn't eaten that much during the day so I got really drunk. Was dancing with the bartender (always a sign the night needs to end). There was a really hot photographer guy there but I didn't meet him until the end of the night so I'm sure he thought I was annoying.

Annette and I got a slice of pizza and went home. I proceeded to throw up. Lovely. I was literally in bed all day long. Couldn't even drink water until about 3pm. Such an idiot.

My match.com date from Wednesday night texted me to see if I wanted to get a drink but I was too hungover. I managed to make it to my coworker Brian's party in Park Slope though. But not until after 11:30pm. Annette convinced me that I needed to go in case I could meet some cool people. Good point. So I rallied and it was exactly what I thought it would be. I saw the two guys I work with and the host of the party was busy...hosting...and the other one would rather eat his own foot than small talk with me and vice versa.

So I walked into the crowd over literary snobs and just didn't have it in me to try and break my way into one of the cliques. So I sat in a chair and drank a beer and then left.

Sunday morning I bought the Times, a banana and a bagel. Later on I saw "Because I Said So" and it was HORRIBLE!!! God! So damn bad! I was so pissed off sitting there. Then I went to Little Italy to a restaurant for some Chicken Parmesianga. Yummmmm...

Telly Savales Video

This is one of the most disturbing things I've ever seen. Just love that I was born in this decade...

Weekend update

On Friday my friend Eric emailed me and said that he wanted to come crash with me in NY for Super Bowl weekend. His wife was going to be out of town you see and he didn't want to watch it all by himself in Boston. They moved there about a year ago but he doesn't have many friends.

Friday night I had a match.com date that was just eh. And the guy sort of tried to kiss me...or at least have a "moment"...at the end of the date which was out of place given the casual nature and length of the date. I hate when guys try to get a kiss when it's completely inappropriate. He asked me if I'd want to go out again and of course I said yes even though I don't want to.

Eric arrived on Saturday afternoon. We went to Corner Bistro for burgers (so damn good) and had a beer there. Then we went to another bar for awhile and drank some more. We went back to my apartment and I was SO tired and just wanted to go to bed. It was 8pm. Fuck.

And I couldn't bail on him because he's married with an 8 month old kid so this is his weekend to "go crazy." [sighhhhh] Okayyyyyy. So we go to Chumley's and Eric proceeds to annihilate himself. He was talking with everyone in the bar. Forcing them to go check out the shitty jukebox (it was shitty, but still...) and telling them that China sucks. I don't know why China sucks but far be it for me to try and actually get a straight answer out of him when he's on his 12th beer.

Man, China sucks.

Finally, by 1:30am he wants to go home and pass out. He stumbles the one block to my place (thank God we didn't go farther away). I tuck him in to the couch and go to my bed. He comes in there and I get out of the bed and say, "Eric, what are you doing?" and he crashes in the middle of my bed.

Asshole.

So I slept on the couch.

Sunday we go get brunch at one of my favorite places, The Cupping Room, in Soho and then met up with our friend Boob/Mischievious Boy (all of my LA friends have weird nicknames). We met him in LA but now he lives back in NY.

Eric had two bloody mary's at brunch and then drank some beers at this bar. We get a cab to go back to my place to shower before the Super Bowl and in the cab he just all of a sudden pukes. We were stopped at a light and he tried to open the door but still got some of it on the cab door.

Eric and the cab driver proceed to have a screaming match in the middle of the street. I could tell Eric was trying to get the guy to hit him by the way he was yelling at him. I was standing there like a helpless little lamb. The cab driver finally agreed to take $40.

My favorite part is that about 5 minutes into it a woman in an SUV decides it's a good idea to roll her window down and say to the two, big, screaming men, "This is a really bad intersection...you're clogging traffic."

No shit, lady.

Eric and I went to the sports bar by my place to watch the game. Immature Notre Dame boy, Dan, was there with a couple of his friends. My roommate came with a girl she's dating and a couple of their friends which was fun. Eric drank more at the bar. I was amazed. I could never puke and then keep drinking. Ugh. Good for him though.

Dan and I talked some. It was good. And he only hit on me a couple of times so we're getting better. At the end of the night he didn't even hug me and said, "Good luck."

"Good luck?"

Gee, thanks. Guess that means I won't be hanging out with you guys anytime soon.

Last weekend/This weekend

Last weekend I went to a sketch comedy show at PIT but it wasn't very good. Was supposed to join everyone for dinner afterwards but it would've been about $60 (for BBQ no less) and I just didn't feel like spending the money. So I got takeout instead. One of the best inventions ever.

Saturday I saw "Pursuit of Happyness" and it was just okay. I totally want to buy a rubic's cube now.

I bought a bottle of wine. Had a couple glasses at home, watched "Save the Last Dance" for the 27th time and then went outside and stalked a couple bars to see if any cute guys were inside. Finally settled on one that I've had luck at before and sat down next to two cute guys. Ordered my beer and then saw they were both wearing wedding rings.

Perfect.

So I downed my beer...left...bought ice cream and went home and watched the end of "Titanic" and at the entire pint.

The cute 27-year old I had met a couple weeks ago emailed me on Friday and asked what I was up to. I told him I had plans Friday night but was free the rest of the weekend......and I never heard from him.

Anyway...Sunday I went to MoMA to see the Manet exhibit about the execution of Maximillian. It was really interesting. Then I went to the International Center of Photography to see a Henri Cartier-Bresson exhibit which was great. I love this city...

Monday Matt (cute 27-year old) emailed me and FINALLY asked me out for this weekend. Said he'd be in touch later in the week to pick a night. And here it is Friday-eve and I haven't heard from him. So I booked a date for tomorrow night and I have another guy waiting for Saturday night. If he doesn't email me by noon tomorrow then I'm booking Saturday night too. He's gonna have to learn the hard way.

Listen to me. Jesus.

Correction

I just bought a ticket through Fandango to see "Pursuit of Happyness" and it's actually $1.50 service charge not $1.00.

Fuckers.

Bucket of soda anyone? A barrel of popcorn, perhaps?

At the end of my work day today I decided to go to the movies to see "Notes on a Scandal" which was pretty good but that's not the point of this blog entry.

I knew the ins and outs of all my movie theaters in LA and it's been an adventure getting to know the theaters here. Union Square is where you go to see the big budget movies but you MUST buy tickets on Fandango (and spend an extra $1/ticket) ahead of time because anything good is always sold out. THEN you have to get there at LEAST 30 minutes before the movie starts to get in line outside the theater door if you have any hope of landing a seat that's not in the first row all the way to the right.

But what if you want to buy snacks? Oh, you have to get there even 20 minutes EARLIER to stand in THAT line. The smallest soda size you can buy is of course a "small" but it's a 32 OZ. BUCKET OF SODA for $4.25!!!

What the FUCK?!?!

Who wants to drink a bucket of soda and then sit still for 2 hours? I'm scared to see what the large soda looks like. Maybe they took the old large-sized popcorn barrels they don't need anymore (because that size is just to embarassingly small to sell these days) and used those for the large sodas.

Maybe I'll do "Super Size Me Part 2" and live in the Union Square movie theater for 30 days and only live off of what they sell there. I'll record my slow demise as I become glued to the toilet, be perpetually damp from all my tears representing what life with vegetables used to be like...oh, and I'll be homeless on Day 31 because it'd cost a month's rent to afford the "food" there (I just did the math on a calculator).

So for a Union Square flick I've learned that I have to leave my apartment at least 1 1/2 hours before the show starts to have any chance of a happy experience.

Fuckers.

I was hoping the Angelica theater near work would be better. And it is better in that I didn't have to get there early but those bitches tempt you with the widest assortment of beautiful baked goods I've ever seen in my life. Anything you could possibly want. Cookies, brownies, cakes, pies, danishes, bagels, etc. You name it, they got it. And of course for a low, low price.

Since I actually got my ass out of bed at 6:45am this morning and braved the cold to go to the gym I thought it best not to ruin that effort it took to burn 500 calories by eating a lemon bar. Excuse me...a lemon cinder block. It's seriously that big.

So I go downstairs where they have the regular snacks for people that like it old school. All I wanted was a coke and a small popcorn. I thought I had these NY theaters down pat and was prepared for my bucket of soda and barrel of popcorn but not at Angelica theater.

I was pleasantly surprised when the small-sized soda cup was actually pretty small. Excited, I ordered that and a small popcorn. Total was $3.85! No way! Sweet!

Got the cup (gotta fill it myself though - wouldn't want to put out the teenagers flirting behind the register) but no p'corn. Apparently, they didn't hear me. So it was $3.85 for a 12 oz. cup of soda! You've gotta be fucking KIDDING me! At least Union Square gives me a bucket to play with. There I feel like I'm at least getting something for my money. So much potential really. Wanna go fishing for Sour Patch Kids in my bucket of soda?

I hadn't had dinner so I asked for the popcorn and they tried to charge me $4.75 for a bag that would maaaaaybe contain 5 handfuls. I told them to forget it and acted all annoyed. Muttered to myself as I walked away, "I'll just starve I guess."

The point of this longass blog entry is to teach anyone who actually read this entire thing to buy your can of soda, chips and candy at the convenience store BEFOREHAND. I know the theaters make their money off of the snacks but it's totally out of control.

Hmmmm...now I'm thirsty. Where's my bucket?

Weekend Update

My weekend - as usual - wasn't as productive as I originally planned. Friday night I went to a cool bookstore in my neighborhood and bought a Noam Chomsky book and "In Cold Blood" as I've never read either. Then I ate dinner by myself at Doma - a new cafe I like. Then I just went home as I was exhausted. From what - I have no idea. Probably because I can't sleep. This has been going on for way too long. Need to see a doctor about it. But I digress. I turned my phone off just in case I got any late night calls.

Saturday morning I saw that I had a text from the NY Giants boy I met last weekend. He texted me with his apparent catch phrase, "What's the good word?" I saw that he had texted me at 12:39am the night before. Great. He just wants me to be a booty call. No thanks. I texted him back (as one never knows when a booty call can come in handy) but didn't hear from him the rest of the weekend.

I finally made it to the gym and then went to a friend's bday dinner in Queens and then we went to this club called The Pink Elephant. I wasn't in the mood but I didn't want to spoil the bday party so I went along for the ride. Plus, there was a cute Italian guy that came with us that had been eyeing me thoughout the dinner party - truth be told.

The music was so obnoxious. Just really not good. I met a guy from Israel that was a player but still had a sweet side. We had a nice conversation, he complimented me and then we parted ways. That never happened in LA so it's nice to just have conversations with people at bars and they actually listen to what you're saying. It's a whole new world, really.

Thank god the birthday girl was as tired as I was so I only had to stay until about 2:15am. At one point I literally couldn't even see because all of the lights were flicking on and off right in my face. People were smoking inside even though it's illegal now just to see if they can get away with it. Those are the really cool people. Girls dancing on bars and then making out with ugly guys. I just wasn't in the mood.

I slept until 2:30pm on Sunday. Nice. Hence my "less-productive-than-I-planned" weekend. I went to Century 21 and used a gift certificate from my sister to get a casual black purse. Love getting stuff for free! Then I walked to the movies to see "Pan's Labyrinth" and on the way I passed by this art piece that was about 300 dresser drawers this artist gathered in the from the mess after Hurricane Katrina. It was interesting...at least I saw SOME art this weekend. Had planned to go to a museum on Sunday but slept too late.

Went to Whole Foods to buy some groceries which made me so happy. It may sound stupid but I just haven't been myself so far in 2007. Recovering from the whole "Joe" episode I suppose. Just didn't have the energy or compulsion to take care of myself. Didn't want to work out, clean my room, eat right, etc. But now I have my Whole Foods groceries. Got up early this morning and did Pilates. Made myself breakfast. Feel much better!

And now I'm back at work acting like I have something to do - when I don't.

First snow!!!

It snowed a few times this week! So much fun to see snow!!! I know the novelty will wear off quickly when it all turns to black mush but for now it's still exciting.

So the boy I met Saturday night (the cute one that I like) didn't get in touch with me this week. I read a NY Times article about the NY Giants and how they have a new General Manager so I took it upon myself to use that as an excuse to email him. He emailed right back. I replied...and haven't heard back. I was hoping he'd ask me out for this weekend, but oh well.

Then the guy I hung out with this past Monday night - that I met on The Onion - of course called me on Wednesday to ask me out for this Sunday. He remembered that I wanted to go to some museums and thought I might want to go. So I emailed him back and said that I'm all booked this weekend.

He's literally so nice that's it's unsettling. I swear. I can't deal with people that aren't sarcastic at ALL or at least a little bitter...or something. He's just so smiley and nice. I can't handle it.

I bought two books tonight. Noam Chomsky's "Hegemony or Survival" and Capote's "In Cold Blood." I was embarrassed at work when someone made the statement, "Well, I just assume that everyone that's gone to college has read Chomsky." I had only heard the name but couldn't hold a conversation about him. After doing some research I was SO mortified that I didn't know more about this guy. Stupid college education. So I bought one of his books. And I've just never read "In Cold Blood" so I thought I'd give it a go.

Found a great coffee shop near my apartment - Doma. It has really good food and a great feel to it. I love my little cafes in my neighborhood. I love this city...

I've only been in my apartment for 4 months now (not even) and I'm so ready to live on my own. I have a roommate that could not be more perfect but everytime I hear her keys opening the lock I roll my eyes and sigh. I just want to be by myself when I get home! I want to unwind with wine and something fattening to eat and watch TV - by myself. The only other person I'd want to live with is my roommate from LA, Sarah, but she's still in LA. I'm not going to move anytime soon though. I have to see how my job's going to pan out.

My job is so boring I want to scratch my eyes out. I'm working on a website and it was supposed to launch in January but now it probably won't be until about mid-March. Which means I'll have nothing creative to do - and not much at ALL to do - until then. So two more months of bullshit logistical work.

I'm lucky to have a job and be living in NY, but I've never been one to settle. I'm going to stick it out through the launch and then some to really give it a solid chance. Fingers crossed things change.

Boy adventure this weekend

I had a great weekend.

Went to see "Freedom Writers" on Saturday afternoon which was better than I expected (I wasn't expecting much). Then I was in the mood to meet new boys. So I thought I'd go to Daddy-O's and check it out. I walk in and the only bar stool available was between two different couples on dates. I was like, "uh uh." So I went to Village Tavern next door instead. It was perfect. The NY Giants game was just beginning. I found an empty bar stool right smack in the middle of two groups of men. They were all hitting on me - it was fun. I ended up leaving there with two boys and we went to Joe's pizza for a slice. It was obvious I was getting along with one better than the other - so the other left and the guy that remained - Matt - and I went for one more drink. He's SO cute! We decided to call it a night so he gave me his business card and I left (he negotiates contracts for NY Giants players - very cool). Went straight back to Joe's pizza for another slice (so drunk) and I decide it'd be a good idea to text this cute boy I just met with a message reading, "I'm back at Joe's pizza eating again. Is that bad? This is Stacey..." Lord. So he immediately calls me and says that he can't get a cab and asks if I want to keep hanging out.

So cute. Turns out he was glad I texted him because he thought he fucked it up by not getting my number. So there you go. It's a good thing to be a pig and share that part of yourself with a boy you just met. Who knew? He meets me at the pizza place, eats my crust, and we go to Daddy-O's and now I'M one of the couples there. Haha. We were there until after 4am. I felt bad because I made him buy a drink because my friend said it's really good and we were both like, "Ugh..." It was gross. Whiskey.

We got a little kissy at the end of the night. Then Sunday he texted me saying he had fun (except for the disgusting drink) and I apologized for making him buy it and he said "it was worth it." He's so adorable. AND 27 YEARS OLD. I swear. He said a couple times though, "I swear I'm more mature than a normal 27-year old." We'll see...

On Monday I saw "For Your Consideration". Funny but sad because the characters' desperation is barely exaggerated. Then I met up with my first date from The Onion. He's cute, smart, easy going, such a gentleman, etc. but I'm not attracted to him. Plus, he walked me to my subway station after dinner and he's crippled or something. I entered the restaurant first at the beginning of the date so I didn't see him actually walk. I didn't ask him about it but felt like it was obvious I wasn't asking him about it. Oi. He left me a voicemail tonight asking me to go to a museum this weekend. Of course he calls and the other guy doesn't. I'll go out with him again and hope that he'll be cool with being friends. I have a feeling he has a really great group of friends that I could wiggle my way into.

This weekend was SO what I needed after all this Joe drama/tears. I just emailed Matt because I read in the NY Times today that they have a new general manager and he's black so it's a big deal. I hope he emails back...

The End Of Toronto Joe - Part 2

The next day we're hungover and lay in bed for way too long. But not in the way that I was envisioning where we were snuggling and trying to be with each other as much as possible physically since we wouldn't know when we'd see each other again.

It was more me staring at his back. He reached over to me a couple times but it just wasn't what I pictured. The reality was really starting to not live up to the fantasy. We finally motivate to get food. Conversation is very one-sided (my side).

We decide to head to his hometown for New Year's Eve. The parties in Toronto don't sound fun enough and we'd rather spend the evening with his family and close friends. So we take a train to Welland, ON. I was SO excited about this for two reasons. First, a few months earlier Joe had sent me the most romantic email I'd ever received. It was his vision of what it would be like for him to take a train from Toronto to NY to come and visit me. Second, we had talked/dreamed before about the future possibility of me meeting his family and seeing his hometown and experiencing all that entails. And now it was finally happening!

He was so distant though. It was like I wasn't even there. He just stared out the window of the train the entire 1 1/2 hour ride. I would lean my head on his shoulder and he wouldn't respond in kind. I would ask, "Is this bothering you?" and he'd say, "No" but wouldn't touch my arm or anything to physically say "It's not bothering me."

He had told me before about how much he hated high school. I noticed several slash mark-type scars on his wrist and asked him about it. He said, "Knife marks. I really hated high school." So I hugged him and he didn't hug back. Just sat there.

At first I was surprised by his distance and then frustrated. I didn't understand. I figured he was just so consumed with his poor financial status and the fact that he hasn't made it as a writer/actor/director yet that it was overwhelming him and he couldn't "be" with me. It was pissing me off. I wanted to shake him and say, "I'm HERE! Pay attention to me."

We got off the train and his brother wasn't there yet to pick us up. I tried to ask him if he was alright and he acted like he was totally fine and then looked at me as if something was wrong with me. That frustrated me more.

His brother is an amazing person. So funny and sweet and just as passionate as Joe. We had a great NYE night. It was his brother Kyle, sister Julie, her boyfriend and two friends of theirs. So just 7 of us sitting at their kitchen table in this tiny town called Welland - drinking, laughing and listening to music. No fuss, no muss.

Another reason I was excited to be with Joe for that holiday is that I had never had a true NYE kiss. It was always friends. Never had a boyfriend. So here I am. I'm finally in a relationship and the guy is hardly paying attention to me. So disappointing.

At one point we went around the table and shared what we were thankful for that year and Joe said, "The ONLY thing I'm thankful for this year is my family for helping me get through the Alena situation." Meanwhile, I'm standing right there. This girl that he met that year and said "I love you" to on several occassions. Me - he's not thankful for. I felt so rejected and humiliated.

But still - when it was my turn I said I was thankful for meeting Joe and being able to share my NYE with all of them.

We all get drunk. His parents come home from their party in Niagara Falls. They're so so wonderful. So laid back and caring and fun to be around and non-judgemental. Full of heart. Really great people. They made me feel so welcome. Much more than Joe did.

Everyone's going to bed. Joe whispers in my ear, "I'm going to smoke. Get upstairs and I'll meet you there." I was so desperate for his attention that I was excited at that comment. So I go upstairs, get undressed except for my sexy underwear that I had of course planned to wear that night about 2 weeks prior. He comes in, gets hard....and passes out. I was so pissed. Plus, he passes out in the middle of the bed so I hardly have any room and am a little squished against the wall. I try to push him over and he says, "Relax, we'll do it in the morning."

Gee.....can we? Would I be so lucky? Fuck off! I was so mad at this point.

BUT - in the morning I thought, "This is the last time we're going to have to lie in bed with each other" because I was going to the airport that afternoon. Joe didn't want to have anything to do with me. Sure he kissed me and all but it was only because I was initiating it - and lying on top of him.

He cooked me french toast for breakfast. I hung out with his family. We all had a great time talking. He and his brother gave me a tour of his hometown. I had dreamed of seeing all of the places he had told me about. His high school, places he had worked, etc. But it all seemed so empty because he just wasn't "there."

I said goodbye to his family and we had a long drive to the airport in Toronto. At least an hour drive. I so desperately wanted to ask him what the hell was going on but I didn't. I didn't want to cry in front of him and I knew I would if I brought it up. Instead I continued lavishing him with attention. It was pathetic at this point. I said, "You don't seem as affectionate as you used to be." He just said, "Huh. Really?" Fucker...

He walked me into the airport and stood in line with me. When we had to say goodbye I told him - with hesitation - that I loved him. I said he didn't have to say it back but it was just something that I had been wanting to say to his face for so long. He looked a little taken aback and said, "Luv you too, Stace." But he could've been saying that to a bowl of soup. There was nothing behind it.

I wanted to break down and cry but held it together.

I had to wait at the airport for 5 hours due to delayed flights. It was miserable. I just wanted to get back to NY so I could be in my bed and cry it out.

The day after I got back I emailed him a WAY too complimentary email stating all the reasons I loved him. Since he had asked me the first night I was there and I never got a chance to tell him. I also touched on the fact that he was distant when I was in Toronto.

He didn't reply for a week "due to a computer virus" but when he did he he said that he had never received an email of that magnitude but felt like he needed to tell me that he doesn't think we're meant to be. He was feeling overwhelmed and guilty when I was in Toronto because he could tell, see and feel how I was feeling and he wasn't feeling as strongly and just can't right now since he's still reeling from breaking up with his ex. He doesn't know when or if he'll be ready.

Then he said how great I am and hoped we could be friends.

I immediately replied saying that I felt he should've called me and said that - not emailed me but that it was okay and generally tried to make HIM feel better. That's just my nature.

After absorbing the email for a couple of days and talking with my mom and some friends about it I was so pissed off. Why the FUCK didn't he tell me this stuff BEFORE I came to visit??? He had said, "Luv you too" in a text message a few weeks before the trip so how was I supposed to know what he was feeling? He has no balls. I emailed him an angry email telling him off and I felt so much better.

That was over a week ago and I haven't heard from him thus proving the "he has no balls" theory. A friend of mine said that in her experience men with no money = men with no balls and I have to say that makes sense. Men with money at least have the power that comes along with that and have it to fall back on. It's an ego thing.

I hope Joe and I can be friends. He really is an amazing person. I don't just fall for anyone. But he's just too immature. And broke. And lives in Toronto. And isn't right for me. But I don't regret any of this because I had the time of my life this summer with him and I learned HUGE lessons for myself from this experience.

Now I'm finally moving on....thank God I DID visit him because if I hadn't then the fantasy could've gone on much longer (due to his lack of balls) and it just wasn't healthy.

The End Of Toronto Joe - Part 1

There are only a few times I can recall in my life when I was as excited as I was to visit Joe in Toronto for New Year's Eve 2006. This trip was 6 months in the making. We had both talked about it, dreamed about it and it was finally here.

I spent way too much time packing. Trying to envision different scenarios. One requires this type of necklace, this type of underwear, whatever.

I got to the airport and the flight was delayed. Of course. Why does that always happen when you're dying to get somewhere? Finally, we board the plane and then I was nervous, "What if the plane goes down and I don't get to see him?" This thought literally went though my mind. What am I on...crack?

I finally get there and he has a limo pick me up. So sweet! I'm grinning from ear to ear the whole ride to his apartment. I had envisioned the moment when I'd get to see him again a million times and it finally arrived and it...didn't live up to the fantasy of course. We kissed on the cheek and hugged but had to get my luggage out of the trunk and get to his apartment because it was cold outside.

I was a little nervous and I think he was too. I could tell he had already had a drink or two. We sat in his living room and had small talk conversation for awhile. After about 15 minutes he went to refill his drink and asked if I wanted anything. I said, "Well, you haven't even kissed me yet so a kiss would be nice." We kissed and it tasted like alcohol and cigarettes. But was still nice because I'm so attracted to him.

We continue talking for awhile, formulate a plan for the evening and decide to "take a nap." That lasted about 5 seconds and we had sex. It wasn't romantic at all. Just mechanical-I-haven't-seen-you-in-six-months-get-your-ass-over-here sex. We layed there for a little while and then freshened up for dinner.

A friend of his got us reservations at a great spot. Live jazz music and amaaaaaazing food. We had to wait for a really long time for our table but I was in no hurry. We were both smiling so big. So happy to see each other. When we were sitting at our table he made one of his "Joe" comments, "My mouth hurts from smiling so much!" I love how honest he is sometimes. We grabbed each other's hands across the table. I had envisioned that moment happening exactly like that. We chatted up the couple at the table next to us. We had a really great time talking with them. Joe told them about the bar we were going to visit after dinner called Resevoir that has great jazz music. Told them they should go.

We got to resevoir ourselves and see the couple there. Joe can charm/excite anyone on any idea. He and I are getting more and more drunk. We meet up with some friends of his that he works with at the hotel where he valets cars.

Joe gets into his drunk/self-deprecating/intensely complimentary mode. Tells me I'm beautiful every 5 minutes. And every time he says it I feel like he's never said it to another woman. Then he asks, "What could you possibly see in me?" and other versions of that question a few more times. He asked me in the cab as well. I didn't want to talk about it in the cab.

His friends came back to his apartment. We partied some more. Finally they left and Joe and I had sex. He likes it a little rough which excites me.

All in all - a good first day/night.

Not bad. Not bad at all.....

Life is good. I moved to NYC and within 3 months managed to build a new life. I live in the West Village. Rent-controlled, month-to-month apartment. Great roommate. Landed an amazing job as an Associate Editor at a new satirical news website that's going to launch early '07. I get to work in comedy. I can walk to work. I have benefits. And not just medical/dentail I'm talkin' BENEFITS. Like discounted movie tickets, gym memberships, flexible spending account, etc. It doesn't get any better than this.

I'm going to Toronto for New Year's to see Joe. I have a feeling it'll be really fucking great (pun intended) and then really fucking sad (no pun there...just really like using the "f" word). He just told me that he's missed the deadline to submit a script to Bravo Fact. They give money to short film makers. So he's going to have to raise the money himself. Which means he won't have money to come see me in NY anytime soon. Life's just goddamn getting in the way so I'm going to let go of the possibility that we'll be together anytime soon and just keep him in my life with the slight hope that'll change down the road.

Enough about me...did anyone see this article?

http://www.breitbart.com/news/2006/12/18/D8M3DS680.html

Jesus people...you think they wouldn't have found out eventually?

Thanksgiving

I had a good Thanksgiving. My parents flew up from Atlanta to visit me. My younger sister lives in Pompano Beach, FL with her fiance and was spending the holiday with his family down there. My parents knew that I didn't have the money to fly home for both T'day and Christmas so they flew up here. So nice of them.

I was bummed though because the main thing I wanted to do was show them around the Village but it was freezing and rainy the two days we could've done that. So we sat around my apartment a lot more than I was anticipating and I had nothing to eat or drink for them (note to self: must be a better hostess).

Luckily, the restaurant we chose for our Turkey feast was WONDERFUL!!! From the beginner cocktails and bread all the way through to dessert and tea was really, really good. I was feeling the pressure because usually we have T'day with all our extended family and tons of great food. I was SO happy this worked out. The parents were beyond satisfied. Yay!

Friday was fun. We went shopping and my dad was his wonderful patient self...sitting on the "man couch" in each store as my mom and I fought off the other bitches trying to get all the good stuff at the "day after Thanksgiving" sales. I emerged with a great dress from H&M and quite a few other things. Woo hoo!

Then we went window shopping at all of the major department stores on 5th Avenue. Bergdorf Goodman's had the BEST windows! They were truly spectacular. My mom and I were just in awe. Then we wandered the city trying to find a good restaurant and stumbed upon a place that's apparently a great classic restaurant ($$$). My dad was great though. Our vacation motto of "Nothing's too good for a Bunch" was in full force. After dinner we saw Martin Short's Broadway show "Fame Becomes Me" and it was actually hilarious. I like Martin Short alright but I'm not a HUGE fan. But I really enjoyed his show. The 4th row seats didn't hurt. Go Dad! He somehow scored those through his Holiday Inn concierge. Haha....

They left today :( Then tonight I went out with my former LA roommate and some other folks. I was hoping for a big night out but they all had to leave before midnight. I was reeeeeeally in the mood to go all out so I texted the dumb Notre Dame guy to see if he was around because he lives about 2 blocks from where we were hanging out. He said he was in Indianapolis for T'day but was sorry he missed me. He better be. Fucker. (For more info on him read the blog entitled "Didn't even take a week")

Today was the day Joe was supposed to come to NY to visit me. It's been tough but I resisted texting him or leaving him a drunk voicemail. I'll talk to him next week because I'm hopefully finding out about the website job. Also, he's finding out on Friday whether his film got into Sundance or not. So I know we'll talk then.

All 3 of you that read this blog...please keep your fingers crossed that I get this job. I interviewed last Tuesday for it and according to the editor I'm supposed to find out "as soon as possible after Thanksgiving" whether or not I got it. Over 250 people applied and they're only hiring 2 people for this position. I know I'm up there in their consideration but have no idea if I actually got it or not.

GOD - I hope I got this job.

I'm so excited it's the holidays!!! The decorations are starting to go up all over the city and they put a huge smile on my face. Christmas is my favorite holiday! And I LOVE that I'm finally in NY and can have a real Christmas for once. Not an LA-it's-75-degrees-and-the-only-trees-are-palm-trees Christmas.

'Tis the season to be jolly.......

So sad...

Toronto Joe and I finally decided to stop pretending that we have a shot at "us" in the immediate future and instead are just going to "keep our doors open to one another."

I've been crying for 2 days straight. Meanwhile, I'm assisting this writer part-time and I'm supposed to care about picking up his socks at some store and what salad dressing he likes.

WHY is it that I FINALLLLLY meet an amazing guy that loves me and I love him and all we're asking for is to be together and it can't happen? FUCK ME!!!

He was going to come to NY to visit me right after Thanksgiving and then we were going to hit Miami because his short film is in the festival there, but he can't do either trip now because of money. He doesn't have any. And neither do I. And even if I get a job that pays a lot I still can't see him in December because he'll be working so much at his freakin' valet job to make money that he can't take time off. Only to see his family the week of Christmas and I'll be seeing mine in Atlanta that week.

I guess it's not the end of the world to know that there's an amazing man out there that cares about me and maybe one day when things get better for him we can try it again. But I'm still so goddamn sad right now. My heart literally hurts right now. I think I'm about to have an anxiety attack. I need meds...

I have an interview tomorrow for a job. If I don't get it I'm going to go down a dangerous bad mental path. It's the ONLY specific job that I've heard about since I moved here that I want. I'm perfectly qualified for the job and have two major "in's" as well so the odds are in my favor. Please let THIS go right this week. I need this....

I Hate Men

So my other guy...Toronto Joe...is pissing me off.

I hadn't heard from him in a long time so I text him "Are you on email yet?" You see, the boy doesn't have internet access which makes it a liiiiiiittle difficult to communicate long distance. He doesn't text me back but instead calls me at 3-fuckin-am and leaves a message. Very sweet message actually [snap out of it]...but that's not the point! Also, in his message he tells me to call him at 1pm the next day. WHY didn't he just wait until THEN to call ME???!!!

I'm having a REALLY hard time sleeping lately due to the stress of being unemployed, moving to a new city, etc. I was just about to nod off when he called. So listening to his message got my brain going again and I swear I must have been up until 5am that night/morning.

I was pissed. I text him the next day letting him have it. He finally texted me back later that afternoon saying he didn't mean to piss me off. I sent him a couple of texts explaining that I was frustrated with him and our situation. He had asked me to "hang in there" but I don't know what I'm hanging in there for. It seems like he has too much going on, just got out of a relationship and a long distance thing is the last thing he needs. I said, "Please tell me if I'm wrong. I'd love to be."

He text back "You're not wrong but it's way more complicated between you and I." Then he said he was slammed at work (valet) and could he call me that night or tomorrow.

That was on Friday and I haven't heard from him. It's Monday. I broke down last night and text him saying that he could call me at 3am if that's the only time he can call because unfortunately I'm consistently up until that late now. I'm withering away to nothing with this lack of sleep but there seems to be nothing that I can do about it.

I'm so over men and their shit.

Didn't even take a week...

So the subject of my blog entry entitled, "Argh..." has already fucked it up. Didn't even take a week.

We had talked a lot about Halloween and how we both really like dressing up for the holiday. I helped him think of ideas for costumes, etc. So the day comes and I haven't heard from him so I text him at around 2:30pm asking if he's heard of any parties.

Nothing.

About 8:30pm rolls around and I text him again saying that I had heard from my friend Amy and she wasn't going out. Was he going out and had he thought of a costume.

Nothing.

About 9:30pm I finally get a text saying he had been napping and "might head to a bar."

Okayyyyyy.

So I text back saying that if he does to let me know because I need time to prepare my costume. Asked him if he had a costume and he replied, "Yes. In costume."

So I'm assuming since the boy has a costume he's going to go out and use it. I text him back a flirty line like "You're not gonna tell me what it is?"

I never heard back from him the rest of the night.

I had my costume all laid out on my bed. I was ready to go at a moment's notice. Just needed the text saying what bar to go to. I sat on the couch watching "7 Minutes in Heaven" (AWESOME 80's movie) and after two hours I realized that he was never going to text me to tell me where he was going. By that time I was so tired that I didn't have the energy to go out. My costume is a hugely energized character and it takes a lot to pull it off right.

The only way in "guyland" that he can get away with this is by saying that he didn't go out and I said "let me know IF you go out" but even that doesn't fly.

Just treat me with respect. And if you don't want me to go out with you then just say it's a "guy's night out" or LIE and say that you're not going out. SOMETHING for fuck's sake!

Cool couple of nights...

Tuesday night I hung out with a Broadway actress that was in the last pilot I worked on with Paul. She's so sweet. She invited a friend of hers - also an actress - to join us. It was nice to sit on a couch in a cool bar, drink wine and chat with two cool chicks. She'll be a nice person to call every once in awhile. She's married but she still goes out.

Then last night I hung out with a jazz drummer. He's a very sweet guy. We went to dinner and then to Zinc - a bar that often has jazz performers. I had never seen jazz live. I've always been a little intimidated by it because I didn't think I'd "get it." Apparently, it was a historical night because there were 6 guys playing - 3 different sets of brothers - who are all big up and comers in the jazz world. Then jazz legend - Roy Haynes - walked in and sat down right next to me. I didn't know who he was but my friend said, "He's the Cary Grant of Jazz. He's Jazz Royalty." I was so excited to be sitting next to him. Roy B---- what was his name again?

It was such a cool evening. What I always pictured a NY night of watching jazzzzzzz to be. I kept thinking of the "Sex & the City" episode where Carrie dates the hot jazz guy. Unfortunately my friend was sweet, but Craig Bierko he is not.

I had an interview yesterday that was so disappointing. It was with a huge advertising agency and I thought they were calling me in because they saw my resume (which has NO advertising experience on it) and thought I'd be good for a position there. But instead I walk in and the woman stares at me and asks "Sooo, why advertising?" My mind went blank as I thought, "Well, you called me in here so I'd like to ask you the same question."

I fumbled and gave the best answer I could and in the end she was helpful I suppose but it was essentially a waste of my time and hers. Embarrassing. She only called me in because she did a commercial 11 years ago with my former boss.

At least I'm finally going to get unemployment checks. $450/week! I'm FLABERGASTED that they pay you that much to not work. I think I'll go to a museum today...............

Argh...

I sent an email to the guy I cried in front of to explain why it happened. I just didn't want him thinking I'm a nutcase. I sent a short email telling him he didn't even need to reply but I needed to explain and that I was sorry for making him feel like shit (which I did).

So he calls me at 9:30pm when he's getting off of work and left a nice message apologizing as well...saying he shouldn't have pushed the issue...etc.

I didn't call him back and he emailed me this morning with:

"Bunches...Good morning. Just thinking of you and wanted to drop a line. Wishing I had some spare time."

ARGH! Now he's being all sweet which is going to make me like him again and then I'm back where I started. Liking a guy that doesn't have time or want to put forth the effort into a relationship. MUST remember that he doesn't want to date and I'm just going to be disappointed in the end.

Why I'm Meredith Grey

I had an epiphany today that I'm Meredith Grey from "Grey's Anatomy". Notsomuch with the 2 hunky doctors competing for my attention or the skinny figure or the pouty lips, but moreso with the sleeping with men that I shouldn't and then crying while the man is still in bed with me.

I made the mistake of trying to control a situation and it blew up in my face. If you've read any of my other blog entries you know about Toronto Joe. I'm missing him like crazy and am trying to put him on the back burner as he's too busy to even send me a text message these days. It's been really hard. When I was in Toronto he pursued me so vigorously and we saw each other all day, every day - very intense - and I got used to that intensity. Then I left Toronto and we've been reduced to the occassional email or quick phone call and there's no end in sight. Hence, back burner.

Meanwhile, I've moved to NYC and have been here for over 5 weeks. I'm umemployed which sucks (a) because I'm flying through my savings account MUCH faster than I thought I would and (b) it gives me too much time to think.

So there's a guy that lives here that I met at a wedding awhile back and we have great chemistry. So I was excited at the prospect of us hanging out in NY and seeing if there's anything between us. It became clear very quickly that this guy was not looking to date and just wants to have sex. I told him I didn't want that so we'll just have to be friends. Most of my relationships with men have been "friends with benefits" and I'm OVER it. I thought that I could be strong and just be friends with this guy but I'm attracted to him and vice versa and everytime we hung out he was all over me.

Of course I'm loving the attention because it's fun and his immaturity actually makes me laugh sometimes (he literally had to ask me at one point "What's a date then?") but I was telling myself to "stay strong" and not hook up with him. That lasted about 2 weeks. This past weekend I gave in and I'm being really hard on myself about it.

The more I thought about it though...it's just like a diet. As soon as I tell myself I can't have ice cream I go to the grocery store, buy the most fattening Ben & Jerry's I can find and proceed to eat the entire pint in 4 minutes flat.

I tried to put myself on a "man diet" and it completely backfired.

I got drunk Friday night when I was at dinner and drinks with this guy and two other friends. We were right around the corner from my place and he wanted to see my apartment so he came up and I decided to "get it over with" (so romantic). The sex itself was horrible because he hasn't had sex in so long that it lasted literally about 2 seconds. I didn't even realize anything had happened. We're comfortable with each other though so we were laughing about it and everything was fine. Then we decide to go to sleep, he tried to snuggle with me - something clicked in my brain - and I started to cry.

I couldn't stand to have him touching me. I went back to my insecure college days where all guys wanted to do was fuck me. Never wanted to take me out on a date. I got a huge complex as a result of those experiences that took awhile to get over. And here I was at almost 32 years old - right back in college.

I need to stop getting so drunk. When I get really drunk I tend to get pissy with someone or I cry about something. Not everytime, but about 1/2 the time. Not good.

So I pushed him off me...I felt like such shit about myself and told him so. He asked if I wanted him to leave and I said that he should stay. The next morning I didn't feel so bad and I let him hold me. I was so embarrassed and he was very sweet and then he had to go to his place because some maintenance guy was fixing his dryer. He asked me to come to his place to hang out but I didn't think that was a good idea.

So yeah....that was my Friday night/Saturday morning. I felt so pathetic and was beating myself up but whatever. I'm human. I'm Meredith Grey.

The Latest

I had pizza for dinner tonight. I needed it because I was hungover. From my going away party. Where am I going?

I'm moving to NYC in 5 days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've been wanting to live there ever since I can remember. My parents still have a framed picture of me hanging off the Wall Street sign at their house. Of course that was back in the day when I was a Finance major thinking I was going to move to NY and become some powerbroker chick.

So what if it's TEN years later and I'm moving without having a job OR a place to live? I'm totally secure with that. What? What are you looking at? Stop looking at me like that. I am NOT a loser. Jerry Maguire = loser. Me? I'm still working on my mission statement, alright? Or is it a memo?

Yeah, it might not be the smartest move, but I can't keep waiting for one of our pilots to get picked up. If you want something you can't wait around forever for it to happen to you. You have to make it happen. So that's what I'm doing. [fuck me]

The timing is right because we don't have much going on workwise and I would have to sign a lease on a new apartment soon if I wanted to stay in LA. And I don't. I'm subletting right now from the lead actor of the Toronto show but time's running out on that deal...plus, I'm just ready to go.

I have a lead on an apartment in the West Village. A friend of a friend is looking for a roommate and it could not be a more perfect situation. I've spoken with my potential roommate on the phone and it seems like we'd get along great as roommates. So fingers crossed that works out.

I also have a couple of general interviews set up with some big wigs so that makes me feel a little better about the no job thing. SOMEthing will come up eventually. It's just timing.

It's such a surreal feeling to watch something on TV about NY and know that I'll soon be LIVING there. Ah! This is huge...overwhelming really. The only negative is that I won't have my LA people with me. Can't imagine living in a city without certain friends of mine. Don't want to think about it...nooooot thinking about it. [tear]

So that's the big news.

In addition, I of course have a Joe update. I've been away from Toronto and him for over 2 months now and he's still on my mind all of the time. I'm head over heels for this guy. I miss him so God damn much! We've been emailing and have chatted on the phone twice. The first time was for 3 hours and cost $70. Freakin' Canada. The first 2 1/2 hours was great converation. Making each other laugh...then sighing...sitting in silence...confessing how much we missed each other...how much we think about each other...laughing again.

Then Joe led me down the dirty, dirty path to phone sex. He's such a bad, bad boy. Thank God! I was technically still able to wear a white dress when it came to phone sex so I had no idea what I was supposed to say. I let him do most of the talking. I'd start to say something and then felt like an idiot and would just moan and...you know what? Don't need to share all the details. We had phone sex. There. And it probably cost me about $12 in cell phone charges. Huh - I suppose that means I paid for sex. With a phone. Sweet - now I can check that off my list of "Things to Accomplish Before I'm 40".

The second phone conversation was recent. In the past 2 months he hadn't brought up whether or not he'd moved out of his girlfriend's apartment. He had broken up with her twice while I was there but she wasn't accepting it. He had told me that it was over and he was hoping to move into his brother's place in a week.

I assumed that he did just that. Although, part of me wondered because he never brought it up. So I finally did. And he's still living with her. I was upset and fired a machine gun of questions at him. It's a strange situation. She's messed up in the head. Threatened to kill herself the last time he broke up with her. He's all freaked out that she's going to follow through on her threat if he leaves. He sleeps on the couch most nights and they hardly ever see each other.

He's not the guy that's trying to have his cake and eat it too. Quite the opposite actually. He's sleeping on the couch in one situation and then I'm 3,000 miles away. So he without cake at the moment.

He said that he's "weak" and "too nice" and doesn't know how to leave. I suggested he seek the advice of a professional. I told him that we couldn't go on emailing each other the way we do and talking on the phone the way we do if he's still with her. It's not right. It's not fair. He agreed. I think neither one of us brought this up earlier because we didn't want to face reality. But we need to. I said I didn't know if I wanted to continue with "us" and he said, "You came out of the blue to me. I think about you every day. Please hang in there with me. Hang in there a little while until I can figure this out." I paused and said, "Okay, but I'm not waiting forever."

Last night I had my going away party. It was bittersweet. So many of my favorite people showed up and it was great having everyone in the same place - and for me. But to say goodbye is hard. I'm surprised with all the wine I was drinking that I didn't cry.

During the going away party Joe called my cell 5 times. While he was calling I was surely sharing this story with someone inquiring about our status.

On the way to Canter's (had to get the late night food - and subsequent stomach problems - one last time) I listen to his voicemail and he said that his grandmother died. He and his family buried her on Friday. Then they went to the premiere of "Hollywoodland" in which he has his first acting job in a major movie that night. I can't imagine how strange that day must have been for him.

Then he said he broke up with the girlfriend and "it's done." I've never smiled so big. I left him a message today and saying that I'd like to speak with him is the understatement of my life. I think I've listened to his voicemail 999 times. I think I'll go listen to it again. Might as well make it an even thou.

I need to know what "it's done" exactly means. If he's moving out then I'm on cloud nine.

I think we're actually going to get our shot! Hopefully he'll call me soon so I can get the whole story.