Decision Time

I've been going back and forth and back again about whether to move to Denver or NYC and I'm so tired of thinking about it. I'm definitely tired of myself. But I've finally made a decision.

Denver it is! Because I've lived in NYC before I know what it has to offer and it will always be there. Denver, on the other hand, is more of an unknown "up-and-coming city" with possibilities that I'd like to explore in depth so that I'll never wonder if I should have gone for it.

I'll go out there and hit the ground running. Meet with every friend-of-friend connection I can in the search for some sort of job opportunity that I'm excited about and just see how it goes! If it works out, great. If not, then NYC will always be there.

That's the plan! I'll probably leave mid-May in my '93 Lexus that's leaking oil and pray I make it in one piece.

It

Hi Everyone,

Well, I've been mooching off my generous parents for 4 months now and during this time I have never felt so lost. Where am I supposed to go? What am I supposed to do when I get there? When is "it" going to happen?

What is "it" anyway?

"It" is this magical state of being when everything in my life is "perfect". With regard to my career, I don't know how to define "perfect". And if I can't define it, I can't visualize it. And if I can't visualize it, I can't make it happen.

So what do I do?

I do what I always do. I look at what other people are doing. Real people. TV people. Movie people. Book people. Internet people. All people. I look at all of them and hope that I can grasp onto something they're doing that will at least give me a clue as to what I'm supposed to do.

And the inspiration for my next step does happen. Momentarily, that is.

"I'll be an event planner"
"I'll publish my own photo book"
"I'll start a food truck"
"I'll go back to working in TV"
"I'll start my own women empowerment lecture series"

There are varying degrees to which these ideas seem like good ones. I get more excited about some and less excited about others. I go back and forth between telling myself that I just need to grow up and get a job and stop whining about how I'm not fulfilled by something called "work"... and dismissing that negativity as a cop out and telling myself that if I'm just patient the universe will point me in the right direction toward my purpose.

The latter is what I've always done in the past and that philosophy has led me to some incredibly fortunate experiences. I've always prided myself on being a risk taker and embracing fear and not letting it stop me. But at this point I've run, not walked, down so many paths that I'm in the middle of the forest, I'm out of breath and I've realized that I'm totally lost. And I don't have my iPhone compass on me. Although, I probably wouldn't know how to work it anyway.

I know that I need to give myself a break, evaluate my options, make a decision and just... start walking. I guess I'm putting more pressure on this particular decision because I know I'm tired and I'm running out of juice and it's tough to stay motivated all by myself.

Which brings me to the other part of my "it" that I'm seeking which is a partner in life. At least with this element I know exactly what I want so I CAN visualize it! He's my perfect compliment. I'm ready to have a man in my life who always has my back and, in turn, I will always have his. We will have a relationship full of love, adoration, respect, honesty and laughter. We will create a history as we go through the adventure of life together. It will be a "perfect" relationship because we won't expect each other to be perfect and in that leniency we are perfect together.

The more time that goes by without a partner to share everything with... the less meaning everything I do seems to have.

I'm not saying that I can't find my own meaningful purpose without a man in my life. I can. And I'm not saying that I won't need a purpose of my own once I find a man. I will. I'm saying that I need BOTH. One without the other just seems like less of a life and I'm not willing to settle for that.

I want my whole "it" and despite how lost I feel at the moment I do believe it's going to happen soon. I believe in the power of positive thinking and in saying what you want out loud (as well as typing it) so this is one affirmation of many that I'm going to practice until I get everything I've ever dreamed of.

This may sound like the mad ravings of a woman on the brink of a breakdown but it's hardly that dramatic. This is instead a pump up message to myself to get going already!

Even though I don't know what he looks like or where we will live or what I will do to be fulfilled as my own intelligent, giving self... I know how I want to feel when "it" all comes together and I am going to do everything I can from this day forward to fill myself with that feeling on my own until it does happen. I have put forth a lot of effort in this quest thus far but I definitely needed to tweak some of my negative habits and ways of thinking.

I was recently inspired by a book written by a friend of mine named Amy Spencer entitled, "Meeting Your Half-Orange: An Utterly Upbeat Guide to Using Dating Optimism to Find Your Perfect Match". I am only half-way through the book so far but have already found it so helpful. I've expanded the optimistic thinking to other areas of life besides finding my perfect match and I am more hopeful for my future. If you are feeling anything close to what I am feeling I suggest you buy a copy of this book and immediately read it cover-to-cover.

I feel like putting these thoughts to you all - my beloved friends - will help me get that much closer to my "it".

Thanks for reading this.

Ready. Set. Go!