Why I'm Meredith Grey

I had an epiphany today that I'm Meredith Grey from "Grey's Anatomy". Notsomuch with the 2 hunky doctors competing for my attention or the skinny figure or the pouty lips, but moreso with the sleeping with men that I shouldn't and then crying while the man is still in bed with me.

I made the mistake of trying to control a situation and it blew up in my face. If you've read any of my other blog entries you know about Toronto Joe. I'm missing him like crazy and am trying to put him on the back burner as he's too busy to even send me a text message these days. It's been really hard. When I was in Toronto he pursued me so vigorously and we saw each other all day, every day - very intense - and I got used to that intensity. Then I left Toronto and we've been reduced to the occassional email or quick phone call and there's no end in sight. Hence, back burner.

Meanwhile, I've moved to NYC and have been here for over 5 weeks. I'm umemployed which sucks (a) because I'm flying through my savings account MUCH faster than I thought I would and (b) it gives me too much time to think.

So there's a guy that lives here that I met at a wedding awhile back and we have great chemistry. So I was excited at the prospect of us hanging out in NY and seeing if there's anything between us. It became clear very quickly that this guy was not looking to date and just wants to have sex. I told him I didn't want that so we'll just have to be friends. Most of my relationships with men have been "friends with benefits" and I'm OVER it. I thought that I could be strong and just be friends with this guy but I'm attracted to him and vice versa and everytime we hung out he was all over me.

Of course I'm loving the attention because it's fun and his immaturity actually makes me laugh sometimes (he literally had to ask me at one point "What's a date then?") but I was telling myself to "stay strong" and not hook up with him. That lasted about 2 weeks. This past weekend I gave in and I'm being really hard on myself about it.

The more I thought about it though...it's just like a diet. As soon as I tell myself I can't have ice cream I go to the grocery store, buy the most fattening Ben & Jerry's I can find and proceed to eat the entire pint in 4 minutes flat.

I tried to put myself on a "man diet" and it completely backfired.

I got drunk Friday night when I was at dinner and drinks with this guy and two other friends. We were right around the corner from my place and he wanted to see my apartment so he came up and I decided to "get it over with" (so romantic). The sex itself was horrible because he hasn't had sex in so long that it lasted literally about 2 seconds. I didn't even realize anything had happened. We're comfortable with each other though so we were laughing about it and everything was fine. Then we decide to go to sleep, he tried to snuggle with me - something clicked in my brain - and I started to cry.

I couldn't stand to have him touching me. I went back to my insecure college days where all guys wanted to do was fuck me. Never wanted to take me out on a date. I got a huge complex as a result of those experiences that took awhile to get over. And here I was at almost 32 years old - right back in college.

I need to stop getting so drunk. When I get really drunk I tend to get pissy with someone or I cry about something. Not everytime, but about 1/2 the time. Not good.

So I pushed him off me...I felt like such shit about myself and told him so. He asked if I wanted him to leave and I said that he should stay. The next morning I didn't feel so bad and I let him hold me. I was so embarrassed and he was very sweet and then he had to go to his place because some maintenance guy was fixing his dryer. He asked me to come to his place to hang out but I didn't think that was a good idea.

So yeah....that was my Friday night/Saturday morning. I felt so pathetic and was beating myself up but whatever. I'm human. I'm Meredith Grey.