New Blog!

I have decided to abandon Blogger and start a new blog with Wordpress. Below is the link to my new blog:

http://wholepackage.wordpress.com

This will be a new and improved blog with not only updates on what I'm doing but information you will hopefully find helpful and/or interesting regarding Art/Photography, Health/Wellness, Travel, etc.

Check it out!

Decision Time

I've been going back and forth and back again about whether to move to Denver or NYC and I'm so tired of thinking about it. I'm definitely tired of myself. But I've finally made a decision.

Denver it is! Because I've lived in NYC before I know what it has to offer and it will always be there. Denver, on the other hand, is more of an unknown "up-and-coming city" with possibilities that I'd like to explore in depth so that I'll never wonder if I should have gone for it.

I'll go out there and hit the ground running. Meet with every friend-of-friend connection I can in the search for some sort of job opportunity that I'm excited about and just see how it goes! If it works out, great. If not, then NYC will always be there.

That's the plan! I'll probably leave mid-May in my '93 Lexus that's leaking oil and pray I make it in one piece.

It

Hi Everyone,

Well, I've been mooching off my generous parents for 4 months now and during this time I have never felt so lost. Where am I supposed to go? What am I supposed to do when I get there? When is "it" going to happen?

What is "it" anyway?

"It" is this magical state of being when everything in my life is "perfect". With regard to my career, I don't know how to define "perfect". And if I can't define it, I can't visualize it. And if I can't visualize it, I can't make it happen.

So what do I do?

I do what I always do. I look at what other people are doing. Real people. TV people. Movie people. Book people. Internet people. All people. I look at all of them and hope that I can grasp onto something they're doing that will at least give me a clue as to what I'm supposed to do.

And the inspiration for my next step does happen. Momentarily, that is.

"I'll be an event planner"
"I'll publish my own photo book"
"I'll start a food truck"
"I'll go back to working in TV"
"I'll start my own women empowerment lecture series"

There are varying degrees to which these ideas seem like good ones. I get more excited about some and less excited about others. I go back and forth between telling myself that I just need to grow up and get a job and stop whining about how I'm not fulfilled by something called "work"... and dismissing that negativity as a cop out and telling myself that if I'm just patient the universe will point me in the right direction toward my purpose.

The latter is what I've always done in the past and that philosophy has led me to some incredibly fortunate experiences. I've always prided myself on being a risk taker and embracing fear and not letting it stop me. But at this point I've run, not walked, down so many paths that I'm in the middle of the forest, I'm out of breath and I've realized that I'm totally lost. And I don't have my iPhone compass on me. Although, I probably wouldn't know how to work it anyway.

I know that I need to give myself a break, evaluate my options, make a decision and just... start walking. I guess I'm putting more pressure on this particular decision because I know I'm tired and I'm running out of juice and it's tough to stay motivated all by myself.

Which brings me to the other part of my "it" that I'm seeking which is a partner in life. At least with this element I know exactly what I want so I CAN visualize it! He's my perfect compliment. I'm ready to have a man in my life who always has my back and, in turn, I will always have his. We will have a relationship full of love, adoration, respect, honesty and laughter. We will create a history as we go through the adventure of life together. It will be a "perfect" relationship because we won't expect each other to be perfect and in that leniency we are perfect together.

The more time that goes by without a partner to share everything with... the less meaning everything I do seems to have.

I'm not saying that I can't find my own meaningful purpose without a man in my life. I can. And I'm not saying that I won't need a purpose of my own once I find a man. I will. I'm saying that I need BOTH. One without the other just seems like less of a life and I'm not willing to settle for that.

I want my whole "it" and despite how lost I feel at the moment I do believe it's going to happen soon. I believe in the power of positive thinking and in saying what you want out loud (as well as typing it) so this is one affirmation of many that I'm going to practice until I get everything I've ever dreamed of.

This may sound like the mad ravings of a woman on the brink of a breakdown but it's hardly that dramatic. This is instead a pump up message to myself to get going already!

Even though I don't know what he looks like or where we will live or what I will do to be fulfilled as my own intelligent, giving self... I know how I want to feel when "it" all comes together and I am going to do everything I can from this day forward to fill myself with that feeling on my own until it does happen. I have put forth a lot of effort in this quest thus far but I definitely needed to tweak some of my negative habits and ways of thinking.

I was recently inspired by a book written by a friend of mine named Amy Spencer entitled, "Meeting Your Half-Orange: An Utterly Upbeat Guide to Using Dating Optimism to Find Your Perfect Match". I am only half-way through the book so far but have already found it so helpful. I've expanded the optimistic thinking to other areas of life besides finding my perfect match and I am more hopeful for my future. If you are feeling anything close to what I am feeling I suggest you buy a copy of this book and immediately read it cover-to-cover.

I feel like putting these thoughts to you all - my beloved friends - will help me get that much closer to my "it".

Thanks for reading this.

Ready. Set. Go!

Weekend in Paris

I got to spend one last weekend in Paris before I leave for the states in a couple of months. A guy I know was having an art show at a gallery so I had dinner with he and his art dealer and a friend of theirs then a few beers afterwards as well.

There were teenagers sitting next to us at the bar (we confirmed their ripe old age of 16 by asking them) and they were so much cooler than us. Three of the four girls had braces but it didn't matter. Everything about them was so cool. Clothes, hair, attitude, everything. They were smoking and drinking and were there until probably 1am. I can't even fathom having that much freedom at that age. Oh, and they knew the waiter at the bar too so they were getting served MUCH faster than we were. Unbelievable.

Here are a few photos from my weekend.

Overheard on the Street in London

Two girls gossiping:

"Yes, he's American but he's really cool."

Big Fat Liar

I moved to my 3rd and final London flat last Monday (and yes, I said "flat". I haven't turned into Madonnaaaaaa...it's just easier to say "flat" when I'm in London and it's shorter to type than a.p.a.r.t.m.e.n.t.). The new and old flats are 4/10ths of a mile apart. And since I didn't have any furniture to move I just did it all myself to save money. I hauled two large suitcases and a large shoulder bag full of stuff down the hill to the new place, walked up the stairs, dumped everything on the floor, then returned with the empties up the hill back to the old flat for another load.

I did this about 6 times. So I was a little tired. As I was just about finished with the last load at my old place (okay saying "flat" too many times bothers me now) I walked into the hallway outside the front door for a second and the door slammed shut.

S-s-s-s-shit.

It's one of those annoying front doors that automatically locks when it shuts so if you don't have your keys you're locked out. I lived there for 6 months and never got locked out until the last 10 minutes I was in the damn place.

My phone, wallet, keys to the old and new place, everything are inside. I had nothing.

I ran the 4/10ths of a mile to the new place hoping my landlord (who's also my next door neighbor now) would be home and could let me in so I could get a spare set of keys to the old place which were sitting on a table.

This was the only time all day that she wasn't home.

I waited for a bit to see if she'd come home but no dice. I remembered that I had a spare set of keys at my cousin's place which is exactly 2 miles away. I was supposed to be going to his house right at that time to go over some stuff with his wife and I knew she was expecting me but I couldn't call her to tell her why I was running late.

So I ran and ran down the busy high street. Knocking into people as I continually misjudged the distance between my flailing arms and their huge ass shopping bags. I shouted "SORRY!" but kept running because I thought if I stopped I'd never be able to start again. I haven't worked out in months, you see.

As I hit the mile 1 marker I began formulating a lie to tell them. I had messed up on some work stuff the prior week so I already looked like an idiot and I didn't want to add to that negative impression by saying, "Uhhh, I got locked out." So I decided to tell them that I tripped over a ladder in my entry way... fell out my front door and the door shut and there was nothing I could do. I quickly realized that this lie didn't necessarily help the "I'm swear I'm not an idiot" theory and that it sounded like a lie.

As I had THAT thought.... I tripped... and fell. Right in front of the Natural History Museum. Face down. On the concrete. Which makes complete sense because I trip ALL THE TIME in London. The sidewalk stones are uneven. And I was exhausted. This was a good fall too. I scraped my hands and had two pretty solid wounds with blood dripping out of them on my left leg.

After the shock of the fall wore off I stood up and thought, "Hey, this is PERFECT! Now my lie will work!!"

I started hobbling and I had a huge smile on my face. The people who saw me fall were looking at me like I was an idiot. Which was the exact impression I was hoping to avoid by coming up with the lie in the first place but I only really cared what my cousin and his wife thought.

So I finally get to the house - out of breath and sweaty - and I told his wife my pathetic tale which resulted in sympathy, my spare set of keys and 20 pounds for a taxi back to my old place.

Sweeeeeet.

This is vintage me.

(OMG - that was so much fun to write. I forgot how much I love this blog.)

OMG

It's been WAY TOOOOOOO LOOOOONG since I've written. I missed it. I went through a funk then was travelling over the holidays and now I'm back!

Stories to come very soon. I already had a couple glasses of wine tonight so I should write another day when I can actually type without hitting the backspace key every other letter.

SANTA!

I'm going to see the REAL SANTA this weekend in Lapland!!! I'm SO excited! I imagine his cabin looks something like this.

Unfortunately, both of my digital cameras are broken and I didn't have time to get them fixed before the trip but I'll bring my film camera and hope that my cousin brings his digital so I can get photos online as soon as I get back.

Now, if you'll excuse me... I need to go buy earmuffs so my ears don't freeze off inside the Arctic circle!

Camera Cafe

I love my Time Out magazine. I was quickly hitting my breaking point with the isolation of working from home when I received my magazine in the mail which had an article about great places to go if you work from home and are feeling isolated.

Perfect.

They mentioned a place called Camera Cafe which is a tiny camera store with old Hasselblads, Leicas, etc. and a even tinier cafe in the back with food and free wi-fi all day.

PERFECT!

Today is my 2nd day in a row at this place and I'm in heaven. Not that I'm talking to everyone who comes in here but just to have a place to go during the day is HUGE for me. And it's right by Leicester Square which seems to be near the area where I always meet up with people so it's very convenient.

It's very warm. Red walls, low lighting, Bebel Gilberto playing in the background, old photos on the walls.

This is such a great discovery!!!

Will you go to the prom with me?

I recently emailed a funny video link to my single girlfriends and as I was typing their email addresses I was bewildered when I realized just how few single women I know.

This realization rocketed my memory back to a specific feeling I had in 1993 when I was a senior in high school and all the single people were pairing up for prom dates. I had a crush on my best guy friend but he had an on-again-off-again girlfriend who I suspected he would take. BUT he hadn't asked her yet and I was stubborn and really wanted to go with him so I waited it out. There was still hope! As I waited I wandered my high school's hallways looking at every guy who passed by evaluating him to see if he'd be a good backup date. I would immediately dismiss him because either he was too cool for me (most of them) or I was too cool for him (any guy smaller than me).

But really, my ego just wanted that Perfect Prom Date. I would listen to all the other girls talk about their dates, their dresses, where they were going for dinner and just smile and say, "That sounds great!" Meanwhile, I was thinking, "Where's MY guy?!" Finally, the time arrived when I had to know the answer so after some coaching from my mother I got up the courage and called up my crush. Here's how the conversation went:

Me: "Hey...[cough]...so I was thinking....that if you didn't have a prom date and I didn't have a prom date by next week then we could just go together."
Him: "........[Laugh out loud] You'll find somebody."
Me: "[Holding back tears] Okay, yeah, no, you're probably right."

HORRIFYING!!!

The way I felt when I hung up that phone in 1993 is exactly how I felt when I sent this email yesterday.

And that feeling is "FUCK! I've waited too long!"

I was doing the exact same thing back then that I did for years in my adult life which is dismiss a bunch of great guys in the middle of the pack who would be worth my time but I don't feel would live up to the ideal I have imagined in my mind for my Perfect Prom Date, Perfect Boyfriend, Perfect Husband, etc.

Now that I'm 33 years old (almost 34) I'm looking around the local pubs, galleries and cafes searching for ONE guy who's single, cute and not afraid of a 33-year old and realizing that most of them are paired up or looking for someone younger.

Have I waited too long??? SHIT!!!

For my senior prom I ended up going with an acquaintance who I had one class with when I was a freshman but who I hadn't spoken too since. He's a really nice guy but I wasn't attracted to him. But we had fun. Mainly because we went with a huge group of people who were all one level cooler than me so I made some new friends.

He and I slow danced once and it was awkward because we didn't know each other that well and he wasn't very good at it. The rest of the night all the guys just bounced around in a mosh pit as those were the Nivana days (consequently, all the girls had to help them find their cufflinks to their rented tuxes at the end of the night).

I'm experienced enough to know now that I need to give guys at least 3 dates before I strike them off the list but I'm not letting go of my high standards. It was okay to settle for a prom date but I'm not settling for a husband who is just a friend and can't "dance" very well. So if I have to wait.... I'll wait.