I Hate Men

So my other guy...Toronto Joe...is pissing me off.

I hadn't heard from him in a long time so I text him "Are you on email yet?" You see, the boy doesn't have internet access which makes it a liiiiiiittle difficult to communicate long distance. He doesn't text me back but instead calls me at 3-fuckin-am and leaves a message. Very sweet message actually [snap out of it]...but that's not the point! Also, in his message he tells me to call him at 1pm the next day. WHY didn't he just wait until THEN to call ME???!!!

I'm having a REALLY hard time sleeping lately due to the stress of being unemployed, moving to a new city, etc. I was just about to nod off when he called. So listening to his message got my brain going again and I swear I must have been up until 5am that night/morning.

I was pissed. I text him the next day letting him have it. He finally texted me back later that afternoon saying he didn't mean to piss me off. I sent him a couple of texts explaining that I was frustrated with him and our situation. He had asked me to "hang in there" but I don't know what I'm hanging in there for. It seems like he has too much going on, just got out of a relationship and a long distance thing is the last thing he needs. I said, "Please tell me if I'm wrong. I'd love to be."

He text back "You're not wrong but it's way more complicated between you and I." Then he said he was slammed at work (valet) and could he call me that night or tomorrow.

That was on Friday and I haven't heard from him. It's Monday. I broke down last night and text him saying that he could call me at 3am if that's the only time he can call because unfortunately I'm consistently up until that late now. I'm withering away to nothing with this lack of sleep but there seems to be nothing that I can do about it.

I'm so over men and their shit.

Didn't even take a week...

So the subject of my blog entry entitled, "Argh..." has already fucked it up. Didn't even take a week.

We had talked a lot about Halloween and how we both really like dressing up for the holiday. I helped him think of ideas for costumes, etc. So the day comes and I haven't heard from him so I text him at around 2:30pm asking if he's heard of any parties.

Nothing.

About 8:30pm rolls around and I text him again saying that I had heard from my friend Amy and she wasn't going out. Was he going out and had he thought of a costume.

Nothing.

About 9:30pm I finally get a text saying he had been napping and "might head to a bar."

Okayyyyyy.

So I text back saying that if he does to let me know because I need time to prepare my costume. Asked him if he had a costume and he replied, "Yes. In costume."

So I'm assuming since the boy has a costume he's going to go out and use it. I text him back a flirty line like "You're not gonna tell me what it is?"

I never heard back from him the rest of the night.

I had my costume all laid out on my bed. I was ready to go at a moment's notice. Just needed the text saying what bar to go to. I sat on the couch watching "7 Minutes in Heaven" (AWESOME 80's movie) and after two hours I realized that he was never going to text me to tell me where he was going. By that time I was so tired that I didn't have the energy to go out. My costume is a hugely energized character and it takes a lot to pull it off right.

The only way in "guyland" that he can get away with this is by saying that he didn't go out and I said "let me know IF you go out" but even that doesn't fly.

Just treat me with respect. And if you don't want me to go out with you then just say it's a "guy's night out" or LIE and say that you're not going out. SOMETHING for fuck's sake!

Cool couple of nights...

Tuesday night I hung out with a Broadway actress that was in the last pilot I worked on with Paul. She's so sweet. She invited a friend of hers - also an actress - to join us. It was nice to sit on a couch in a cool bar, drink wine and chat with two cool chicks. She'll be a nice person to call every once in awhile. She's married but she still goes out.

Then last night I hung out with a jazz drummer. He's a very sweet guy. We went to dinner and then to Zinc - a bar that often has jazz performers. I had never seen jazz live. I've always been a little intimidated by it because I didn't think I'd "get it." Apparently, it was a historical night because there were 6 guys playing - 3 different sets of brothers - who are all big up and comers in the jazz world. Then jazz legend - Roy Haynes - walked in and sat down right next to me. I didn't know who he was but my friend said, "He's the Cary Grant of Jazz. He's Jazz Royalty." I was so excited to be sitting next to him. Roy B---- what was his name again?

It was such a cool evening. What I always pictured a NY night of watching jazzzzzzz to be. I kept thinking of the "Sex & the City" episode where Carrie dates the hot jazz guy. Unfortunately my friend was sweet, but Craig Bierko he is not.

I had an interview yesterday that was so disappointing. It was with a huge advertising agency and I thought they were calling me in because they saw my resume (which has NO advertising experience on it) and thought I'd be good for a position there. But instead I walk in and the woman stares at me and asks "Sooo, why advertising?" My mind went blank as I thought, "Well, you called me in here so I'd like to ask you the same question."

I fumbled and gave the best answer I could and in the end she was helpful I suppose but it was essentially a waste of my time and hers. Embarrassing. She only called me in because she did a commercial 11 years ago with my former boss.

At least I'm finally going to get unemployment checks. $450/week! I'm FLABERGASTED that they pay you that much to not work. I think I'll go to a museum today...............

Argh...

I sent an email to the guy I cried in front of to explain why it happened. I just didn't want him thinking I'm a nutcase. I sent a short email telling him he didn't even need to reply but I needed to explain and that I was sorry for making him feel like shit (which I did).

So he calls me at 9:30pm when he's getting off of work and left a nice message apologizing as well...saying he shouldn't have pushed the issue...etc.

I didn't call him back and he emailed me this morning with:

"Bunches...Good morning. Just thinking of you and wanted to drop a line. Wishing I had some spare time."

ARGH! Now he's being all sweet which is going to make me like him again and then I'm back where I started. Liking a guy that doesn't have time or want to put forth the effort into a relationship. MUST remember that he doesn't want to date and I'm just going to be disappointed in the end.

Why I'm Meredith Grey

I had an epiphany today that I'm Meredith Grey from "Grey's Anatomy". Notsomuch with the 2 hunky doctors competing for my attention or the skinny figure or the pouty lips, but moreso with the sleeping with men that I shouldn't and then crying while the man is still in bed with me.

I made the mistake of trying to control a situation and it blew up in my face. If you've read any of my other blog entries you know about Toronto Joe. I'm missing him like crazy and am trying to put him on the back burner as he's too busy to even send me a text message these days. It's been really hard. When I was in Toronto he pursued me so vigorously and we saw each other all day, every day - very intense - and I got used to that intensity. Then I left Toronto and we've been reduced to the occassional email or quick phone call and there's no end in sight. Hence, back burner.

Meanwhile, I've moved to NYC and have been here for over 5 weeks. I'm umemployed which sucks (a) because I'm flying through my savings account MUCH faster than I thought I would and (b) it gives me too much time to think.

So there's a guy that lives here that I met at a wedding awhile back and we have great chemistry. So I was excited at the prospect of us hanging out in NY and seeing if there's anything between us. It became clear very quickly that this guy was not looking to date and just wants to have sex. I told him I didn't want that so we'll just have to be friends. Most of my relationships with men have been "friends with benefits" and I'm OVER it. I thought that I could be strong and just be friends with this guy but I'm attracted to him and vice versa and everytime we hung out he was all over me.

Of course I'm loving the attention because it's fun and his immaturity actually makes me laugh sometimes (he literally had to ask me at one point "What's a date then?") but I was telling myself to "stay strong" and not hook up with him. That lasted about 2 weeks. This past weekend I gave in and I'm being really hard on myself about it.

The more I thought about it though...it's just like a diet. As soon as I tell myself I can't have ice cream I go to the grocery store, buy the most fattening Ben & Jerry's I can find and proceed to eat the entire pint in 4 minutes flat.

I tried to put myself on a "man diet" and it completely backfired.

I got drunk Friday night when I was at dinner and drinks with this guy and two other friends. We were right around the corner from my place and he wanted to see my apartment so he came up and I decided to "get it over with" (so romantic). The sex itself was horrible because he hasn't had sex in so long that it lasted literally about 2 seconds. I didn't even realize anything had happened. We're comfortable with each other though so we were laughing about it and everything was fine. Then we decide to go to sleep, he tried to snuggle with me - something clicked in my brain - and I started to cry.

I couldn't stand to have him touching me. I went back to my insecure college days where all guys wanted to do was fuck me. Never wanted to take me out on a date. I got a huge complex as a result of those experiences that took awhile to get over. And here I was at almost 32 years old - right back in college.

I need to stop getting so drunk. When I get really drunk I tend to get pissy with someone or I cry about something. Not everytime, but about 1/2 the time. Not good.

So I pushed him off me...I felt like such shit about myself and told him so. He asked if I wanted him to leave and I said that he should stay. The next morning I didn't feel so bad and I let him hold me. I was so embarrassed and he was very sweet and then he had to go to his place because some maintenance guy was fixing his dryer. He asked me to come to his place to hang out but I didn't think that was a good idea.

So yeah....that was my Friday night/Saturday morning. I felt so pathetic and was beating myself up but whatever. I'm human. I'm Meredith Grey.