Not bad. Not bad at all.....

Life is good. I moved to NYC and within 3 months managed to build a new life. I live in the West Village. Rent-controlled, month-to-month apartment. Great roommate. Landed an amazing job as an Associate Editor at a new satirical news website that's going to launch early '07. I get to work in comedy. I can walk to work. I have benefits. And not just medical/dentail I'm talkin' BENEFITS. Like discounted movie tickets, gym memberships, flexible spending account, etc. It doesn't get any better than this.

I'm going to Toronto for New Year's to see Joe. I have a feeling it'll be really fucking great (pun intended) and then really fucking sad (no pun there...just really like using the "f" word). He just told me that he's missed the deadline to submit a script to Bravo Fact. They give money to short film makers. So he's going to have to raise the money himself. Which means he won't have money to come see me in NY anytime soon. Life's just goddamn getting in the way so I'm going to let go of the possibility that we'll be together anytime soon and just keep him in my life with the slight hope that'll change down the road.

Enough about me...did anyone see this article?

http://www.breitbart.com/news/2006/12/18/D8M3DS680.html

Jesus people...you think they wouldn't have found out eventually?

Thanksgiving

I had a good Thanksgiving. My parents flew up from Atlanta to visit me. My younger sister lives in Pompano Beach, FL with her fiance and was spending the holiday with his family down there. My parents knew that I didn't have the money to fly home for both T'day and Christmas so they flew up here. So nice of them.

I was bummed though because the main thing I wanted to do was show them around the Village but it was freezing and rainy the two days we could've done that. So we sat around my apartment a lot more than I was anticipating and I had nothing to eat or drink for them (note to self: must be a better hostess).

Luckily, the restaurant we chose for our Turkey feast was WONDERFUL!!! From the beginner cocktails and bread all the way through to dessert and tea was really, really good. I was feeling the pressure because usually we have T'day with all our extended family and tons of great food. I was SO happy this worked out. The parents were beyond satisfied. Yay!

Friday was fun. We went shopping and my dad was his wonderful patient self...sitting on the "man couch" in each store as my mom and I fought off the other bitches trying to get all the good stuff at the "day after Thanksgiving" sales. I emerged with a great dress from H&M and quite a few other things. Woo hoo!

Then we went window shopping at all of the major department stores on 5th Avenue. Bergdorf Goodman's had the BEST windows! They were truly spectacular. My mom and I were just in awe. Then we wandered the city trying to find a good restaurant and stumbed upon a place that's apparently a great classic restaurant ($$$). My dad was great though. Our vacation motto of "Nothing's too good for a Bunch" was in full force. After dinner we saw Martin Short's Broadway show "Fame Becomes Me" and it was actually hilarious. I like Martin Short alright but I'm not a HUGE fan. But I really enjoyed his show. The 4th row seats didn't hurt. Go Dad! He somehow scored those through his Holiday Inn concierge. Haha....

They left today :( Then tonight I went out with my former LA roommate and some other folks. I was hoping for a big night out but they all had to leave before midnight. I was reeeeeeally in the mood to go all out so I texted the dumb Notre Dame guy to see if he was around because he lives about 2 blocks from where we were hanging out. He said he was in Indianapolis for T'day but was sorry he missed me. He better be. Fucker. (For more info on him read the blog entitled "Didn't even take a week")

Today was the day Joe was supposed to come to NY to visit me. It's been tough but I resisted texting him or leaving him a drunk voicemail. I'll talk to him next week because I'm hopefully finding out about the website job. Also, he's finding out on Friday whether his film got into Sundance or not. So I know we'll talk then.

All 3 of you that read this blog...please keep your fingers crossed that I get this job. I interviewed last Tuesday for it and according to the editor I'm supposed to find out "as soon as possible after Thanksgiving" whether or not I got it. Over 250 people applied and they're only hiring 2 people for this position. I know I'm up there in their consideration but have no idea if I actually got it or not.

GOD - I hope I got this job.

I'm so excited it's the holidays!!! The decorations are starting to go up all over the city and they put a huge smile on my face. Christmas is my favorite holiday! And I LOVE that I'm finally in NY and can have a real Christmas for once. Not an LA-it's-75-degrees-and-the-only-trees-are-palm-trees Christmas.

'Tis the season to be jolly.......

So sad...

Toronto Joe and I finally decided to stop pretending that we have a shot at "us" in the immediate future and instead are just going to "keep our doors open to one another."

I've been crying for 2 days straight. Meanwhile, I'm assisting this writer part-time and I'm supposed to care about picking up his socks at some store and what salad dressing he likes.

WHY is it that I FINALLLLLY meet an amazing guy that loves me and I love him and all we're asking for is to be together and it can't happen? FUCK ME!!!

He was going to come to NY to visit me right after Thanksgiving and then we were going to hit Miami because his short film is in the festival there, but he can't do either trip now because of money. He doesn't have any. And neither do I. And even if I get a job that pays a lot I still can't see him in December because he'll be working so much at his freakin' valet job to make money that he can't take time off. Only to see his family the week of Christmas and I'll be seeing mine in Atlanta that week.

I guess it's not the end of the world to know that there's an amazing man out there that cares about me and maybe one day when things get better for him we can try it again. But I'm still so goddamn sad right now. My heart literally hurts right now. I think I'm about to have an anxiety attack. I need meds...

I have an interview tomorrow for a job. If I don't get it I'm going to go down a dangerous bad mental path. It's the ONLY specific job that I've heard about since I moved here that I want. I'm perfectly qualified for the job and have two major "in's" as well so the odds are in my favor. Please let THIS go right this week. I need this....

I Hate Men

So my other guy...Toronto Joe...is pissing me off.

I hadn't heard from him in a long time so I text him "Are you on email yet?" You see, the boy doesn't have internet access which makes it a liiiiiiittle difficult to communicate long distance. He doesn't text me back but instead calls me at 3-fuckin-am and leaves a message. Very sweet message actually [snap out of it]...but that's not the point! Also, in his message he tells me to call him at 1pm the next day. WHY didn't he just wait until THEN to call ME???!!!

I'm having a REALLY hard time sleeping lately due to the stress of being unemployed, moving to a new city, etc. I was just about to nod off when he called. So listening to his message got my brain going again and I swear I must have been up until 5am that night/morning.

I was pissed. I text him the next day letting him have it. He finally texted me back later that afternoon saying he didn't mean to piss me off. I sent him a couple of texts explaining that I was frustrated with him and our situation. He had asked me to "hang in there" but I don't know what I'm hanging in there for. It seems like he has too much going on, just got out of a relationship and a long distance thing is the last thing he needs. I said, "Please tell me if I'm wrong. I'd love to be."

He text back "You're not wrong but it's way more complicated between you and I." Then he said he was slammed at work (valet) and could he call me that night or tomorrow.

That was on Friday and I haven't heard from him. It's Monday. I broke down last night and text him saying that he could call me at 3am if that's the only time he can call because unfortunately I'm consistently up until that late now. I'm withering away to nothing with this lack of sleep but there seems to be nothing that I can do about it.

I'm so over men and their shit.

Didn't even take a week...

So the subject of my blog entry entitled, "Argh..." has already fucked it up. Didn't even take a week.

We had talked a lot about Halloween and how we both really like dressing up for the holiday. I helped him think of ideas for costumes, etc. So the day comes and I haven't heard from him so I text him at around 2:30pm asking if he's heard of any parties.

Nothing.

About 8:30pm rolls around and I text him again saying that I had heard from my friend Amy and she wasn't going out. Was he going out and had he thought of a costume.

Nothing.

About 9:30pm I finally get a text saying he had been napping and "might head to a bar."

Okayyyyyy.

So I text back saying that if he does to let me know because I need time to prepare my costume. Asked him if he had a costume and he replied, "Yes. In costume."

So I'm assuming since the boy has a costume he's going to go out and use it. I text him back a flirty line like "You're not gonna tell me what it is?"

I never heard back from him the rest of the night.

I had my costume all laid out on my bed. I was ready to go at a moment's notice. Just needed the text saying what bar to go to. I sat on the couch watching "7 Minutes in Heaven" (AWESOME 80's movie) and after two hours I realized that he was never going to text me to tell me where he was going. By that time I was so tired that I didn't have the energy to go out. My costume is a hugely energized character and it takes a lot to pull it off right.

The only way in "guyland" that he can get away with this is by saying that he didn't go out and I said "let me know IF you go out" but even that doesn't fly.

Just treat me with respect. And if you don't want me to go out with you then just say it's a "guy's night out" or LIE and say that you're not going out. SOMETHING for fuck's sake!

Cool couple of nights...

Tuesday night I hung out with a Broadway actress that was in the last pilot I worked on with Paul. She's so sweet. She invited a friend of hers - also an actress - to join us. It was nice to sit on a couch in a cool bar, drink wine and chat with two cool chicks. She'll be a nice person to call every once in awhile. She's married but she still goes out.

Then last night I hung out with a jazz drummer. He's a very sweet guy. We went to dinner and then to Zinc - a bar that often has jazz performers. I had never seen jazz live. I've always been a little intimidated by it because I didn't think I'd "get it." Apparently, it was a historical night because there were 6 guys playing - 3 different sets of brothers - who are all big up and comers in the jazz world. Then jazz legend - Roy Haynes - walked in and sat down right next to me. I didn't know who he was but my friend said, "He's the Cary Grant of Jazz. He's Jazz Royalty." I was so excited to be sitting next to him. Roy B---- what was his name again?

It was such a cool evening. What I always pictured a NY night of watching jazzzzzzz to be. I kept thinking of the "Sex & the City" episode where Carrie dates the hot jazz guy. Unfortunately my friend was sweet, but Craig Bierko he is not.

I had an interview yesterday that was so disappointing. It was with a huge advertising agency and I thought they were calling me in because they saw my resume (which has NO advertising experience on it) and thought I'd be good for a position there. But instead I walk in and the woman stares at me and asks "Sooo, why advertising?" My mind went blank as I thought, "Well, you called me in here so I'd like to ask you the same question."

I fumbled and gave the best answer I could and in the end she was helpful I suppose but it was essentially a waste of my time and hers. Embarrassing. She only called me in because she did a commercial 11 years ago with my former boss.

At least I'm finally going to get unemployment checks. $450/week! I'm FLABERGASTED that they pay you that much to not work. I think I'll go to a museum today...............

Argh...

I sent an email to the guy I cried in front of to explain why it happened. I just didn't want him thinking I'm a nutcase. I sent a short email telling him he didn't even need to reply but I needed to explain and that I was sorry for making him feel like shit (which I did).

So he calls me at 9:30pm when he's getting off of work and left a nice message apologizing as well...saying he shouldn't have pushed the issue...etc.

I didn't call him back and he emailed me this morning with:

"Bunches...Good morning. Just thinking of you and wanted to drop a line. Wishing I had some spare time."

ARGH! Now he's being all sweet which is going to make me like him again and then I'm back where I started. Liking a guy that doesn't have time or want to put forth the effort into a relationship. MUST remember that he doesn't want to date and I'm just going to be disappointed in the end.

Why I'm Meredith Grey

I had an epiphany today that I'm Meredith Grey from "Grey's Anatomy". Notsomuch with the 2 hunky doctors competing for my attention or the skinny figure or the pouty lips, but moreso with the sleeping with men that I shouldn't and then crying while the man is still in bed with me.

I made the mistake of trying to control a situation and it blew up in my face. If you've read any of my other blog entries you know about Toronto Joe. I'm missing him like crazy and am trying to put him on the back burner as he's too busy to even send me a text message these days. It's been really hard. When I was in Toronto he pursued me so vigorously and we saw each other all day, every day - very intense - and I got used to that intensity. Then I left Toronto and we've been reduced to the occassional email or quick phone call and there's no end in sight. Hence, back burner.

Meanwhile, I've moved to NYC and have been here for over 5 weeks. I'm umemployed which sucks (a) because I'm flying through my savings account MUCH faster than I thought I would and (b) it gives me too much time to think.

So there's a guy that lives here that I met at a wedding awhile back and we have great chemistry. So I was excited at the prospect of us hanging out in NY and seeing if there's anything between us. It became clear very quickly that this guy was not looking to date and just wants to have sex. I told him I didn't want that so we'll just have to be friends. Most of my relationships with men have been "friends with benefits" and I'm OVER it. I thought that I could be strong and just be friends with this guy but I'm attracted to him and vice versa and everytime we hung out he was all over me.

Of course I'm loving the attention because it's fun and his immaturity actually makes me laugh sometimes (he literally had to ask me at one point "What's a date then?") but I was telling myself to "stay strong" and not hook up with him. That lasted about 2 weeks. This past weekend I gave in and I'm being really hard on myself about it.

The more I thought about it though...it's just like a diet. As soon as I tell myself I can't have ice cream I go to the grocery store, buy the most fattening Ben & Jerry's I can find and proceed to eat the entire pint in 4 minutes flat.

I tried to put myself on a "man diet" and it completely backfired.

I got drunk Friday night when I was at dinner and drinks with this guy and two other friends. We were right around the corner from my place and he wanted to see my apartment so he came up and I decided to "get it over with" (so romantic). The sex itself was horrible because he hasn't had sex in so long that it lasted literally about 2 seconds. I didn't even realize anything had happened. We're comfortable with each other though so we were laughing about it and everything was fine. Then we decide to go to sleep, he tried to snuggle with me - something clicked in my brain - and I started to cry.

I couldn't stand to have him touching me. I went back to my insecure college days where all guys wanted to do was fuck me. Never wanted to take me out on a date. I got a huge complex as a result of those experiences that took awhile to get over. And here I was at almost 32 years old - right back in college.

I need to stop getting so drunk. When I get really drunk I tend to get pissy with someone or I cry about something. Not everytime, but about 1/2 the time. Not good.

So I pushed him off me...I felt like such shit about myself and told him so. He asked if I wanted him to leave and I said that he should stay. The next morning I didn't feel so bad and I let him hold me. I was so embarrassed and he was very sweet and then he had to go to his place because some maintenance guy was fixing his dryer. He asked me to come to his place to hang out but I didn't think that was a good idea.

So yeah....that was my Friday night/Saturday morning. I felt so pathetic and was beating myself up but whatever. I'm human. I'm Meredith Grey.

The Latest

I had pizza for dinner tonight. I needed it because I was hungover. From my going away party. Where am I going?

I'm moving to NYC in 5 days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've been wanting to live there ever since I can remember. My parents still have a framed picture of me hanging off the Wall Street sign at their house. Of course that was back in the day when I was a Finance major thinking I was going to move to NY and become some powerbroker chick.

So what if it's TEN years later and I'm moving without having a job OR a place to live? I'm totally secure with that. What? What are you looking at? Stop looking at me like that. I am NOT a loser. Jerry Maguire = loser. Me? I'm still working on my mission statement, alright? Or is it a memo?

Yeah, it might not be the smartest move, but I can't keep waiting for one of our pilots to get picked up. If you want something you can't wait around forever for it to happen to you. You have to make it happen. So that's what I'm doing. [fuck me]

The timing is right because we don't have much going on workwise and I would have to sign a lease on a new apartment soon if I wanted to stay in LA. And I don't. I'm subletting right now from the lead actor of the Toronto show but time's running out on that deal...plus, I'm just ready to go.

I have a lead on an apartment in the West Village. A friend of a friend is looking for a roommate and it could not be a more perfect situation. I've spoken with my potential roommate on the phone and it seems like we'd get along great as roommates. So fingers crossed that works out.

I also have a couple of general interviews set up with some big wigs so that makes me feel a little better about the no job thing. SOMEthing will come up eventually. It's just timing.

It's such a surreal feeling to watch something on TV about NY and know that I'll soon be LIVING there. Ah! This is huge...overwhelming really. The only negative is that I won't have my LA people with me. Can't imagine living in a city without certain friends of mine. Don't want to think about it...nooooot thinking about it. [tear]

So that's the big news.

In addition, I of course have a Joe update. I've been away from Toronto and him for over 2 months now and he's still on my mind all of the time. I'm head over heels for this guy. I miss him so God damn much! We've been emailing and have chatted on the phone twice. The first time was for 3 hours and cost $70. Freakin' Canada. The first 2 1/2 hours was great converation. Making each other laugh...then sighing...sitting in silence...confessing how much we missed each other...how much we think about each other...laughing again.

Then Joe led me down the dirty, dirty path to phone sex. He's such a bad, bad boy. Thank God! I was technically still able to wear a white dress when it came to phone sex so I had no idea what I was supposed to say. I let him do most of the talking. I'd start to say something and then felt like an idiot and would just moan and...you know what? Don't need to share all the details. We had phone sex. There. And it probably cost me about $12 in cell phone charges. Huh - I suppose that means I paid for sex. With a phone. Sweet - now I can check that off my list of "Things to Accomplish Before I'm 40".

The second phone conversation was recent. In the past 2 months he hadn't brought up whether or not he'd moved out of his girlfriend's apartment. He had broken up with her twice while I was there but she wasn't accepting it. He had told me that it was over and he was hoping to move into his brother's place in a week.

I assumed that he did just that. Although, part of me wondered because he never brought it up. So I finally did. And he's still living with her. I was upset and fired a machine gun of questions at him. It's a strange situation. She's messed up in the head. Threatened to kill herself the last time he broke up with her. He's all freaked out that she's going to follow through on her threat if he leaves. He sleeps on the couch most nights and they hardly ever see each other.

He's not the guy that's trying to have his cake and eat it too. Quite the opposite actually. He's sleeping on the couch in one situation and then I'm 3,000 miles away. So he without cake at the moment.

He said that he's "weak" and "too nice" and doesn't know how to leave. I suggested he seek the advice of a professional. I told him that we couldn't go on emailing each other the way we do and talking on the phone the way we do if he's still with her. It's not right. It's not fair. He agreed. I think neither one of us brought this up earlier because we didn't want to face reality. But we need to. I said I didn't know if I wanted to continue with "us" and he said, "You came out of the blue to me. I think about you every day. Please hang in there with me. Hang in there a little while until I can figure this out." I paused and said, "Okay, but I'm not waiting forever."

Last night I had my going away party. It was bittersweet. So many of my favorite people showed up and it was great having everyone in the same place - and for me. But to say goodbye is hard. I'm surprised with all the wine I was drinking that I didn't cry.

During the going away party Joe called my cell 5 times. While he was calling I was surely sharing this story with someone inquiring about our status.

On the way to Canter's (had to get the late night food - and subsequent stomach problems - one last time) I listen to his voicemail and he said that his grandmother died. He and his family buried her on Friday. Then they went to the premiere of "Hollywoodland" in which he has his first acting job in a major movie that night. I can't imagine how strange that day must have been for him.

Then he said he broke up with the girlfriend and "it's done." I've never smiled so big. I left him a message today and saying that I'd like to speak with him is the understatement of my life. I think I've listened to his voicemail 999 times. I think I'll go listen to it again. Might as well make it an even thou.

I need to know what "it's done" exactly means. If he's moving out then I'm on cloud nine.

I think we're actually going to get our shot! Hopefully he'll call me soon so I can get the whole story.

Joe moment #3

Near the end of the shoot I left the set at lunch to go back to my apartment. I needed to get away from work. Joe called and was at a bar right around the corner with two friends. I met him there.

Not 5 minutes after sitting down I knocked over his friend's beer. Luckily there wasn't that much left but I still felt like an asshole. And again - luckily - they thought it was funny.

The waiter approached and I ordered a beer and so did they.

We're chit-chatting, but the whole time I couldn't stop staring at Joe. He looked so damn good that day. His yellow Roots shirt perfectly highlighted his tan skin. The sun was shining in his eyes and his smile was so big. God, he's absolutely beautiful.

Unbeknownst to me, the waiter approaches behind me with fresh beers on his tray right at the exact moment my elbow decides to swing backwards and - you guessed it - beer spilled all over the the table. All over me...Joe's friends... yeah.

And again - luckily - they laughed as I said, "No WAY that just happened! Jesus Christ I'm an asshole!"

We had to move tables. The spill reminded me of the Exxon Valdez one. I finally got to drink a beer, get to know his friends a little bit and then I had to take off to go back to work. Oh yeah. Work. I had to leave an outside seat at a pub on a sunshine-filled day with Joe, his friends and beer to go back to work. Ugh...

There's was a tiny, tiny, tiny bit of awkwardness between Joe and I about making plans for later that evening. I told him I'd call him later and that was that. I really didn't think anything of it.

As I'm walking down the sidewalk to go back to my apartment to retrieve my laptop bag - my albatross - I hear someone running behind me - getting closer and closer. All of sudden Joe is standing in front of me out of breath. He said between breaths, "Okay, that...didn't end...the way I wanted it to. I have to see you later."

I laughed and grabbed him and kissed him and told him that of course we're going to see each other later. And we did...

Joe moment #2

Joe's last day on set. Sad day. He gets cut and we're chatting as he's about to leave. I suggested he meet me in the black & white film room in the museum downstairs for a makout session. He says he'll meet me there in 2 minutes.

This museum had a lot of contemporary, goth-like art. Very strange stuff. In the mix was a large room that showed black & white films. Strange films. No one was ever in there. A black curtain sealed the room perfectly.

I made my way down there and he was standing there with his arms crossed watching the film. I stood next to him mocking his stance and he said, "This is romantic." I laughed and started talking about one of the films I had watched earlier and he interrupted me by grabbing my face in his hands and kissing me.

We made out until we had to force ourselves to stop and I said I'd call him later....

Joe moment #1

The Tuesday after the Mets game weekend there was a screening of a movie that one of the Producers on our show had Directed. Some Toronto Film Festival people were attending and he needed us to fill the seats and laugh with all our might.

I had been awake since about 5am that morning. We shot all morning at Wal-Mart and it was stressful for the crew, but not for me because my boss was there that morning which meant I didn't have much to do except play cat and mouse in my mind with Joe. I had fun walking in the different aisles wondering if he'd be there. Then I'd find him and my heart would jump. As I'd pass him and say, "Hello" and find some way to physically touch him whether it be his arm or chest. The sexual tension was building.

When nearing the end of the shoot he asked me (with a little nervous energy) if I'd like to write something with him. I said yes and he looked so satisfied, bent his head down and said, "Awesome." I know what writing means to him and was so honored that he asked me. After not being able to talk with him all day and then letting doubt start to creep into my mind about how he feels about me...to be asked that question was such sweet relief and validation. I'm not imagining all of this.

After Wal-mart I went to editing with my boss and by the end of the day I was beat but knew Joe would be at the screening so I made myself go. The thought of hanging out with him that night infused me with the second wind I so badly needed.

I showed up at the screening before him. Soon after he walks in wearing my favorite outfit a man can wear. A crisp, white, button-down collared shirt, dark jacket, good pair of jeans and stylin' sneakers (bright orange Pumas in this case). He looks so damn hot I could hardly contain myself. But I had to because I didn't want my boss - who was sitting next to me - to know that I was involved with someone on set. I would be mortified if he ever thought I was compromising my job to essentially hang out with "a boy".

When everyone was finding their seats for the screening I made sure to hold back so that I could find two empty seats for Joe and I. And perfectly, two seats in the back were pretty much all that were left. It was as if everyone there read my mind and said, "We got yer back, Stace. No worries."

Without saying anything to Joe, I sat down and then felt him notice the empty seat next to me and come to claim it. Perfect.

The movie started and it wasn't that funny. But I fulfilled my duties and laughed in all the right places and then some, but found it hard to concentrate because I kept finding myself overwhelmed by the physical chemistry pulling me towards Joe's seat. It's as if there was a rubberband wrapped around the two of us but it's way too tight and I kept pushing myself away from him so that I'm centered in my seat. But then...a couple minutes later...and I'd lean his way again.

He took out his cell phone and typed a text message to show me. "I'm dying right now" it said. My heart jumped. I took a deep breath. Looked into his eyes and mouthed, "Me too."

He leaned over to me - apparently having problems with the tiny rubberband as well - and whispered in my ear "There are 10,000 things I'd rather be doing right now and they're all with you." I let my head dip and fall into him for a brief moment to allow the heart-pumping wave of breathlessness wash over me. I pulled away and looked at him. I didn't say anything. We just stared at each other - the light from the film illuminating our faces. His eyes. I can't stop looking at his eyes. When he looks at me I feel like the most interesting person in the world. The only person.

The movie droned on. It's didn't get any better, but like a good soldier I kept laughing. So did Joe. I think he actually enjoyed the film. Good for him. I felt his arm sliding down his chair's armrest. His hand approached mine. I closed my eyes and waited for contact. His hand barely grazed my pinky and my heart skiped a beat. He noticed and said, "Sorry." He knows he's driving me mad.

That was the longest movie in the history of filmmaking.

After it was finally over next up was a screening at another place of Joe's short film for his cast and crew. He had invited me to come. Originally, his girlfriend was going to be there so I wasn't going to go. I didn't want a face to match the name. I need her to not be "real" in my mind. But she changed her mind and didn't go so I lucked out.

I was so happy that I got to share that experience with him. He was so nervous and excited. He's so incredibly passionate - it thrills me.

We arrived at the Spoke Club and it's one of the greatest places I've ever been. You could feel the history there. We all went downstairs for the screening and I found myself in a familiar place - not knowing how to act. Everyone there knows he has a girlfriend so my instinct is to act like I'm just a friend so I go to sit in a different row than him, but he says, "Where do you think you're going. Get up here!" and motions for me to sit right next to him in the front row. Again, when doubt creeps into my brain - he validates.

He grabed my hand and put it on his heart so I could feel it beating out of his chest. I felt it and said, "It's gonna be great. They're gonna love it." And of course they did.

Afterwards, everyone went back upstairs for more cocktails and moviechat. I talked with Joe's cousin, Sean, who is less than thrilling to speak with. He thinks I look like a young Sally Field. I prefer Joe's Diane Lane reference. I finally get to talk with someone else - Stu - the editor of the film. What a cool guy. What I love about Toronto is that it has plenty of people that are in the Entertainment business but they're real people. So refreshing.

The few late-nighters go to another bar - I of course go as well because that means more time with Joe. Once there, I sat down next to him in at the table and proceeded to have the single most satisfying conversation I've ever had with a man. At this point we were so in awe of each other and how strongly we felt already. He was so open and honest that it melted away any fears I had and I was able to tell him exactly what I was thinking. He said he was looking for me in the different aisles at Wal-mart that day. I laughed and said I was doing the same thing.

He said that I was so beautiful. How - after having gotten up at 5am, thrown my hair into a clip and put on a t-shirt and jeans - he could possibly see what he was seeing was beyond me. I've never felt so worthy in my entire life. He said that he wanted to come to NY with me. I said I wanted him to come. We were both so excited to finally have this dialogue and let the other know what we were thinking!

He came back to my place but it was a work night so he couldn't spend the night. We attacked each other the moment the elevator doors closed. It seemed to arrive at the 20th floor in about 3 seconds flat. We made it around the corner to my apartment and once inside we consumed each other. I couldn't kiss him hard enough...soft enough.

He grabed my face in his hands - which made me feel so safe - he looked me in the eyes and said, "I love you."

I immediately pulled back and shook my head no. All I was thinking was "this amazing guy can't possibly feel that way about me...already." I was scared of the intensity and kept shaking my head and he said, "Yes, Stacey, take it in. Do with it what you want. I love you."

I can't do anything but kiss him more. I've never kissed someone so passionately in my life.

Eventually we rip ourselves off of each other and he slips out the door.

And then I had to go to bed and get up 5 hours later to go to work.

I love life

One minute I'm in Atlanta hanging out with my parents - driving around the suburbs. The next, I'm in LA crashing at a friend's place where I meet Ron Paul. He's a 40-something hippy who was ruminating about reincarnation within about 5 minutes of meeting me. Then he sang me a Jackson Browne song while playing the guitar. I ate my Lean Cuisine meal and watched out of respect.

I love random moments like that in life. A few nights later he gave all the girls in the apartment I'm currently residing amazing massages. Mine was about 2 hours long. Incredible. During the massage he would say, "It's all about giving love and receiving love. I'm feeling your love coming at me right now." Meanwhile, I'm like, "Yeah, get the shoulders real good there, Ron Paul. I'm a little tight."

He called me today but didn't leave a message. I gave him my number, but never thought he'd use it. He's about to take off for Europe with his Parisian girlfriend. He didn't leave a message. I think I'll leave it at that.

Toronto Joe

I'm having the best time in Toronto.

The job is insannnnnely busy. Ridiculous actually. It's completely unorganized and really tense on set at times, etc. We fired our lead actor guy after 2 days because he just wasn't cutting it. This put us behind schedule-wise and things have been a nightmare of unorganization - chaos, really - ever since. We can't seem to catch up. But we'll make it through.

Last weekend I went out with our two actors and some of their friends and had a great time. Good food, good conversation, etc.

And I met a boy. Get ready for a long story. He's 27 and this artist, actor, writer, director, producer guy. His name is Joseph and he's amazing. From Day One on set I could tell he was looking at me and he was one of the few people on set that I never got around to officially introducing myself to. We had only exchanged a few "hi/bye's" and then one day he walked right up to me and said, "Has anyone ever told you you look like Diane Lane?" I hadn't showered and had a baseball hat on. I was like, seriously? But as cheesy/sweet as the line was - it was the way he looked at me when he said it that began the intrigue.

From then on we would chat a little here or there on set and that was it. Then last Saturday night I'm out with the actors and some of their friends and I hear that he's going to meet us out. So he does and I ditch the group I was with and went with he and his brother and cousin to another bar.

So Joseph has been drinking and tells me that he has a huge crush on me, he thinks I'm amazing, blah, blah...goes on and on. And it's really intense since he's an artist. He just made a short film and he said I was blowing his mind and he thinks part of him made the movie for me...on and on. I have never been more flattered in my life. Typing this out and re-reading it - I can see how it would look like, "Oh come on...." but it's the honesty with which he reveals these thoughts that makes me trust it.

So that night he came back to my place and we made out. He spent the night. At this point I was thinking, "Eh...he's fun to play with while I'm in Toronto, but I'm not going to get that into him."

So I show up for work this past Monday and it's a little awkward on set...then Tuesday's not as bad...then by Friday we're finding as much time as possible to sit next to each other so we can talk. He's really grown on me. We have so much in common and he's so fun to be around. He has a great laugh and thinks I'm hysterical which is always nice :) He asked me out for Saturday - Mets vs. Blue Jays game.

Backup to Friday - we were getting a ride home from our location in the Line Producer's truck. There wasn't enough room for Joseph in the truck so he was sitting in the bed of the truck in the back. So I hopped in there with him and it was so much fun. We were talking about how random life can be. One minute I'm in LA...the next I'm lying down in the back of a truck with Toronto Joe engulfed in amazing conversation.

We thought we were getting a ride home but then the truck stopped at this bar/restaurant. So we hop out of the truck and look like total rednecks to the hip Toronto-ites smoking outside. Awesome. I love that shit.

He sat next to me and we'd be in mid-conversation and then just stop and laugh and stare at each other because we can't believe how well we get along. Then he said, "You make me feel so special." I've never hung out with a guy so unafraid of saying exactly what he's thinking. It's so goddamn refreshing and freeing.

So we proceeded to get drunk. We ran into the editor of his short film - which I watched and it's absolutely beautiful. He's really talented. Which makes him all the more sexy. So we hang out with the editor and then he says that he wrote a poem for me. I'm thinking, "this guy is too much." And he was all drunk and embarrassed and wanted me to read it and then said, "no, no, I can't let you - it's not finished yet." He finally decided to let me read the first part and it was really good. He makes ME feel so special.

He came back to my place again and spent the night. We stayed in bed until the early afternoon. He left to shower and came back to take me to the Mets game. After that we went up to the top of the CN Tower which is the tallest free standing structure in the world. So we go up there and get a drink and watch the sunset. With another person it would've been cheesy but it isn't with him for some reason. On the way down in the elevator full of people we stood in the middle and faced each other. We stood as close as possible without touching. Our cheeks were side by side and we stayed in that position and didn't say a word the whole ride down. Just stood in silence and immersed ourselves in the tangible chemistry. When the elevator door opened I felt ourselves physically have to separate to exit. He looked at me and said, "Good times."

Then we went to get dinner...then went to another place to get wine & cheese. He knows a lot about wine and fine dining (LOVE that!)...then we went to a dance club that was horrible but we were laughing about how horrible it was. Then he came back to my place again and spent the night. We never run out of things to talk about, laugh about and even if there's some silence it's comfortable.

So - this whole long story - and the twist is he has a girlfriend. But he's been really honest with me from the beginning and said that he lives with her, they've been going out for a couple of years, but it's essentially over. He sunk all of his money into this short film so he can't afford to move out. He's stuck. He can't move in with his parents because they're about 1 1/2 hours outside the city and he needs to be in the city for film connections. He can't shack up with friends because most of them are living with someone or have a baby on the way, etc.

I've never been with someone knowing they have a girlfriend, but I don't care. I'm just going with it. It's so rare to find a connection and I'm not going to NOT hang out with him. Especially since he said it's over between them - it sounds like he's the real life mirror image of the movie "The Break Up". Plus, I have to think of this as an affair since we don't live in the same city.

It's going to be interesting going forward with him. He's someone that I already know I want in my life for as long as I'm alive. I want to travel with him. I miss him when I'm not around him. I worry that I'll get too attached to him - and the artist intensity - and it'll be difficult to say goodbye to him when I leave Toronto, but I'm going to worry about that later. I wouldn't miss out on a minute of being able to hang out with him because of a little heartache down the road. I feel so lucky to have him in my life. And it's amazing to be able to tell him that to his face without fear of rejection, humiliation...

Besides Joe.... Toronto is a wonderful city. It's one of the most international cities in the world yet everyone gets along so well. The people are all so friendly. You get the city/NY feel without the claustrophobia. You can drink the water from the tap. There are so many trees. The streets are clean. I'm really enjoying it.

The apartment they have me in is so sweet. I'm on the top floor (20th) of this building so I have a cool city view. And weekly maid service which helps.

My mom and dad are coming up here for Canada Day weekend (same as July 4th weekend). I'm so excited! After this is over I'm probably going to Atlanta for a week to hang out with them and then...? I have no idea. We'll see. This Toronto show could hit and become a regular 1/2 hour somewhere. Whatever. I'm really not thinking about it at all. There's no time since we're so busy - so that's a good thing. Will deal when the time comes.

Exciting changes ahead...

Heineken

That's what I'm drinking right now...a Heinekin. It makes me happy.

Ahhhh, yeahhh [deep sighhhhhh]

I'm at the office. It's 11:03pm on Saturday night and I'm at the office. Did I say, "I'm at the office?" Oh, right. Back there three times. Sorry. Just wanted to make sure everyone knew I was at the office. There' s a perfectly good explanation, but it still screams, "LOSER!" no matter how you tell it.

But I'm gonna tell it...so liketahearithearitgoes.

I'm flying to Toronto, Ontario tomorrow morning. I'm going to be staying there for 2 months to work on our TBS project. Our fucking CBS pilot didn't get picked up. The one that would've landed me the promotion that I've been working towards for 2 years. And would've gotten me to NY. Yeah. THAT one. Didn't get picked up. So now I'm going to Toronto to work with a bunch of characters on our other thing. I was trying to stay positive but that wasn't working so I thought I'd blog it out. It's my therapy. So I logged onto Internet Explorer to get to my blog and I have CNN.com as my homepage. Please check out this article I saw as I logged on:

http://www.cnn.com/2006/WORLD/americas/06/03/canada.terror/index.html

Uhhhhhh, YEAH! Just lovely. I didn't realize Canadians were so bad ass, but regardless, I don't need to see that the night before I board a plane to Toronto.

Then I saw this article. Is it bad that I wish I could be there to party with them?

http://www.cnn.com/2006/US/06/03/hell.party.ap/index.html

To catch everyone up to speed I have moved out (as of tomorrow) of the Bev Hills 90210 house I lived in for 3 years. My friend that owns the house has gotten engaged and his woman's moving in and needs my room for her stuff. So I'm out.

When I get back from Toronto I'll be homeless.

That sucks.

Then when I'm done with this job in Toronto I'll most likely be jobless as well.

That sucks.

I need anti-anxiety medication. I'm serious. [sipping Heinekin] I think it'll really help me. I was always anti-taking pills but now I've gone to the other side and feel that having anxiety all the time really isn't all it's cracked up to be. I'm now just anti-anxiety. If a pill helps me get through a rough patch - then why the hell not?

So why am I at the office? Before I take off for Toronto I needed to park my piece of shite 1987 Nissan Sentra at work so my co-worker can keep an eye on it. I meant to do it earlier today, but I went over to my boss's house to do something on his computer and it took longer than expected. BUT, the payoff was his wife had friends over for her birthday and they had leftover Dom Perignon so I had 4 glasses while I was on his computer.

I love LA. Sipping my Dom while working on some guy's computer.

So then I drove to work. Dumped my car. Came into the office to grab a Heine and thought I'd blog.

What else is going on? I had one last night with Hot Actor Boy Jeffrey. It was...interesting. He had a friend in town and they were going out with a bunch of friends to Baha Cantina - a really fun meat-market type of margarita joint. I love it. Reminds me of Rio Bravo in Buckhead (which is now shut down - so sad).

So I get to the place - can't find him anywhere. I call. No answer. Order and drink a margarita by myself. I call. No answer. I order another margarita. Befriend the 2 guys and 2 girls sitting at the bar in front of me. One of the guys is an actor and had auditioned for our CBS pilot. Reminded of how small a town LA is. I take another look around the bar and finally find Jeffrey. He had grown a beard when he was in Thailand and I didn't recognize him.

He looks hot. As usual.

He's at a HUGE table with tons of friends so I take a seat at the end and chat up his friends. Drink more margaritas. The 2 guys I chatted with earlier come find me. We bond over the fact that the 2 girls they were with were annoying. One of the guys asks for my number and as I'm giving it to him I say, "Oops. I'm moving in a week sooo..." He shuts his phone. It hits me that I'm really leaving. I drink more alcohol.

Jeffrey, his friends & I go to another bar and I have a couple beers. His friends are really cool and I'm having fun. Then I make some snide comment to him and he says, "What are you doing? Are you picking a fight?" I look at him and am about to bust into tears so I run out of the bar........and proceed to bust into tears.

Apparently I wasn't raised to be okay with sleeping with a guy for YEARS but not feel anything towards that person. God damn my parents. I proceed to cry and try to stop myself which only makes me cry more. I tell Jeffrey that I've been really lonely in LA and he's kept me going and I cherish out time together but I'm not able to sleep with him and feel nothing. He grabs me and tells me that he wouldn't keep calling me if he didn't care about me. Part of me felt like he meant it. Part of me felt like he was just saying it because I was crying. I was drunk - who knows.

He was such a sweetheart though. A trooper really. We went back to his place. I grabbed his guitar and pretended I could play (In another life I'm going to be a GREAT guitar player) . He said I looked sexy holding the guitar. He taught me how to strum. We smoked pot. I felt better. He found some massage oil and gave me a really long massage. I felt better. We had sex. I felt much better.

Then I couldn't sleep and wanted to have sex again. So I rubbed him in the right ways and we got worked up and then the most interesting thing happened: We had angry sex. I've never done that before but we were pushing each other away and hitting each other (lightly) and it went on for a long time. It was really fucking interesting.

Then we slept and had the morning sex. GOD I love the morning sex. Then we went out to breakfast and it was awkward. There were so many things I wanted to say to him. I hate how he's never ONCE asked me anything about myself. How many siblings do I have? Did I play sports in high school? Who's my favorite Olympian? WHAT-ever. Just something. But no. We just sat there. Finally he said, "Soooo, Toronto huh?" I could barely talk about it though for fear of my tear bucket overflowing again. I'm too damn sensitive.

At the end of the breakfast we talked about the book "Night" and he said he'd mail me his copy so I could read it. I emailed him my address and instead of the book he emailed me a postcard he had written to me when he was in Thailand. He had put the Thai stamps on it, but didn't have my address to mail it. He had saved it. And mailed it to me. His way of saying, "Shut up. I care about you." It was a small gesture, but it meant a lot.

So tomorrow I fly to Toronto. Then next weekend I fly to Vegas to celebrate my Aunt Diana's 60th birthday. She's skydiving. My dad will be there. I can't wait to see him! And my cousins Randy & Steve who kick ass as well. I miss my family.

Morning Sex

I love morning sex. Don't you? I've decided that I need to start more of my mornings this way. There's no comparison between morning sex and my herbal tea. Sex is definitely a better way to start the day.

I wrote that first paragraph of this entry on February 23rd. It's now May 5th and I'm finally getting around to finishing. I've been a liiiiiitle busy with work. That first paragraph makes me want to cry because it means that it's pretty much been since February 23rd that I've had morning sex. And instead of being out at some Mexican bar celebrating their independence with a cool, tasty margarita tonight (What? I care about Mexico's independence from...was it Spain? Britain? Mesopotamia? Whatever...I care about [margaritas] Mexico's independence.).........I'm stuck at work at 8:25pm on a Friday night. And it would be okay if I were doing stimulating, satisfying work, but instead I'm printing scripts. But at least I have time to catch up on this blogging thing.

I shall break everything down into life categories so as to make this organized (I'm not unlike "Monica" from Friends - I'm way too anal and freakishly strong).

Friends (speaking of)
I hope they're doing well. I've been working too much in the past month and a half to know what's going on with anyone. I hope they're still alive and well and wanting to hang out with me when I resurface.

Family
See "Friends"

Sex (yessss, this qualifies as a "life category")
If it weren't for Hot Actor Boy Jeffrey I wouldn't have anything to put in this category. But thank God for 8" favors. We hung out awhile ago and had a great night. And morning. Hence the beginning of this blog entry. He made me breakfast and then took me for a ride on the back of his motorcycle. We drove up the PCH to Pepperdine and then through Topanga Canyon and back home. That was a moment I hope I never forget. Holding onto a hot guy on the back of his bike while looking at the beach whizzing by. Awesome.

Then we went to a Billy Joel concert that week as well. I got free tickets through work and my first backstage pass. That was pretty damn cool. I had met Billy earlier in the day and was so in awe that when he asked, "How are you?" I said, "I...I'm goo-...well, I uh, I'm fine." It was as if I was a frustrated toddler trying to get put together these new things called WORDS that everyone around me used to communicate thoughts. Classic.

The concert was really, really fun. Billy rocked the house. Sean Hayes sat behind us. Marlee Matlin was in our row. Scott Grimes (red head from "ER") was in front of us. And best of all Hot Actor Boy Jeffrey thought I was supercool for the great seats and VIP access. So I stayed the night at his place and went to work the next morning. That was the last I saw of Hot Actor Boy Jeffrey because he went to Thailand for a couple weeks. He just got back though so hopefully we'll get together soon ;)

Car
I drove a Saturn for about 1 1/2 years that I bought off my roommate. I hated that car. After it hit the 50,000 mile mark everything started falling apart on it. No A/C, window was stuck down just in time for rainy season, radio reception sucked, seat belt wouldn't retract, couldn't open the glove box because it wouldn't shut again......the list goes on.

I think I subconsiously wanted to end it's life so I wasn't that shocked when I got into a fender bender one rainy morning on my way to work. I hit some old guy with a Disability Plate on the back of his new Mercedes. Lovely.

But I emerged victorious and once again proved that reckless driving pays off because my Saturn was totaled as a result of the tiny accident (proves the car is literally worth a piece of shit) and I got a check from my insurance company.

I get on Craig's List and 12 hours and $900 later I'm driving a......[drumroll]......1987 Nissan Sentra. YEAH BABY!!!! It rocks. I made an $800 profit at the end of the day. Not bad. So if you see an old person driving around. Go rear end 'em a little bit. You could pay off a credit card or take a spa weekend.

I get in the new tin box this past Tuesday morning and it's completely dead. Great. I haven't even had time to take it to the DMV to get the damn thing registered and it's dead. I hadn't even had it a month yet.

So I wait a couple days until I have time to call a tow truck from AAA. The tow truck guy gets to the house and I explain the problem and he suggests trying to start the car. I roll my eyes and say, "I'm telling you it's dead." I put the keys in and it starts right up. He was very nice not to rub my nose in it.

So I'm driving around at lunch and the car dies again. In the middle of the street when I'm driving. Some nice guys happened to be walking by and pushed the car off the road for me. I call AAA again. Another tow truck guy comes. Remember this is the same day. I explain the problem to him and he suggests popping the hood. I roll my eyes and say, "I'm telling you it's dead." He looks at the battery and one of the things popped off the thing (sorry, you'll have to fill in your own mechanical jargon there). He puts it back on and the car starts right up.

I gave him a $10 for his trouble. I swear....[note to self: sign up for car engine class]

At least the car's working now.

Work
I'll try to make this brief, but I can't promise anything (and if you've made it this far you've realized by now that I'm not the most succinct blogger. I feel details are very important).

So - we have several projects going on at work, but there are 2 main ones. A show for TBS and a show for CBS. The "T" and "C" are very important distinctions.

The TBS show has been really frustrating so far because of the people we're working with. And just the nature of the project. There are 83 scripts to number, title, organize, give notes on and keep straight in my head. What draft are we up to on #47? What's the location of #29? Etc. This project is shooting in Toronto and it's recently come up that I may go for the shoot to assist the director with whatever she needs and also be there for the entire post production which is scheduled to go through Aug. 15th. And with these people I'm sure we'll run over.

Now - there's the other show. For CBS. We find out in 11 days if that's getting picked up. If it does then I'm probably getting a promotion to Associate Producer and will be moving to NY where that one will shoot. UNLESS they decide to do the post production here in LA. In which case I'll be devastated because I really, really want to move to NY, but can't pass up the opportunity on the show.

And then there's a twist. If the CBS show gets picked up then I'd probably need to be in NY ready to work by the beginning of August. Which means that the Toronto show would overlap. And since I can't be in two places at once...I don't know.

AND I may have to make a decision to go to Toronto or not BEFORE we find out about the CBS show. I don't think that'll happen but it's possible.

Still with me?

Best case scenario is that the CBS show gets a midseason pickup which means we'd start a little later and I could probably fit in both projects.

But - as we all know - life just doesn't turn out that well. Usually. Maybe I'll get to cash in on some of that good karma that's bound to be heading my way aaaaaany day now. 11 days to be exact.

Viva La Mexico!

Up and Down

This week has been so up and down (hence the title of this blog entry). It started out great because we booked the actor we really wanted for a TV pilot I'm working on.

Up!

Then I did my taxes and found out I owe a lot of money and my entire savings account that was to help me move to NY will be gone.

Down!

Then my boss gave me a raise and a bonus to make up for what I have to pay in taxes.

Up!

Then I found out we're shooting our TV pilot in LA instead of NY (I really wanted to go to NY).

And down again!

Then last night I watched Oprah on TiVo and she did that annoying thing she does which is put everything in perspective. She reported on the state of things for the Hurricane Katrina survivors.

Okay, so my little ups and downs are nothing, Oprahhhh. I realize I'm lucky to be alive, have a job, a roof over my head and food in my stomach.

It was one of those reports that - by the end - makes me want to quit the Entertainment biz and do something more philanthropic with my life. Buuuuut I need to make some money first before I can be such a "giver".

It truly is amazing how she's building 65 homes and creating a new community in Houston, TX. I love that she uses her power for good.

But then I hate it when she interviews Tom Cruise and kisses his ass the whole time, but...no one's perfect.

Is it bad that I'm watching "American Idol" instead of the Olympics? I feel like a bad American or something. I just can't bring myself to care about watching some chicks from Japan and Norway speed skate...or luuuuuge. (You have to say it like that. "Luuuuuuuge." Otherwise you're not doing the word - or the sport - justice) Meanwhile, my roommate is actually THERE in Turin... Torrino... TomAto...Tom-AH-to...whatever.



vs.



Tough call...

Okay, so I just took a break from writing this entry (this is tougher than it looks) and saw an article on freakin' CNN.com that told me who won the Gold medal for the woman's figure skating. That's the ONE THING I wanted to watch tonight! Fuckin' time difference. They should put a disclaimer at the beginning telling you that you might not want to read any further or it'll ruin it for you.

I'm going to try a new Lean Cuisine frozen dinner tonight. Ahhhhh, my Beverly Hills lifestyle. Aren't you jealous? It's Lemongrass Chicken!



I'm going to recommend a book to you 3 people who read this blog. It's "Twighlight of the Superheroes" by Deborah Eisenberg. It's a collection of short stories and I've only read the first one so far, but I love her writing style. Check it out...

Great toast

I was reading a book today (are you impressed?) and in it there was a great toast that I want to remember and share with whoever reads this thing. The next time you need to make a quick, witty toast before drinking alcohol try using this one:

"Here's hoping that when you get to Heaven...it's at least 30 minutes before Hell finds out."

I thought that was great. And please notice my use of the ellipses in there. The beat is very important for emphasis.

That'll be my "go-to" toast when the pressure's on. Now that I think about it I need a "go-to" joke too. Don't really have one. Everyone needs a good solid joke to tell at parties. Must get working on that.

Weekend Review

MAN, I had the best weekend! After all the party craziness of the weekend before I was thankful that I had NOTHING that I HAD to do this weekend. It was fabulous. Friday night I stayed home and watched part of the Opening Ceremonies and I gotta say - pretty damn boring. Thank God for TiVo. I always feel so stupid too when they announce some country that I've never heard of before. "...Angora...Aruba...Aruthagippinstan...Bali..." Wait, what? I TiVo backwards to make sure I heard the announcer correctly.....yep, yep, he said "Aruthagippinstan" alright. I watch the globe at the bottom swirl around to the location of the country - still lost.

So....yeah, I got tired of feeling stupid - go figure - and resorted to my always faithful "Sex & the City" rerun.

Saturday I slept in really late (love that) and decided I needed to go running. I haven't run since the NY Marathon in early November and I was itching for a good jog (why does that sound sexual? GOD, I'm in heat). Given that I may be moving to NY soon I thought it'd be a good idea to take advantage of being close to the beach while I'm still in LA. So I drove up the PCH and found a cool spot. Put on my iPod and selected "Bittersweet Symphony" by The Verve (so cliche, but don't judge...) which was the perfect song. The weather was fuckin' fantastic (75 degrees in February), the surfers were all lined up in their black wet suits, the sun was shining and I just ran. It felt great! .......aaaaand after about 5 minutes I had had enough of thaaaaat so I relaxed in my beach chair for about an hour listening to mellow tunes and then headed home.

With traffic it was a 27-hour round trip experience, but toooootally worth it.

Stayed in Saturday night as well. I contemplated calling a friend to go out, but in the end I got lazy and watched more of the Olympics. Saw a girl that I met at the Salt Lake Olympics in 2002 win the Gold medal in the moguls so that was cool.

I must admit that I also read some of Dr. Phil's book "Love Smart" Saturday night. My mom mailed this book to me randomly about a month ago and I almost lost my shit when I opened the box. I thought it might have been another belated birthday gift so I ripped open the package and......yeah. Dr. Phil's advice on finding a man. Jesus Christ. Is she serious? But luckily for her she included a note that said she didn't know if I'd get anything out of the book but thought she'd try. And it's a hardcover too. My mother borrows paperback books from people so she doesn't have to buy them. But when it comes to me finding a man she apparently has no problem shelling out the dough.

I was very ANTI the book. The whole idea of it pissed me off. "I don't need HELP finding a man! Reading a BOOK isn't going to help me find the guy of my dreams!" It sat on my floor next to my bed for about 2 weeks. Dr. Phil's smiling face looking up at me saying, "You're still siiiiiiinnnggglllllllle. There must be something wrong with you. Just read the first chapter. Go on little one. You can do it. You never knowwwwwww."

Fucking Dr. Phil. I hid the book for our party last weekend to protect myself from any potential embarrassing comments. That's ALL I need. So I found the book again this past Saturday night and decided that since I have a first date with a guy this week.....it can't hurt to just skim a little.

Most of the book is stuff I don't need, but he did have a few helpful statements I'll take with me.

Thank you, Dr. Phiiiiiiiil. [she says very unenthusiastically]



ANYWAY...Sunday I decided to place myself in a "target rich environment" (Dr. Phil-ism) and go to the golf range to hit a bucket of balls. I tried on 2 different casual outfits and spent about 15 minutes doing my hair when - in the end - it ended up in a baseball hat because Lord help me I look like I tried too hard. Overall it took me an hour to get ready - to go sweat.

The only cute boy at the driving range was with a cute girl (my baseball hat was better though - WHAT? I'm not bitter.) so that part was a bust, but I got some good golf swings in there.

Then I got the NY Times and plopped myself at a table at Red Rock and had a Guiness and a turkey burger. Then a girlfriend of mine called out of the blue so she joined me which was fun.

I ended the weekend with "Grey's Anatomy" of course. The world would end if I missed one second of Dr. McDreamy. Someone told me recently that I look like Ellen Pompeo and now everytime she's on screen I'm looking at her and thinking, "really?" Whatever, who cares.

I didn't go to bed until about 4:30am and I'm exhausted today. The anticipation of getting the question "Am I moving to NY or not?" answered is killing me. Hopefully I'll know by the end of this week!!!!!!!

Party Photos

I thank my friend, Sarah Rose, for these pictures. I'm always too distracted to take pictures when I'm hosting a party. So I handed the camera to her and I must say...she met so many people being the drunk party photographer. I was the only person she knew when she got there but by the end of the party she was BFF with everyone there! I highly recommend that method of meeting random people.

Here's a picture of me waiting to go to the bathroom. Whoever the hell was in there was taking forEVER. I was like, "Please don't let the toilet be clogged. Please oh please."

Me and my buddy, Kurt.




Me, Fuf (foof - nickname, long story) & Mary Beth (they're dating and are the nicest people)




Me & Hot Actor Boy Jeffrey




Aaaaand my personal favorite: Random Guy On My Bed

Good times....Gooooooood tiiiiiimes..................

Can't wait until the next one.