Joe moment #1

The Tuesday after the Mets game weekend there was a screening of a movie that one of the Producers on our show had Directed. Some Toronto Film Festival people were attending and he needed us to fill the seats and laugh with all our might.

I had been awake since about 5am that morning. We shot all morning at Wal-Mart and it was stressful for the crew, but not for me because my boss was there that morning which meant I didn't have much to do except play cat and mouse in my mind with Joe. I had fun walking in the different aisles wondering if he'd be there. Then I'd find him and my heart would jump. As I'd pass him and say, "Hello" and find some way to physically touch him whether it be his arm or chest. The sexual tension was building.

When nearing the end of the shoot he asked me (with a little nervous energy) if I'd like to write something with him. I said yes and he looked so satisfied, bent his head down and said, "Awesome." I know what writing means to him and was so honored that he asked me. After not being able to talk with him all day and then letting doubt start to creep into my mind about how he feels about me...to be asked that question was such sweet relief and validation. I'm not imagining all of this.

After Wal-mart I went to editing with my boss and by the end of the day I was beat but knew Joe would be at the screening so I made myself go. The thought of hanging out with him that night infused me with the second wind I so badly needed.

I showed up at the screening before him. Soon after he walks in wearing my favorite outfit a man can wear. A crisp, white, button-down collared shirt, dark jacket, good pair of jeans and stylin' sneakers (bright orange Pumas in this case). He looks so damn hot I could hardly contain myself. But I had to because I didn't want my boss - who was sitting next to me - to know that I was involved with someone on set. I would be mortified if he ever thought I was compromising my job to essentially hang out with "a boy".

When everyone was finding their seats for the screening I made sure to hold back so that I could find two empty seats for Joe and I. And perfectly, two seats in the back were pretty much all that were left. It was as if everyone there read my mind and said, "We got yer back, Stace. No worries."

Without saying anything to Joe, I sat down and then felt him notice the empty seat next to me and come to claim it. Perfect.

The movie started and it wasn't that funny. But I fulfilled my duties and laughed in all the right places and then some, but found it hard to concentrate because I kept finding myself overwhelmed by the physical chemistry pulling me towards Joe's seat. It's as if there was a rubberband wrapped around the two of us but it's way too tight and I kept pushing myself away from him so that I'm centered in my seat. But then...a couple minutes later...and I'd lean his way again.

He took out his cell phone and typed a text message to show me. "I'm dying right now" it said. My heart jumped. I took a deep breath. Looked into his eyes and mouthed, "Me too."

He leaned over to me - apparently having problems with the tiny rubberband as well - and whispered in my ear "There are 10,000 things I'd rather be doing right now and they're all with you." I let my head dip and fall into him for a brief moment to allow the heart-pumping wave of breathlessness wash over me. I pulled away and looked at him. I didn't say anything. We just stared at each other - the light from the film illuminating our faces. His eyes. I can't stop looking at his eyes. When he looks at me I feel like the most interesting person in the world. The only person.

The movie droned on. It's didn't get any better, but like a good soldier I kept laughing. So did Joe. I think he actually enjoyed the film. Good for him. I felt his arm sliding down his chair's armrest. His hand approached mine. I closed my eyes and waited for contact. His hand barely grazed my pinky and my heart skiped a beat. He noticed and said, "Sorry." He knows he's driving me mad.

That was the longest movie in the history of filmmaking.

After it was finally over next up was a screening at another place of Joe's short film for his cast and crew. He had invited me to come. Originally, his girlfriend was going to be there so I wasn't going to go. I didn't want a face to match the name. I need her to not be "real" in my mind. But she changed her mind and didn't go so I lucked out.

I was so happy that I got to share that experience with him. He was so nervous and excited. He's so incredibly passionate - it thrills me.

We arrived at the Spoke Club and it's one of the greatest places I've ever been. You could feel the history there. We all went downstairs for the screening and I found myself in a familiar place - not knowing how to act. Everyone there knows he has a girlfriend so my instinct is to act like I'm just a friend so I go to sit in a different row than him, but he says, "Where do you think you're going. Get up here!" and motions for me to sit right next to him in the front row. Again, when doubt creeps into my brain - he validates.

He grabed my hand and put it on his heart so I could feel it beating out of his chest. I felt it and said, "It's gonna be great. They're gonna love it." And of course they did.

Afterwards, everyone went back upstairs for more cocktails and moviechat. I talked with Joe's cousin, Sean, who is less than thrilling to speak with. He thinks I look like a young Sally Field. I prefer Joe's Diane Lane reference. I finally get to talk with someone else - Stu - the editor of the film. What a cool guy. What I love about Toronto is that it has plenty of people that are in the Entertainment business but they're real people. So refreshing.

The few late-nighters go to another bar - I of course go as well because that means more time with Joe. Once there, I sat down next to him in at the table and proceeded to have the single most satisfying conversation I've ever had with a man. At this point we were so in awe of each other and how strongly we felt already. He was so open and honest that it melted away any fears I had and I was able to tell him exactly what I was thinking. He said he was looking for me in the different aisles at Wal-mart that day. I laughed and said I was doing the same thing.

He said that I was so beautiful. How - after having gotten up at 5am, thrown my hair into a clip and put on a t-shirt and jeans - he could possibly see what he was seeing was beyond me. I've never felt so worthy in my entire life. He said that he wanted to come to NY with me. I said I wanted him to come. We were both so excited to finally have this dialogue and let the other know what we were thinking!

He came back to my place but it was a work night so he couldn't spend the night. We attacked each other the moment the elevator doors closed. It seemed to arrive at the 20th floor in about 3 seconds flat. We made it around the corner to my apartment and once inside we consumed each other. I couldn't kiss him hard enough...soft enough.

He grabed my face in his hands - which made me feel so safe - he looked me in the eyes and said, "I love you."

I immediately pulled back and shook my head no. All I was thinking was "this amazing guy can't possibly feel that way about me...already." I was scared of the intensity and kept shaking my head and he said, "Yes, Stacey, take it in. Do with it what you want. I love you."

I can't do anything but kiss him more. I've never kissed someone so passionately in my life.

Eventually we rip ourselves off of each other and he slips out the door.

And then I had to go to bed and get up 5 hours later to go to work.