So sad...

Toronto Joe and I finally decided to stop pretending that we have a shot at "us" in the immediate future and instead are just going to "keep our doors open to one another."

I've been crying for 2 days straight. Meanwhile, I'm assisting this writer part-time and I'm supposed to care about picking up his socks at some store and what salad dressing he likes.

WHY is it that I FINALLLLLY meet an amazing guy that loves me and I love him and all we're asking for is to be together and it can't happen? FUCK ME!!!

He was going to come to NY to visit me right after Thanksgiving and then we were going to hit Miami because his short film is in the festival there, but he can't do either trip now because of money. He doesn't have any. And neither do I. And even if I get a job that pays a lot I still can't see him in December because he'll be working so much at his freakin' valet job to make money that he can't take time off. Only to see his family the week of Christmas and I'll be seeing mine in Atlanta that week.

I guess it's not the end of the world to know that there's an amazing man out there that cares about me and maybe one day when things get better for him we can try it again. But I'm still so goddamn sad right now. My heart literally hurts right now. I think I'm about to have an anxiety attack. I need meds...

I have an interview tomorrow for a job. If I don't get it I'm going to go down a dangerous bad mental path. It's the ONLY specific job that I've heard about since I moved here that I want. I'm perfectly qualified for the job and have two major "in's" as well so the odds are in my favor. Please let THIS go right this week. I need this....