I'm Done

I just had dinner with Dave and.....I'm done. He's the one. I'm in love with him. Signed, sealed, delivered. He's it.

It's nothing specific that I can site, but just an overall feeling. An accumulation of everything he represents. I want to be with him all the time and when I'm not I'm counting the minutes until I will see him again. I just got home and I'm doing it already. Won't see him again until Friday night and I can't wait.

And now I'm freaked out. What if he doesn't feel the same way? That's my initial freakout moment, but I'm good at calming myself the fuck down and realizing that all I can do is be myself and hope that's enough. He might not be at the same place but hopefully he will be someday.

I made sure to mention tonight that it bothered me that he was self-deprecating this past Sunday night when I said I was really excited about us and he said something like, "Eh, be careful. This is me you're talking about."

I said that I wanted to make sure he knew that I thought he's wonderful. That he's great. And he acted like he didn't remember it going down exactly like that (defense mechanism) and accepted my compliment and said that he thinks I'm great as well.

I'm just glowing....

Weekend update 3/12

I can't believe it's March 12th, 2007.

But anyway.

Dave, and I are progressing nicely. I'm SO excited about him! We had a really great weekend. Friday night we ate dinner at a tapas place right near my house. Got into more intimate-type conversation. Instead of dismissively saying, "I have a fucked up sibling" or whatever we actually revealed specifics, etc. He looked so good that night. He came home with me and spent the night and we had our coffee/couch talk in the morning. He told me funny stories about this guy he was partnered with when he was steamfitting (laying pipes). He's met the most interesting people...

Saturday night he had to work so I went to a couple of birthday parties. One for Stevie Nix and then one for my roommate's friend at a bar called Lava Gina. Gotta love it.

Sunday Dave and I had a PERFECT day. Went to the Met and wandered around for a couple hours until they closed. He and I have the same taste in art. And of course he worked on the renovation of the Met so he had some cool stuff to tell me about the building. He so damn interesting I sometimes wonder why he's not bored with me yet.

We're good at holding hands and looking at stuff and then separating and going our own way for awhile and then reconnecting. There would be times that we'd be separated and say I was standing there by myself...he would come up behind me and walk by me, grazing me, hand trailing on my butt and then would just keep walking and we wouldn't even look at each other. Then I'd find him later and do it back to him. So hot!

Then he took me to this great Italian restaurant, Baraonda. We feasted because neither of us had eaten all day. Salad, gnocci, sea bass, tirimisu, great wine (he hasn't picked a bad wine yet). More good conversation.

Then he took me to The Campbell Apartment which is the most amazing bar/lounge I've ever seen in my life. It's in Grand Central Station. It was so romantic and you just feel the history sitting there. More good conversation. Tasted some fun cocktails. He came back to my place again and left this morning. He "slept in" until 6am. The boy has to get up so early for work. Crazy.

At The Campbell Apartment he asked me "what do I think of all this?" After a second I realized he was asking what I thought about he and I. I said I think he's amazing and I haven't been this excited about someone in a long time and then he was self-deprecating and said something like, "Nah, be careful. This is me you're talking about." I wish he hadn't done that. Not the time to be self-deprecating. It's the time to take the damn compliment. I was nervous and didn't pick up on it like I should have so I let it go and basically said that I was having a really good time with him and he said the same.

We're in a great place. Really enjoying each other and are taking it as it comes. Not putting pressure on it. It's so easy with him. No games.

My mom asked me today if I had taken my Match.com profile off yet. I hadn't yet but am going to right now. Sign of faith in he and I...

Not this weekend but next weekend we're driving to south Jersey to spend the weekend with all of his friends because they're bottling the latest wine that they've made. He said it's really fun. They make big meals, drink the wine and just hang out and have fun. It sounds great.

Ahhhhhhhh...this feels so good! To be in a healthy, adult relationship for once. They actually exist people!

Belt loop

Had dinner last night with Dave at my new favorite restaurant, Zoe, in Soho. I went there for Thanksgiving with my parents and we loved it. Have been wanting to go back ever since to see what their regular food is like. SO good!

It was a great night. We needed it. Just the two of us. His omnipresent friends......not present.

Good food, good wine, good conversation. We moved to the bar after we finished our long dinner so that we could soak up every minute we had together before he had to go back to work. As we sat next to each other he put his hand around my waist and he tugged at my belt loop and that small gesture sent shivers throughout my body. He just does it for me.

His company is rebuilding the infrastructure of Macy's Herald Square and all the construction guys are working nights since the store's still open during the day so he has to go there to make sure they're on the ball. We were cursing the fact that he had to go to work.

We're going to hang out again tonight but he doesn't have to go back to work.

Sweeeeeet.... [insert emoticon of devil-ish face]

Crappy Picture of Dave

Here's the picture I had to go on in Dave's match.com profile. Can barely tell what he looks like but it's something...

"Dave and Stacey"

Had my 5th date with Dave this weekend. It lasted 24 hours :)

At one point mid-Sunday his friend Pete was on the phone with another of their friends who had asked who he was hanging out with. Pete replied, "It's Chrissy and I and Dave and Stacey." It just hit me that we're already "Dave and Stacey" and that didn't freak me out.

Sat. night we went to dinner with 3 other couples. Met at his friends Aaron & Beth's who have an apartment at Grammercy Park. They're so cute. Married. Have all the perfect Crate & Barrell cheese knifes, wine carafe's, etc. Had a nice cheese/oyster spread for us. Went to dinner at this french restaurant that was annoying/hysterical. Annoying because we had a reservation but apparently that didn't matter. Hysterical because our waiter was high on something and was bouncing around the restaurant yelling strange things. Jumped ON TOP OF OUR TABLE when he was seating us and shouted something inaudible. At least my sea bass was good.

When we were waiting for a table Aaron and Beth were talking Dave up to me. Saying he was one of their favorite people and he's the greatest guy, etc. I love that.

Went to Fanelli's cafe in Soho afterwards after the line at Merck Bar was too long for us. Then he came back to my place. He said, "There's no place I'd rather be right now." Awwwwwwwww........ Then he pinned me against the wall. Yeah, baby!

Sunday morning we sat on the couch and he was telling me a little bit about the different places he's travelled. In the Navy he had to go to Yemen where there was a revolution/coup happening. Crazy stuff. He's so interesting to talk to.

We got brunch at Spotted Pig with Pete & Chrissy and ended up moving to the bar after our meal was done and stayed there from 11am - 5pm. It was really fun. Then we thought it would be a good idea to crash Aaron and Beth's place all buzzed and giggly and hung out there for a little bit and then went back to Pete's apartment to order food and I finally got home around 8:30pm.

He's...just...GREAT! He's strangely perfect for me. He makes me feel wonderful. But he doesn't overdo it. I'm not starving for his affection nor am I wanting him to back off a little. It's like he knows exactly what I need/want. He keeps my ego in check. He finds my quirkiness amusing. He can handle my little sassy comments without getting sensitive. I love that his family and friends are really important to him. He babysits his nephew all the time.

We're at this fun point where we can't stop touching each other whether it's holding hands or him petting my hair or rubbing my back or whatever. If we're hanging out with other people we're both secretly wanting them to leave so we can sneak a kiss or two in. Then when it happens we get caught and made fun of - as we should.

I asked him about his match.com profile that's no longer active and he said he took it off. I asked him how long he was on there and he said a week and a half. He was drunk with friends when he put it up there and I was the only person he emailed and met. Of course my smart ass replied, "Well, you lucked out." His friends were talking about an upcoming trip in July and he said, "If you're still talking to me in July you're coming."

I'm just so excited about him! This is something big for me...

Oh, and Friday night I finally watched "March of the Penguins" despite my extremely irrational fear/hatred of the creatures in the hopes it would cure me.

I didn't. I'm sorry but they're just fuckin' freaky.

Last night

Went to a dinner last night with Dave, his friend Pete (bday boy), Pete's girlfriend, Pete's parents, and another couple. I'm smitten with Dave. He's such a solid guy and he makes me laugh. The more I get to know him the more I like him. Last night he revealed that he and Pete get in fights over politics because Pete doesn't vote and that drives Dave nuts. Dave's the type that makes sure to read the news everyday because he feels it's his responsibility to be an educated voter. Whatever - it's a small thing but all of those small things add up.

He's from New Canaan, CT and was a competitive swimmer when he was younger. He mentioned that he competed in Amsterdam when he was 14 years old but all the other guys were 16-18 years old. Pretty impressive, but he says it like it's not a big deal. Humble. He went to college for a year and decided that it wasn't for him and he'd rather travel around the world with the Navy. So he was in the Navy for 5 years.

We're going to have dinner Saturday night with Pete & his girlfriend and the other couple. I'm at the point now where Saturday seems SO far away and I can't believe I have to wait that long to see him again. [smile]

Weekend Update 2/25

Friday night I rented "Idiocracy" and finally stopped by this BBQ place I pass everyday as I walk home from work and had a really good pulled pork sandwich. The guy was so cool too because my meal was under $15 so I couldn't use a card and I didn't have enough cash. So he said, "Eh, just come back tomorrow and pay." Pretty cool of him. When I went back Saturday to pay he recommended some other good neighborhood restaurants that are cheap but have good food. Love it!

Saturday night I went out with Dave from match.com again. It was his friend Pete's birthday so they had a group going to one of those Medival Times places. I was supposed to meet them at the Port Authority to catch the bus to NJ but I missed it. Long story but I finally made it there.

His friends are great. Really great group of people. Says a lot about Dave. And the Medival Times place was hysterical of course. Then we went to a bar for more drinking...and then to Pete's apartment for...more drinking. The sexual tension between Dave and I was building all night long. I'm SO attracted to him. He's so affectionate. I love it. And the BEST kisser!!! Phew. I hate it when you have to train someone.

So I was drunk and we stayed in Pete's guest room and I had sex with him. I probably shouldn't have but I seriously couldn't help myself. He just knows what he's doing and we're a perrrrfect fit. Feels so good.

I'm on a total high now. He's really great. I love his personality. Great smile. Sparkle in his eye. Motivated. Has his shit together. Makes me laugh. I'm excited :) Which means he probably won't call now. I was embarrassed because I had this freaking HUGE pimple on the side of my mouth. So attractive. I hid it well with makeup but in the morning...notsomuch.

We got breakfast this morning and are supposed to do something this week. He dropped me off and I proceeded to watch about 5 hours of Sex & the City on DVD (thank you, Carrie & Remi) and now I'm watching the Oscars. Laaaazzzzzzy day.

Weekend Update 2/20

Friday night I had a date with Dave from Match.com. He has a really cool personality. Easy to be around and a smart ass. I had fun, but for some reason I couldn't be 100% myself. There were definitely a few times where I said something and it didn't really reflect who I am or what I'm about. And I would laugh to myself. I think he did the same thing too. I hate 1st dates.

Saturday I started to feel sick. Was supposed to have dinner with my friend Amy and some others and I was looking forward to it. I thought I could tough it out but by the time I was at the restaurant my heart was beating double-time, my hands were shaking, I was nauseous and as I ran to the bathroom tears started streaming down my face. I don't know what the hell it was. Earlier in the day I had a headache and was nauseous. Ugh...

So I excused myself and went right back home (luckily it was literally 2 blocks away). Stayed home all day Sunday. It was my roommate's birthday but I was exhausted and I already celebrated it last weekend so I didn't feel bad staying home.

Monday the Dave guy from Friday night texted me to see if I wanted to grab a late lunch. I forgot to mention that he called me Saturday afternoon to say he had fun. Nice move. I hadn't called him back yet because I was sick and just not in the mood to talk. His text said, "I'm playing hard to get. Wanna get a late lunch?" I thought that was funny.

My Treo was dying to I bought a new cell phone. It's SO cool! I ditched the whole PDA thing although this new phone is still pretty swanky, but at least I saved $100. Then I met up with Dave and two of his guy friends ended up joining us. It was so much fun to hang out with 3 guys! I miss that.

Weekend Update 2/12

Friday night was fun but pathetic. It was my roommate's birthday celebration. Went to a bar called Secret (stupid name). Annette is really good at introducing me to people so I met a lot of her friends. Met a straight girl and because I'm Annette's roommate she assumed I was a lesbian. I could tell she really didn't want to talk with me and thought she just must be tired or something. Then she discovered that I'm not gay and lit up and said, "Oh! Hi! Nice to meet you!" It was funny.

I had 4 vodka/tonics and a little orange shooter thing the cute, gay bartender made me. I hadn't eaten that much during the day so I got really drunk. Was dancing with the bartender (always a sign the night needs to end). There was a really hot photographer guy there but I didn't meet him until the end of the night so I'm sure he thought I was annoying.

Annette and I got a slice of pizza and went home. I proceeded to throw up. Lovely. I was literally in bed all day long. Couldn't even drink water until about 3pm. Such an idiot.

My match.com date from Wednesday night texted me to see if I wanted to get a drink but I was too hungover. I managed to make it to my coworker Brian's party in Park Slope though. But not until after 11:30pm. Annette convinced me that I needed to go in case I could meet some cool people. Good point. So I rallied and it was exactly what I thought it would be. I saw the two guys I work with and the host of the party was busy...hosting...and the other one would rather eat his own foot than small talk with me and vice versa.

So I walked into the crowd over literary snobs and just didn't have it in me to try and break my way into one of the cliques. So I sat in a chair and drank a beer and then left.

Sunday morning I bought the Times, a banana and a bagel. Later on I saw "Because I Said So" and it was HORRIBLE!!! God! So damn bad! I was so pissed off sitting there. Then I went to Little Italy to a restaurant for some Chicken Parmesianga. Yummmmm...

Telly Savales Video

This is one of the most disturbing things I've ever seen. Just love that I was born in this decade...

Weekend update

On Friday my friend Eric emailed me and said that he wanted to come crash with me in NY for Super Bowl weekend. His wife was going to be out of town you see and he didn't want to watch it all by himself in Boston. They moved there about a year ago but he doesn't have many friends.

Friday night I had a match.com date that was just eh. And the guy sort of tried to kiss me...or at least have a "moment"...at the end of the date which was out of place given the casual nature and length of the date. I hate when guys try to get a kiss when it's completely inappropriate. He asked me if I'd want to go out again and of course I said yes even though I don't want to.

Eric arrived on Saturday afternoon. We went to Corner Bistro for burgers (so damn good) and had a beer there. Then we went to another bar for awhile and drank some more. We went back to my apartment and I was SO tired and just wanted to go to bed. It was 8pm. Fuck.

And I couldn't bail on him because he's married with an 8 month old kid so this is his weekend to "go crazy." [sighhhhh] Okayyyyyy. So we go to Chumley's and Eric proceeds to annihilate himself. He was talking with everyone in the bar. Forcing them to go check out the shitty jukebox (it was shitty, but still...) and telling them that China sucks. I don't know why China sucks but far be it for me to try and actually get a straight answer out of him when he's on his 12th beer.

Man, China sucks.

Finally, by 1:30am he wants to go home and pass out. He stumbles the one block to my place (thank God we didn't go farther away). I tuck him in to the couch and go to my bed. He comes in there and I get out of the bed and say, "Eric, what are you doing?" and he crashes in the middle of my bed.

Asshole.

So I slept on the couch.

Sunday we go get brunch at one of my favorite places, The Cupping Room, in Soho and then met up with our friend Boob/Mischievious Boy (all of my LA friends have weird nicknames). We met him in LA but now he lives back in NY.

Eric had two bloody mary's at brunch and then drank some beers at this bar. We get a cab to go back to my place to shower before the Super Bowl and in the cab he just all of a sudden pukes. We were stopped at a light and he tried to open the door but still got some of it on the cab door.

Eric and the cab driver proceed to have a screaming match in the middle of the street. I could tell Eric was trying to get the guy to hit him by the way he was yelling at him. I was standing there like a helpless little lamb. The cab driver finally agreed to take $40.

My favorite part is that about 5 minutes into it a woman in an SUV decides it's a good idea to roll her window down and say to the two, big, screaming men, "This is a really bad intersection...you're clogging traffic."

No shit, lady.

Eric and I went to the sports bar by my place to watch the game. Immature Notre Dame boy, Dan, was there with a couple of his friends. My roommate came with a girl she's dating and a couple of their friends which was fun. Eric drank more at the bar. I was amazed. I could never puke and then keep drinking. Ugh. Good for him though.

Dan and I talked some. It was good. And he only hit on me a couple of times so we're getting better. At the end of the night he didn't even hug me and said, "Good luck."

"Good luck?"

Gee, thanks. Guess that means I won't be hanging out with you guys anytime soon.

Last weekend/This weekend

Last weekend I went to a sketch comedy show at PIT but it wasn't very good. Was supposed to join everyone for dinner afterwards but it would've been about $60 (for BBQ no less) and I just didn't feel like spending the money. So I got takeout instead. One of the best inventions ever.

Saturday I saw "Pursuit of Happyness" and it was just okay. I totally want to buy a rubic's cube now.

I bought a bottle of wine. Had a couple glasses at home, watched "Save the Last Dance" for the 27th time and then went outside and stalked a couple bars to see if any cute guys were inside. Finally settled on one that I've had luck at before and sat down next to two cute guys. Ordered my beer and then saw they were both wearing wedding rings.

Perfect.

So I downed my beer...left...bought ice cream and went home and watched the end of "Titanic" and at the entire pint.

The cute 27-year old I had met a couple weeks ago emailed me on Friday and asked what I was up to. I told him I had plans Friday night but was free the rest of the weekend......and I never heard from him.

Anyway...Sunday I went to MoMA to see the Manet exhibit about the execution of Maximillian. It was really interesting. Then I went to the International Center of Photography to see a Henri Cartier-Bresson exhibit which was great. I love this city...

Monday Matt (cute 27-year old) emailed me and FINALLY asked me out for this weekend. Said he'd be in touch later in the week to pick a night. And here it is Friday-eve and I haven't heard from him. So I booked a date for tomorrow night and I have another guy waiting for Saturday night. If he doesn't email me by noon tomorrow then I'm booking Saturday night too. He's gonna have to learn the hard way.

Listen to me. Jesus.

Correction

I just bought a ticket through Fandango to see "Pursuit of Happyness" and it's actually $1.50 service charge not $1.00.

Fuckers.

Bucket of soda anyone? A barrel of popcorn, perhaps?

At the end of my work day today I decided to go to the movies to see "Notes on a Scandal" which was pretty good but that's not the point of this blog entry.

I knew the ins and outs of all my movie theaters in LA and it's been an adventure getting to know the theaters here. Union Square is where you go to see the big budget movies but you MUST buy tickets on Fandango (and spend an extra $1/ticket) ahead of time because anything good is always sold out. THEN you have to get there at LEAST 30 minutes before the movie starts to get in line outside the theater door if you have any hope of landing a seat that's not in the first row all the way to the right.

But what if you want to buy snacks? Oh, you have to get there even 20 minutes EARLIER to stand in THAT line. The smallest soda size you can buy is of course a "small" but it's a 32 OZ. BUCKET OF SODA for $4.25!!!

What the FUCK?!?!

Who wants to drink a bucket of soda and then sit still for 2 hours? I'm scared to see what the large soda looks like. Maybe they took the old large-sized popcorn barrels they don't need anymore (because that size is just to embarassingly small to sell these days) and used those for the large sodas.

Maybe I'll do "Super Size Me Part 2" and live in the Union Square movie theater for 30 days and only live off of what they sell there. I'll record my slow demise as I become glued to the toilet, be perpetually damp from all my tears representing what life with vegetables used to be like...oh, and I'll be homeless on Day 31 because it'd cost a month's rent to afford the "food" there (I just did the math on a calculator).

So for a Union Square flick I've learned that I have to leave my apartment at least 1 1/2 hours before the show starts to have any chance of a happy experience.

Fuckers.

I was hoping the Angelica theater near work would be better. And it is better in that I didn't have to get there early but those bitches tempt you with the widest assortment of beautiful baked goods I've ever seen in my life. Anything you could possibly want. Cookies, brownies, cakes, pies, danishes, bagels, etc. You name it, they got it. And of course for a low, low price.

Since I actually got my ass out of bed at 6:45am this morning and braved the cold to go to the gym I thought it best not to ruin that effort it took to burn 500 calories by eating a lemon bar. Excuse me...a lemon cinder block. It's seriously that big.

So I go downstairs where they have the regular snacks for people that like it old school. All I wanted was a coke and a small popcorn. I thought I had these NY theaters down pat and was prepared for my bucket of soda and barrel of popcorn but not at Angelica theater.

I was pleasantly surprised when the small-sized soda cup was actually pretty small. Excited, I ordered that and a small popcorn. Total was $3.85! No way! Sweet!

Got the cup (gotta fill it myself though - wouldn't want to put out the teenagers flirting behind the register) but no p'corn. Apparently, they didn't hear me. So it was $3.85 for a 12 oz. cup of soda! You've gotta be fucking KIDDING me! At least Union Square gives me a bucket to play with. There I feel like I'm at least getting something for my money. So much potential really. Wanna go fishing for Sour Patch Kids in my bucket of soda?

I hadn't had dinner so I asked for the popcorn and they tried to charge me $4.75 for a bag that would maaaaaybe contain 5 handfuls. I told them to forget it and acted all annoyed. Muttered to myself as I walked away, "I'll just starve I guess."

The point of this longass blog entry is to teach anyone who actually read this entire thing to buy your can of soda, chips and candy at the convenience store BEFOREHAND. I know the theaters make their money off of the snacks but it's totally out of control.

Hmmmm...now I'm thirsty. Where's my bucket?

Weekend Update

My weekend - as usual - wasn't as productive as I originally planned. Friday night I went to a cool bookstore in my neighborhood and bought a Noam Chomsky book and "In Cold Blood" as I've never read either. Then I ate dinner by myself at Doma - a new cafe I like. Then I just went home as I was exhausted. From what - I have no idea. Probably because I can't sleep. This has been going on for way too long. Need to see a doctor about it. But I digress. I turned my phone off just in case I got any late night calls.

Saturday morning I saw that I had a text from the NY Giants boy I met last weekend. He texted me with his apparent catch phrase, "What's the good word?" I saw that he had texted me at 12:39am the night before. Great. He just wants me to be a booty call. No thanks. I texted him back (as one never knows when a booty call can come in handy) but didn't hear from him the rest of the weekend.

I finally made it to the gym and then went to a friend's bday dinner in Queens and then we went to this club called The Pink Elephant. I wasn't in the mood but I didn't want to spoil the bday party so I went along for the ride. Plus, there was a cute Italian guy that came with us that had been eyeing me thoughout the dinner party - truth be told.

The music was so obnoxious. Just really not good. I met a guy from Israel that was a player but still had a sweet side. We had a nice conversation, he complimented me and then we parted ways. That never happened in LA so it's nice to just have conversations with people at bars and they actually listen to what you're saying. It's a whole new world, really.

Thank god the birthday girl was as tired as I was so I only had to stay until about 2:15am. At one point I literally couldn't even see because all of the lights were flicking on and off right in my face. People were smoking inside even though it's illegal now just to see if they can get away with it. Those are the really cool people. Girls dancing on bars and then making out with ugly guys. I just wasn't in the mood.

I slept until 2:30pm on Sunday. Nice. Hence my "less-productive-than-I-planned" weekend. I went to Century 21 and used a gift certificate from my sister to get a casual black purse. Love getting stuff for free! Then I walked to the movies to see "Pan's Labyrinth" and on the way I passed by this art piece that was about 300 dresser drawers this artist gathered in the from the mess after Hurricane Katrina. It was interesting...at least I saw SOME art this weekend. Had planned to go to a museum on Sunday but slept too late.

Went to Whole Foods to buy some groceries which made me so happy. It may sound stupid but I just haven't been myself so far in 2007. Recovering from the whole "Joe" episode I suppose. Just didn't have the energy or compulsion to take care of myself. Didn't want to work out, clean my room, eat right, etc. But now I have my Whole Foods groceries. Got up early this morning and did Pilates. Made myself breakfast. Feel much better!

And now I'm back at work acting like I have something to do - when I don't.

First snow!!!

It snowed a few times this week! So much fun to see snow!!! I know the novelty will wear off quickly when it all turns to black mush but for now it's still exciting.

So the boy I met Saturday night (the cute one that I like) didn't get in touch with me this week. I read a NY Times article about the NY Giants and how they have a new General Manager so I took it upon myself to use that as an excuse to email him. He emailed right back. I replied...and haven't heard back. I was hoping he'd ask me out for this weekend, but oh well.

Then the guy I hung out with this past Monday night - that I met on The Onion - of course called me on Wednesday to ask me out for this Sunday. He remembered that I wanted to go to some museums and thought I might want to go. So I emailed him back and said that I'm all booked this weekend.

He's literally so nice that's it's unsettling. I swear. I can't deal with people that aren't sarcastic at ALL or at least a little bitter...or something. He's just so smiley and nice. I can't handle it.

I bought two books tonight. Noam Chomsky's "Hegemony or Survival" and Capote's "In Cold Blood." I was embarrassed at work when someone made the statement, "Well, I just assume that everyone that's gone to college has read Chomsky." I had only heard the name but couldn't hold a conversation about him. After doing some research I was SO mortified that I didn't know more about this guy. Stupid college education. So I bought one of his books. And I've just never read "In Cold Blood" so I thought I'd give it a go.

Found a great coffee shop near my apartment - Doma. It has really good food and a great feel to it. I love my little cafes in my neighborhood. I love this city...

I've only been in my apartment for 4 months now (not even) and I'm so ready to live on my own. I have a roommate that could not be more perfect but everytime I hear her keys opening the lock I roll my eyes and sigh. I just want to be by myself when I get home! I want to unwind with wine and something fattening to eat and watch TV - by myself. The only other person I'd want to live with is my roommate from LA, Sarah, but she's still in LA. I'm not going to move anytime soon though. I have to see how my job's going to pan out.

My job is so boring I want to scratch my eyes out. I'm working on a website and it was supposed to launch in January but now it probably won't be until about mid-March. Which means I'll have nothing creative to do - and not much at ALL to do - until then. So two more months of bullshit logistical work.

I'm lucky to have a job and be living in NY, but I've never been one to settle. I'm going to stick it out through the launch and then some to really give it a solid chance. Fingers crossed things change.

Boy adventure this weekend

I had a great weekend.

Went to see "Freedom Writers" on Saturday afternoon which was better than I expected (I wasn't expecting much). Then I was in the mood to meet new boys. So I thought I'd go to Daddy-O's and check it out. I walk in and the only bar stool available was between two different couples on dates. I was like, "uh uh." So I went to Village Tavern next door instead. It was perfect. The NY Giants game was just beginning. I found an empty bar stool right smack in the middle of two groups of men. They were all hitting on me - it was fun. I ended up leaving there with two boys and we went to Joe's pizza for a slice. It was obvious I was getting along with one better than the other - so the other left and the guy that remained - Matt - and I went for one more drink. He's SO cute! We decided to call it a night so he gave me his business card and I left (he negotiates contracts for NY Giants players - very cool). Went straight back to Joe's pizza for another slice (so drunk) and I decide it'd be a good idea to text this cute boy I just met with a message reading, "I'm back at Joe's pizza eating again. Is that bad? This is Stacey..." Lord. So he immediately calls me and says that he can't get a cab and asks if I want to keep hanging out.

So cute. Turns out he was glad I texted him because he thought he fucked it up by not getting my number. So there you go. It's a good thing to be a pig and share that part of yourself with a boy you just met. Who knew? He meets me at the pizza place, eats my crust, and we go to Daddy-O's and now I'M one of the couples there. Haha. We were there until after 4am. I felt bad because I made him buy a drink because my friend said it's really good and we were both like, "Ugh..." It was gross. Whiskey.

We got a little kissy at the end of the night. Then Sunday he texted me saying he had fun (except for the disgusting drink) and I apologized for making him buy it and he said "it was worth it." He's so adorable. AND 27 YEARS OLD. I swear. He said a couple times though, "I swear I'm more mature than a normal 27-year old." We'll see...

On Monday I saw "For Your Consideration". Funny but sad because the characters' desperation is barely exaggerated. Then I met up with my first date from The Onion. He's cute, smart, easy going, such a gentleman, etc. but I'm not attracted to him. Plus, he walked me to my subway station after dinner and he's crippled or something. I entered the restaurant first at the beginning of the date so I didn't see him actually walk. I didn't ask him about it but felt like it was obvious I wasn't asking him about it. Oi. He left me a voicemail tonight asking me to go to a museum this weekend. Of course he calls and the other guy doesn't. I'll go out with him again and hope that he'll be cool with being friends. I have a feeling he has a really great group of friends that I could wiggle my way into.

This weekend was SO what I needed after all this Joe drama/tears. I just emailed Matt because I read in the NY Times today that they have a new general manager and he's black so it's a big deal. I hope he emails back...

The End Of Toronto Joe - Part 2

The next day we're hungover and lay in bed for way too long. But not in the way that I was envisioning where we were snuggling and trying to be with each other as much as possible physically since we wouldn't know when we'd see each other again.

It was more me staring at his back. He reached over to me a couple times but it just wasn't what I pictured. The reality was really starting to not live up to the fantasy. We finally motivate to get food. Conversation is very one-sided (my side).

We decide to head to his hometown for New Year's Eve. The parties in Toronto don't sound fun enough and we'd rather spend the evening with his family and close friends. So we take a train to Welland, ON. I was SO excited about this for two reasons. First, a few months earlier Joe had sent me the most romantic email I'd ever received. It was his vision of what it would be like for him to take a train from Toronto to NY to come and visit me. Second, we had talked/dreamed before about the future possibility of me meeting his family and seeing his hometown and experiencing all that entails. And now it was finally happening!

He was so distant though. It was like I wasn't even there. He just stared out the window of the train the entire 1 1/2 hour ride. I would lean my head on his shoulder and he wouldn't respond in kind. I would ask, "Is this bothering you?" and he'd say, "No" but wouldn't touch my arm or anything to physically say "It's not bothering me."

He had told me before about how much he hated high school. I noticed several slash mark-type scars on his wrist and asked him about it. He said, "Knife marks. I really hated high school." So I hugged him and he didn't hug back. Just sat there.

At first I was surprised by his distance and then frustrated. I didn't understand. I figured he was just so consumed with his poor financial status and the fact that he hasn't made it as a writer/actor/director yet that it was overwhelming him and he couldn't "be" with me. It was pissing me off. I wanted to shake him and say, "I'm HERE! Pay attention to me."

We got off the train and his brother wasn't there yet to pick us up. I tried to ask him if he was alright and he acted like he was totally fine and then looked at me as if something was wrong with me. That frustrated me more.

His brother is an amazing person. So funny and sweet and just as passionate as Joe. We had a great NYE night. It was his brother Kyle, sister Julie, her boyfriend and two friends of theirs. So just 7 of us sitting at their kitchen table in this tiny town called Welland - drinking, laughing and listening to music. No fuss, no muss.

Another reason I was excited to be with Joe for that holiday is that I had never had a true NYE kiss. It was always friends. Never had a boyfriend. So here I am. I'm finally in a relationship and the guy is hardly paying attention to me. So disappointing.

At one point we went around the table and shared what we were thankful for that year and Joe said, "The ONLY thing I'm thankful for this year is my family for helping me get through the Alena situation." Meanwhile, I'm standing right there. This girl that he met that year and said "I love you" to on several occassions. Me - he's not thankful for. I felt so rejected and humiliated.

But still - when it was my turn I said I was thankful for meeting Joe and being able to share my NYE with all of them.

We all get drunk. His parents come home from their party in Niagara Falls. They're so so wonderful. So laid back and caring and fun to be around and non-judgemental. Full of heart. Really great people. They made me feel so welcome. Much more than Joe did.

Everyone's going to bed. Joe whispers in my ear, "I'm going to smoke. Get upstairs and I'll meet you there." I was so desperate for his attention that I was excited at that comment. So I go upstairs, get undressed except for my sexy underwear that I had of course planned to wear that night about 2 weeks prior. He comes in, gets hard....and passes out. I was so pissed. Plus, he passes out in the middle of the bed so I hardly have any room and am a little squished against the wall. I try to push him over and he says, "Relax, we'll do it in the morning."

Gee.....can we? Would I be so lucky? Fuck off! I was so mad at this point.

BUT - in the morning I thought, "This is the last time we're going to have to lie in bed with each other" because I was going to the airport that afternoon. Joe didn't want to have anything to do with me. Sure he kissed me and all but it was only because I was initiating it - and lying on top of him.

He cooked me french toast for breakfast. I hung out with his family. We all had a great time talking. He and his brother gave me a tour of his hometown. I had dreamed of seeing all of the places he had told me about. His high school, places he had worked, etc. But it all seemed so empty because he just wasn't "there."

I said goodbye to his family and we had a long drive to the airport in Toronto. At least an hour drive. I so desperately wanted to ask him what the hell was going on but I didn't. I didn't want to cry in front of him and I knew I would if I brought it up. Instead I continued lavishing him with attention. It was pathetic at this point. I said, "You don't seem as affectionate as you used to be." He just said, "Huh. Really?" Fucker...

He walked me into the airport and stood in line with me. When we had to say goodbye I told him - with hesitation - that I loved him. I said he didn't have to say it back but it was just something that I had been wanting to say to his face for so long. He looked a little taken aback and said, "Luv you too, Stace." But he could've been saying that to a bowl of soup. There was nothing behind it.

I wanted to break down and cry but held it together.

I had to wait at the airport for 5 hours due to delayed flights. It was miserable. I just wanted to get back to NY so I could be in my bed and cry it out.

The day after I got back I emailed him a WAY too complimentary email stating all the reasons I loved him. Since he had asked me the first night I was there and I never got a chance to tell him. I also touched on the fact that he was distant when I was in Toronto.

He didn't reply for a week "due to a computer virus" but when he did he he said that he had never received an email of that magnitude but felt like he needed to tell me that he doesn't think we're meant to be. He was feeling overwhelmed and guilty when I was in Toronto because he could tell, see and feel how I was feeling and he wasn't feeling as strongly and just can't right now since he's still reeling from breaking up with his ex. He doesn't know when or if he'll be ready.

Then he said how great I am and hoped we could be friends.

I immediately replied saying that I felt he should've called me and said that - not emailed me but that it was okay and generally tried to make HIM feel better. That's just my nature.

After absorbing the email for a couple of days and talking with my mom and some friends about it I was so pissed off. Why the FUCK didn't he tell me this stuff BEFORE I came to visit??? He had said, "Luv you too" in a text message a few weeks before the trip so how was I supposed to know what he was feeling? He has no balls. I emailed him an angry email telling him off and I felt so much better.

That was over a week ago and I haven't heard from him thus proving the "he has no balls" theory. A friend of mine said that in her experience men with no money = men with no balls and I have to say that makes sense. Men with money at least have the power that comes along with that and have it to fall back on. It's an ego thing.

I hope Joe and I can be friends. He really is an amazing person. I don't just fall for anyone. But he's just too immature. And broke. And lives in Toronto. And isn't right for me. But I don't regret any of this because I had the time of my life this summer with him and I learned HUGE lessons for myself from this experience.

Now I'm finally moving on....thank God I DID visit him because if I hadn't then the fantasy could've gone on much longer (due to his lack of balls) and it just wasn't healthy.

The End Of Toronto Joe - Part 1

There are only a few times I can recall in my life when I was as excited as I was to visit Joe in Toronto for New Year's Eve 2006. This trip was 6 months in the making. We had both talked about it, dreamed about it and it was finally here.

I spent way too much time packing. Trying to envision different scenarios. One requires this type of necklace, this type of underwear, whatever.

I got to the airport and the flight was delayed. Of course. Why does that always happen when you're dying to get somewhere? Finally, we board the plane and then I was nervous, "What if the plane goes down and I don't get to see him?" This thought literally went though my mind. What am I on...crack?

I finally get there and he has a limo pick me up. So sweet! I'm grinning from ear to ear the whole ride to his apartment. I had envisioned the moment when I'd get to see him again a million times and it finally arrived and it...didn't live up to the fantasy of course. We kissed on the cheek and hugged but had to get my luggage out of the trunk and get to his apartment because it was cold outside.

I was a little nervous and I think he was too. I could tell he had already had a drink or two. We sat in his living room and had small talk conversation for awhile. After about 15 minutes he went to refill his drink and asked if I wanted anything. I said, "Well, you haven't even kissed me yet so a kiss would be nice." We kissed and it tasted like alcohol and cigarettes. But was still nice because I'm so attracted to him.

We continue talking for awhile, formulate a plan for the evening and decide to "take a nap." That lasted about 5 seconds and we had sex. It wasn't romantic at all. Just mechanical-I-haven't-seen-you-in-six-months-get-your-ass-over-here sex. We layed there for a little while and then freshened up for dinner.

A friend of his got us reservations at a great spot. Live jazz music and amaaaaaazing food. We had to wait for a really long time for our table but I was in no hurry. We were both smiling so big. So happy to see each other. When we were sitting at our table he made one of his "Joe" comments, "My mouth hurts from smiling so much!" I love how honest he is sometimes. We grabbed each other's hands across the table. I had envisioned that moment happening exactly like that. We chatted up the couple at the table next to us. We had a really great time talking with them. Joe told them about the bar we were going to visit after dinner called Resevoir that has great jazz music. Told them they should go.

We got to resevoir ourselves and see the couple there. Joe can charm/excite anyone on any idea. He and I are getting more and more drunk. We meet up with some friends of his that he works with at the hotel where he valets cars.

Joe gets into his drunk/self-deprecating/intensely complimentary mode. Tells me I'm beautiful every 5 minutes. And every time he says it I feel like he's never said it to another woman. Then he asks, "What could you possibly see in me?" and other versions of that question a few more times. He asked me in the cab as well. I didn't want to talk about it in the cab.

His friends came back to his apartment. We partied some more. Finally they left and Joe and I had sex. He likes it a little rough which excites me.

All in all - a good first day/night.

Not bad. Not bad at all.....

Life is good. I moved to NYC and within 3 months managed to build a new life. I live in the West Village. Rent-controlled, month-to-month apartment. Great roommate. Landed an amazing job as an Associate Editor at a new satirical news website that's going to launch early '07. I get to work in comedy. I can walk to work. I have benefits. And not just medical/dentail I'm talkin' BENEFITS. Like discounted movie tickets, gym memberships, flexible spending account, etc. It doesn't get any better than this.

I'm going to Toronto for New Year's to see Joe. I have a feeling it'll be really fucking great (pun intended) and then really fucking sad (no pun there...just really like using the "f" word). He just told me that he's missed the deadline to submit a script to Bravo Fact. They give money to short film makers. So he's going to have to raise the money himself. Which means he won't have money to come see me in NY anytime soon. Life's just goddamn getting in the way so I'm going to let go of the possibility that we'll be together anytime soon and just keep him in my life with the slight hope that'll change down the road.

Enough about me...did anyone see this article?

http://www.breitbart.com/news/2006/12/18/D8M3DS680.html

Jesus people...you think they wouldn't have found out eventually?

Thanksgiving

I had a good Thanksgiving. My parents flew up from Atlanta to visit me. My younger sister lives in Pompano Beach, FL with her fiance and was spending the holiday with his family down there. My parents knew that I didn't have the money to fly home for both T'day and Christmas so they flew up here. So nice of them.

I was bummed though because the main thing I wanted to do was show them around the Village but it was freezing and rainy the two days we could've done that. So we sat around my apartment a lot more than I was anticipating and I had nothing to eat or drink for them (note to self: must be a better hostess).

Luckily, the restaurant we chose for our Turkey feast was WONDERFUL!!! From the beginner cocktails and bread all the way through to dessert and tea was really, really good. I was feeling the pressure because usually we have T'day with all our extended family and tons of great food. I was SO happy this worked out. The parents were beyond satisfied. Yay!

Friday was fun. We went shopping and my dad was his wonderful patient self...sitting on the "man couch" in each store as my mom and I fought off the other bitches trying to get all the good stuff at the "day after Thanksgiving" sales. I emerged with a great dress from H&M and quite a few other things. Woo hoo!

Then we went window shopping at all of the major department stores on 5th Avenue. Bergdorf Goodman's had the BEST windows! They were truly spectacular. My mom and I were just in awe. Then we wandered the city trying to find a good restaurant and stumbed upon a place that's apparently a great classic restaurant ($$$). My dad was great though. Our vacation motto of "Nothing's too good for a Bunch" was in full force. After dinner we saw Martin Short's Broadway show "Fame Becomes Me" and it was actually hilarious. I like Martin Short alright but I'm not a HUGE fan. But I really enjoyed his show. The 4th row seats didn't hurt. Go Dad! He somehow scored those through his Holiday Inn concierge. Haha....

They left today :( Then tonight I went out with my former LA roommate and some other folks. I was hoping for a big night out but they all had to leave before midnight. I was reeeeeeally in the mood to go all out so I texted the dumb Notre Dame guy to see if he was around because he lives about 2 blocks from where we were hanging out. He said he was in Indianapolis for T'day but was sorry he missed me. He better be. Fucker. (For more info on him read the blog entitled "Didn't even take a week")

Today was the day Joe was supposed to come to NY to visit me. It's been tough but I resisted texting him or leaving him a drunk voicemail. I'll talk to him next week because I'm hopefully finding out about the website job. Also, he's finding out on Friday whether his film got into Sundance or not. So I know we'll talk then.

All 3 of you that read this blog...please keep your fingers crossed that I get this job. I interviewed last Tuesday for it and according to the editor I'm supposed to find out "as soon as possible after Thanksgiving" whether or not I got it. Over 250 people applied and they're only hiring 2 people for this position. I know I'm up there in their consideration but have no idea if I actually got it or not.

GOD - I hope I got this job.

I'm so excited it's the holidays!!! The decorations are starting to go up all over the city and they put a huge smile on my face. Christmas is my favorite holiday! And I LOVE that I'm finally in NY and can have a real Christmas for once. Not an LA-it's-75-degrees-and-the-only-trees-are-palm-trees Christmas.

'Tis the season to be jolly.......

So sad...

Toronto Joe and I finally decided to stop pretending that we have a shot at "us" in the immediate future and instead are just going to "keep our doors open to one another."

I've been crying for 2 days straight. Meanwhile, I'm assisting this writer part-time and I'm supposed to care about picking up his socks at some store and what salad dressing he likes.

WHY is it that I FINALLLLLY meet an amazing guy that loves me and I love him and all we're asking for is to be together and it can't happen? FUCK ME!!!

He was going to come to NY to visit me right after Thanksgiving and then we were going to hit Miami because his short film is in the festival there, but he can't do either trip now because of money. He doesn't have any. And neither do I. And even if I get a job that pays a lot I still can't see him in December because he'll be working so much at his freakin' valet job to make money that he can't take time off. Only to see his family the week of Christmas and I'll be seeing mine in Atlanta that week.

I guess it's not the end of the world to know that there's an amazing man out there that cares about me and maybe one day when things get better for him we can try it again. But I'm still so goddamn sad right now. My heart literally hurts right now. I think I'm about to have an anxiety attack. I need meds...

I have an interview tomorrow for a job. If I don't get it I'm going to go down a dangerous bad mental path. It's the ONLY specific job that I've heard about since I moved here that I want. I'm perfectly qualified for the job and have two major "in's" as well so the odds are in my favor. Please let THIS go right this week. I need this....

I Hate Men

So my other guy...Toronto Joe...is pissing me off.

I hadn't heard from him in a long time so I text him "Are you on email yet?" You see, the boy doesn't have internet access which makes it a liiiiiiittle difficult to communicate long distance. He doesn't text me back but instead calls me at 3-fuckin-am and leaves a message. Very sweet message actually [snap out of it]...but that's not the point! Also, in his message he tells me to call him at 1pm the next day. WHY didn't he just wait until THEN to call ME???!!!

I'm having a REALLY hard time sleeping lately due to the stress of being unemployed, moving to a new city, etc. I was just about to nod off when he called. So listening to his message got my brain going again and I swear I must have been up until 5am that night/morning.

I was pissed. I text him the next day letting him have it. He finally texted me back later that afternoon saying he didn't mean to piss me off. I sent him a couple of texts explaining that I was frustrated with him and our situation. He had asked me to "hang in there" but I don't know what I'm hanging in there for. It seems like he has too much going on, just got out of a relationship and a long distance thing is the last thing he needs. I said, "Please tell me if I'm wrong. I'd love to be."

He text back "You're not wrong but it's way more complicated between you and I." Then he said he was slammed at work (valet) and could he call me that night or tomorrow.

That was on Friday and I haven't heard from him. It's Monday. I broke down last night and text him saying that he could call me at 3am if that's the only time he can call because unfortunately I'm consistently up until that late now. I'm withering away to nothing with this lack of sleep but there seems to be nothing that I can do about it.

I'm so over men and their shit.

Didn't even take a week...

So the subject of my blog entry entitled, "Argh..." has already fucked it up. Didn't even take a week.

We had talked a lot about Halloween and how we both really like dressing up for the holiday. I helped him think of ideas for costumes, etc. So the day comes and I haven't heard from him so I text him at around 2:30pm asking if he's heard of any parties.

Nothing.

About 8:30pm rolls around and I text him again saying that I had heard from my friend Amy and she wasn't going out. Was he going out and had he thought of a costume.

Nothing.

About 9:30pm I finally get a text saying he had been napping and "might head to a bar."

Okayyyyyy.

So I text back saying that if he does to let me know because I need time to prepare my costume. Asked him if he had a costume and he replied, "Yes. In costume."

So I'm assuming since the boy has a costume he's going to go out and use it. I text him back a flirty line like "You're not gonna tell me what it is?"

I never heard back from him the rest of the night.

I had my costume all laid out on my bed. I was ready to go at a moment's notice. Just needed the text saying what bar to go to. I sat on the couch watching "7 Minutes in Heaven" (AWESOME 80's movie) and after two hours I realized that he was never going to text me to tell me where he was going. By that time I was so tired that I didn't have the energy to go out. My costume is a hugely energized character and it takes a lot to pull it off right.

The only way in "guyland" that he can get away with this is by saying that he didn't go out and I said "let me know IF you go out" but even that doesn't fly.

Just treat me with respect. And if you don't want me to go out with you then just say it's a "guy's night out" or LIE and say that you're not going out. SOMETHING for fuck's sake!

Cool couple of nights...

Tuesday night I hung out with a Broadway actress that was in the last pilot I worked on with Paul. She's so sweet. She invited a friend of hers - also an actress - to join us. It was nice to sit on a couch in a cool bar, drink wine and chat with two cool chicks. She'll be a nice person to call every once in awhile. She's married but she still goes out.

Then last night I hung out with a jazz drummer. He's a very sweet guy. We went to dinner and then to Zinc - a bar that often has jazz performers. I had never seen jazz live. I've always been a little intimidated by it because I didn't think I'd "get it." Apparently, it was a historical night because there were 6 guys playing - 3 different sets of brothers - who are all big up and comers in the jazz world. Then jazz legend - Roy Haynes - walked in and sat down right next to me. I didn't know who he was but my friend said, "He's the Cary Grant of Jazz. He's Jazz Royalty." I was so excited to be sitting next to him. Roy B---- what was his name again?

It was such a cool evening. What I always pictured a NY night of watching jazzzzzzz to be. I kept thinking of the "Sex & the City" episode where Carrie dates the hot jazz guy. Unfortunately my friend was sweet, but Craig Bierko he is not.

I had an interview yesterday that was so disappointing. It was with a huge advertising agency and I thought they were calling me in because they saw my resume (which has NO advertising experience on it) and thought I'd be good for a position there. But instead I walk in and the woman stares at me and asks "Sooo, why advertising?" My mind went blank as I thought, "Well, you called me in here so I'd like to ask you the same question."

I fumbled and gave the best answer I could and in the end she was helpful I suppose but it was essentially a waste of my time and hers. Embarrassing. She only called me in because she did a commercial 11 years ago with my former boss.

At least I'm finally going to get unemployment checks. $450/week! I'm FLABERGASTED that they pay you that much to not work. I think I'll go to a museum today...............

Argh...

I sent an email to the guy I cried in front of to explain why it happened. I just didn't want him thinking I'm a nutcase. I sent a short email telling him he didn't even need to reply but I needed to explain and that I was sorry for making him feel like shit (which I did).

So he calls me at 9:30pm when he's getting off of work and left a nice message apologizing as well...saying he shouldn't have pushed the issue...etc.

I didn't call him back and he emailed me this morning with:

"Bunches...Good morning. Just thinking of you and wanted to drop a line. Wishing I had some spare time."

ARGH! Now he's being all sweet which is going to make me like him again and then I'm back where I started. Liking a guy that doesn't have time or want to put forth the effort into a relationship. MUST remember that he doesn't want to date and I'm just going to be disappointed in the end.

Why I'm Meredith Grey

I had an epiphany today that I'm Meredith Grey from "Grey's Anatomy". Notsomuch with the 2 hunky doctors competing for my attention or the skinny figure or the pouty lips, but moreso with the sleeping with men that I shouldn't and then crying while the man is still in bed with me.

I made the mistake of trying to control a situation and it blew up in my face. If you've read any of my other blog entries you know about Toronto Joe. I'm missing him like crazy and am trying to put him on the back burner as he's too busy to even send me a text message these days. It's been really hard. When I was in Toronto he pursued me so vigorously and we saw each other all day, every day - very intense - and I got used to that intensity. Then I left Toronto and we've been reduced to the occassional email or quick phone call and there's no end in sight. Hence, back burner.

Meanwhile, I've moved to NYC and have been here for over 5 weeks. I'm umemployed which sucks (a) because I'm flying through my savings account MUCH faster than I thought I would and (b) it gives me too much time to think.

So there's a guy that lives here that I met at a wedding awhile back and we have great chemistry. So I was excited at the prospect of us hanging out in NY and seeing if there's anything between us. It became clear very quickly that this guy was not looking to date and just wants to have sex. I told him I didn't want that so we'll just have to be friends. Most of my relationships with men have been "friends with benefits" and I'm OVER it. I thought that I could be strong and just be friends with this guy but I'm attracted to him and vice versa and everytime we hung out he was all over me.

Of course I'm loving the attention because it's fun and his immaturity actually makes me laugh sometimes (he literally had to ask me at one point "What's a date then?") but I was telling myself to "stay strong" and not hook up with him. That lasted about 2 weeks. This past weekend I gave in and I'm being really hard on myself about it.

The more I thought about it though...it's just like a diet. As soon as I tell myself I can't have ice cream I go to the grocery store, buy the most fattening Ben & Jerry's I can find and proceed to eat the entire pint in 4 minutes flat.

I tried to put myself on a "man diet" and it completely backfired.

I got drunk Friday night when I was at dinner and drinks with this guy and two other friends. We were right around the corner from my place and he wanted to see my apartment so he came up and I decided to "get it over with" (so romantic). The sex itself was horrible because he hasn't had sex in so long that it lasted literally about 2 seconds. I didn't even realize anything had happened. We're comfortable with each other though so we were laughing about it and everything was fine. Then we decide to go to sleep, he tried to snuggle with me - something clicked in my brain - and I started to cry.

I couldn't stand to have him touching me. I went back to my insecure college days where all guys wanted to do was fuck me. Never wanted to take me out on a date. I got a huge complex as a result of those experiences that took awhile to get over. And here I was at almost 32 years old - right back in college.

I need to stop getting so drunk. When I get really drunk I tend to get pissy with someone or I cry about something. Not everytime, but about 1/2 the time. Not good.

So I pushed him off me...I felt like such shit about myself and told him so. He asked if I wanted him to leave and I said that he should stay. The next morning I didn't feel so bad and I let him hold me. I was so embarrassed and he was very sweet and then he had to go to his place because some maintenance guy was fixing his dryer. He asked me to come to his place to hang out but I didn't think that was a good idea.

So yeah....that was my Friday night/Saturday morning. I felt so pathetic and was beating myself up but whatever. I'm human. I'm Meredith Grey.

The Latest

I had pizza for dinner tonight. I needed it because I was hungover. From my going away party. Where am I going?

I'm moving to NYC in 5 days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've been wanting to live there ever since I can remember. My parents still have a framed picture of me hanging off the Wall Street sign at their house. Of course that was back in the day when I was a Finance major thinking I was going to move to NY and become some powerbroker chick.

So what if it's TEN years later and I'm moving without having a job OR a place to live? I'm totally secure with that. What? What are you looking at? Stop looking at me like that. I am NOT a loser. Jerry Maguire = loser. Me? I'm still working on my mission statement, alright? Or is it a memo?

Yeah, it might not be the smartest move, but I can't keep waiting for one of our pilots to get picked up. If you want something you can't wait around forever for it to happen to you. You have to make it happen. So that's what I'm doing. [fuck me]

The timing is right because we don't have much going on workwise and I would have to sign a lease on a new apartment soon if I wanted to stay in LA. And I don't. I'm subletting right now from the lead actor of the Toronto show but time's running out on that deal...plus, I'm just ready to go.

I have a lead on an apartment in the West Village. A friend of a friend is looking for a roommate and it could not be a more perfect situation. I've spoken with my potential roommate on the phone and it seems like we'd get along great as roommates. So fingers crossed that works out.

I also have a couple of general interviews set up with some big wigs so that makes me feel a little better about the no job thing. SOMEthing will come up eventually. It's just timing.

It's such a surreal feeling to watch something on TV about NY and know that I'll soon be LIVING there. Ah! This is huge...overwhelming really. The only negative is that I won't have my LA people with me. Can't imagine living in a city without certain friends of mine. Don't want to think about it...nooooot thinking about it. [tear]

So that's the big news.

In addition, I of course have a Joe update. I've been away from Toronto and him for over 2 months now and he's still on my mind all of the time. I'm head over heels for this guy. I miss him so God damn much! We've been emailing and have chatted on the phone twice. The first time was for 3 hours and cost $70. Freakin' Canada. The first 2 1/2 hours was great converation. Making each other laugh...then sighing...sitting in silence...confessing how much we missed each other...how much we think about each other...laughing again.

Then Joe led me down the dirty, dirty path to phone sex. He's such a bad, bad boy. Thank God! I was technically still able to wear a white dress when it came to phone sex so I had no idea what I was supposed to say. I let him do most of the talking. I'd start to say something and then felt like an idiot and would just moan and...you know what? Don't need to share all the details. We had phone sex. There. And it probably cost me about $12 in cell phone charges. Huh - I suppose that means I paid for sex. With a phone. Sweet - now I can check that off my list of "Things to Accomplish Before I'm 40".

The second phone conversation was recent. In the past 2 months he hadn't brought up whether or not he'd moved out of his girlfriend's apartment. He had broken up with her twice while I was there but she wasn't accepting it. He had told me that it was over and he was hoping to move into his brother's place in a week.

I assumed that he did just that. Although, part of me wondered because he never brought it up. So I finally did. And he's still living with her. I was upset and fired a machine gun of questions at him. It's a strange situation. She's messed up in the head. Threatened to kill herself the last time he broke up with her. He's all freaked out that she's going to follow through on her threat if he leaves. He sleeps on the couch most nights and they hardly ever see each other.

He's not the guy that's trying to have his cake and eat it too. Quite the opposite actually. He's sleeping on the couch in one situation and then I'm 3,000 miles away. So he without cake at the moment.

He said that he's "weak" and "too nice" and doesn't know how to leave. I suggested he seek the advice of a professional. I told him that we couldn't go on emailing each other the way we do and talking on the phone the way we do if he's still with her. It's not right. It's not fair. He agreed. I think neither one of us brought this up earlier because we didn't want to face reality. But we need to. I said I didn't know if I wanted to continue with "us" and he said, "You came out of the blue to me. I think about you every day. Please hang in there with me. Hang in there a little while until I can figure this out." I paused and said, "Okay, but I'm not waiting forever."

Last night I had my going away party. It was bittersweet. So many of my favorite people showed up and it was great having everyone in the same place - and for me. But to say goodbye is hard. I'm surprised with all the wine I was drinking that I didn't cry.

During the going away party Joe called my cell 5 times. While he was calling I was surely sharing this story with someone inquiring about our status.

On the way to Canter's (had to get the late night food - and subsequent stomach problems - one last time) I listen to his voicemail and he said that his grandmother died. He and his family buried her on Friday. Then they went to the premiere of "Hollywoodland" in which he has his first acting job in a major movie that night. I can't imagine how strange that day must have been for him.

Then he said he broke up with the girlfriend and "it's done." I've never smiled so big. I left him a message today and saying that I'd like to speak with him is the understatement of my life. I think I've listened to his voicemail 999 times. I think I'll go listen to it again. Might as well make it an even thou.

I need to know what "it's done" exactly means. If he's moving out then I'm on cloud nine.

I think we're actually going to get our shot! Hopefully he'll call me soon so I can get the whole story.

Joe moment #3

Near the end of the shoot I left the set at lunch to go back to my apartment. I needed to get away from work. Joe called and was at a bar right around the corner with two friends. I met him there.

Not 5 minutes after sitting down I knocked over his friend's beer. Luckily there wasn't that much left but I still felt like an asshole. And again - luckily - they thought it was funny.

The waiter approached and I ordered a beer and so did they.

We're chit-chatting, but the whole time I couldn't stop staring at Joe. He looked so damn good that day. His yellow Roots shirt perfectly highlighted his tan skin. The sun was shining in his eyes and his smile was so big. God, he's absolutely beautiful.

Unbeknownst to me, the waiter approaches behind me with fresh beers on his tray right at the exact moment my elbow decides to swing backwards and - you guessed it - beer spilled all over the the table. All over me...Joe's friends... yeah.

And again - luckily - they laughed as I said, "No WAY that just happened! Jesus Christ I'm an asshole!"

We had to move tables. The spill reminded me of the Exxon Valdez one. I finally got to drink a beer, get to know his friends a little bit and then I had to take off to go back to work. Oh yeah. Work. I had to leave an outside seat at a pub on a sunshine-filled day with Joe, his friends and beer to go back to work. Ugh...

There's was a tiny, tiny, tiny bit of awkwardness between Joe and I about making plans for later that evening. I told him I'd call him later and that was that. I really didn't think anything of it.

As I'm walking down the sidewalk to go back to my apartment to retrieve my laptop bag - my albatross - I hear someone running behind me - getting closer and closer. All of sudden Joe is standing in front of me out of breath. He said between breaths, "Okay, that...didn't end...the way I wanted it to. I have to see you later."

I laughed and grabbed him and kissed him and told him that of course we're going to see each other later. And we did...

Joe moment #2

Joe's last day on set. Sad day. He gets cut and we're chatting as he's about to leave. I suggested he meet me in the black & white film room in the museum downstairs for a makout session. He says he'll meet me there in 2 minutes.

This museum had a lot of contemporary, goth-like art. Very strange stuff. In the mix was a large room that showed black & white films. Strange films. No one was ever in there. A black curtain sealed the room perfectly.

I made my way down there and he was standing there with his arms crossed watching the film. I stood next to him mocking his stance and he said, "This is romantic." I laughed and started talking about one of the films I had watched earlier and he interrupted me by grabbing my face in his hands and kissing me.

We made out until we had to force ourselves to stop and I said I'd call him later....

Joe moment #1

The Tuesday after the Mets game weekend there was a screening of a movie that one of the Producers on our show had Directed. Some Toronto Film Festival people were attending and he needed us to fill the seats and laugh with all our might.

I had been awake since about 5am that morning. We shot all morning at Wal-Mart and it was stressful for the crew, but not for me because my boss was there that morning which meant I didn't have much to do except play cat and mouse in my mind with Joe. I had fun walking in the different aisles wondering if he'd be there. Then I'd find him and my heart would jump. As I'd pass him and say, "Hello" and find some way to physically touch him whether it be his arm or chest. The sexual tension was building.

When nearing the end of the shoot he asked me (with a little nervous energy) if I'd like to write something with him. I said yes and he looked so satisfied, bent his head down and said, "Awesome." I know what writing means to him and was so honored that he asked me. After not being able to talk with him all day and then letting doubt start to creep into my mind about how he feels about me...to be asked that question was such sweet relief and validation. I'm not imagining all of this.

After Wal-mart I went to editing with my boss and by the end of the day I was beat but knew Joe would be at the screening so I made myself go. The thought of hanging out with him that night infused me with the second wind I so badly needed.

I showed up at the screening before him. Soon after he walks in wearing my favorite outfit a man can wear. A crisp, white, button-down collared shirt, dark jacket, good pair of jeans and stylin' sneakers (bright orange Pumas in this case). He looks so damn hot I could hardly contain myself. But I had to because I didn't want my boss - who was sitting next to me - to know that I was involved with someone on set. I would be mortified if he ever thought I was compromising my job to essentially hang out with "a boy".

When everyone was finding their seats for the screening I made sure to hold back so that I could find two empty seats for Joe and I. And perfectly, two seats in the back were pretty much all that were left. It was as if everyone there read my mind and said, "We got yer back, Stace. No worries."

Without saying anything to Joe, I sat down and then felt him notice the empty seat next to me and come to claim it. Perfect.

The movie started and it wasn't that funny. But I fulfilled my duties and laughed in all the right places and then some, but found it hard to concentrate because I kept finding myself overwhelmed by the physical chemistry pulling me towards Joe's seat. It's as if there was a rubberband wrapped around the two of us but it's way too tight and I kept pushing myself away from him so that I'm centered in my seat. But then...a couple minutes later...and I'd lean his way again.

He took out his cell phone and typed a text message to show me. "I'm dying right now" it said. My heart jumped. I took a deep breath. Looked into his eyes and mouthed, "Me too."

He leaned over to me - apparently having problems with the tiny rubberband as well - and whispered in my ear "There are 10,000 things I'd rather be doing right now and they're all with you." I let my head dip and fall into him for a brief moment to allow the heart-pumping wave of breathlessness wash over me. I pulled away and looked at him. I didn't say anything. We just stared at each other - the light from the film illuminating our faces. His eyes. I can't stop looking at his eyes. When he looks at me I feel like the most interesting person in the world. The only person.

The movie droned on. It's didn't get any better, but like a good soldier I kept laughing. So did Joe. I think he actually enjoyed the film. Good for him. I felt his arm sliding down his chair's armrest. His hand approached mine. I closed my eyes and waited for contact. His hand barely grazed my pinky and my heart skiped a beat. He noticed and said, "Sorry." He knows he's driving me mad.

That was the longest movie in the history of filmmaking.

After it was finally over next up was a screening at another place of Joe's short film for his cast and crew. He had invited me to come. Originally, his girlfriend was going to be there so I wasn't going to go. I didn't want a face to match the name. I need her to not be "real" in my mind. But she changed her mind and didn't go so I lucked out.

I was so happy that I got to share that experience with him. He was so nervous and excited. He's so incredibly passionate - it thrills me.

We arrived at the Spoke Club and it's one of the greatest places I've ever been. You could feel the history there. We all went downstairs for the screening and I found myself in a familiar place - not knowing how to act. Everyone there knows he has a girlfriend so my instinct is to act like I'm just a friend so I go to sit in a different row than him, but he says, "Where do you think you're going. Get up here!" and motions for me to sit right next to him in the front row. Again, when doubt creeps into my brain - he validates.

He grabed my hand and put it on his heart so I could feel it beating out of his chest. I felt it and said, "It's gonna be great. They're gonna love it." And of course they did.

Afterwards, everyone went back upstairs for more cocktails and moviechat. I talked with Joe's cousin, Sean, who is less than thrilling to speak with. He thinks I look like a young Sally Field. I prefer Joe's Diane Lane reference. I finally get to talk with someone else - Stu - the editor of the film. What a cool guy. What I love about Toronto is that it has plenty of people that are in the Entertainment business but they're real people. So refreshing.

The few late-nighters go to another bar - I of course go as well because that means more time with Joe. Once there, I sat down next to him in at the table and proceeded to have the single most satisfying conversation I've ever had with a man. At this point we were so in awe of each other and how strongly we felt already. He was so open and honest that it melted away any fears I had and I was able to tell him exactly what I was thinking. He said he was looking for me in the different aisles at Wal-mart that day. I laughed and said I was doing the same thing.

He said that I was so beautiful. How - after having gotten up at 5am, thrown my hair into a clip and put on a t-shirt and jeans - he could possibly see what he was seeing was beyond me. I've never felt so worthy in my entire life. He said that he wanted to come to NY with me. I said I wanted him to come. We were both so excited to finally have this dialogue and let the other know what we were thinking!

He came back to my place but it was a work night so he couldn't spend the night. We attacked each other the moment the elevator doors closed. It seemed to arrive at the 20th floor in about 3 seconds flat. We made it around the corner to my apartment and once inside we consumed each other. I couldn't kiss him hard enough...soft enough.

He grabed my face in his hands - which made me feel so safe - he looked me in the eyes and said, "I love you."

I immediately pulled back and shook my head no. All I was thinking was "this amazing guy can't possibly feel that way about me...already." I was scared of the intensity and kept shaking my head and he said, "Yes, Stacey, take it in. Do with it what you want. I love you."

I can't do anything but kiss him more. I've never kissed someone so passionately in my life.

Eventually we rip ourselves off of each other and he slips out the door.

And then I had to go to bed and get up 5 hours later to go to work.

I love life

One minute I'm in Atlanta hanging out with my parents - driving around the suburbs. The next, I'm in LA crashing at a friend's place where I meet Ron Paul. He's a 40-something hippy who was ruminating about reincarnation within about 5 minutes of meeting me. Then he sang me a Jackson Browne song while playing the guitar. I ate my Lean Cuisine meal and watched out of respect.

I love random moments like that in life. A few nights later he gave all the girls in the apartment I'm currently residing amazing massages. Mine was about 2 hours long. Incredible. During the massage he would say, "It's all about giving love and receiving love. I'm feeling your love coming at me right now." Meanwhile, I'm like, "Yeah, get the shoulders real good there, Ron Paul. I'm a little tight."

He called me today but didn't leave a message. I gave him my number, but never thought he'd use it. He's about to take off for Europe with his Parisian girlfriend. He didn't leave a message. I think I'll leave it at that.

Toronto Joe

I'm having the best time in Toronto.

The job is insannnnnely busy. Ridiculous actually. It's completely unorganized and really tense on set at times, etc. We fired our lead actor guy after 2 days because he just wasn't cutting it. This put us behind schedule-wise and things have been a nightmare of unorganization - chaos, really - ever since. We can't seem to catch up. But we'll make it through.

Last weekend I went out with our two actors and some of their friends and had a great time. Good food, good conversation, etc.

And I met a boy. Get ready for a long story. He's 27 and this artist, actor, writer, director, producer guy. His name is Joseph and he's amazing. From Day One on set I could tell he was looking at me and he was one of the few people on set that I never got around to officially introducing myself to. We had only exchanged a few "hi/bye's" and then one day he walked right up to me and said, "Has anyone ever told you you look like Diane Lane?" I hadn't showered and had a baseball hat on. I was like, seriously? But as cheesy/sweet as the line was - it was the way he looked at me when he said it that began the intrigue.

From then on we would chat a little here or there on set and that was it. Then last Saturday night I'm out with the actors and some of their friends and I hear that he's going to meet us out. So he does and I ditch the group I was with and went with he and his brother and cousin to another bar.

So Joseph has been drinking and tells me that he has a huge crush on me, he thinks I'm amazing, blah, blah...goes on and on. And it's really intense since he's an artist. He just made a short film and he said I was blowing his mind and he thinks part of him made the movie for me...on and on. I have never been more flattered in my life. Typing this out and re-reading it - I can see how it would look like, "Oh come on...." but it's the honesty with which he reveals these thoughts that makes me trust it.

So that night he came back to my place and we made out. He spent the night. At this point I was thinking, "Eh...he's fun to play with while I'm in Toronto, but I'm not going to get that into him."

So I show up for work this past Monday and it's a little awkward on set...then Tuesday's not as bad...then by Friday we're finding as much time as possible to sit next to each other so we can talk. He's really grown on me. We have so much in common and he's so fun to be around. He has a great laugh and thinks I'm hysterical which is always nice :) He asked me out for Saturday - Mets vs. Blue Jays game.

Backup to Friday - we were getting a ride home from our location in the Line Producer's truck. There wasn't enough room for Joseph in the truck so he was sitting in the bed of the truck in the back. So I hopped in there with him and it was so much fun. We were talking about how random life can be. One minute I'm in LA...the next I'm lying down in the back of a truck with Toronto Joe engulfed in amazing conversation.

We thought we were getting a ride home but then the truck stopped at this bar/restaurant. So we hop out of the truck and look like total rednecks to the hip Toronto-ites smoking outside. Awesome. I love that shit.

He sat next to me and we'd be in mid-conversation and then just stop and laugh and stare at each other because we can't believe how well we get along. Then he said, "You make me feel so special." I've never hung out with a guy so unafraid of saying exactly what he's thinking. It's so goddamn refreshing and freeing.

So we proceeded to get drunk. We ran into the editor of his short film - which I watched and it's absolutely beautiful. He's really talented. Which makes him all the more sexy. So we hang out with the editor and then he says that he wrote a poem for me. I'm thinking, "this guy is too much." And he was all drunk and embarrassed and wanted me to read it and then said, "no, no, I can't let you - it's not finished yet." He finally decided to let me read the first part and it was really good. He makes ME feel so special.

He came back to my place again and spent the night. We stayed in bed until the early afternoon. He left to shower and came back to take me to the Mets game. After that we went up to the top of the CN Tower which is the tallest free standing structure in the world. So we go up there and get a drink and watch the sunset. With another person it would've been cheesy but it isn't with him for some reason. On the way down in the elevator full of people we stood in the middle and faced each other. We stood as close as possible without touching. Our cheeks were side by side and we stayed in that position and didn't say a word the whole ride down. Just stood in silence and immersed ourselves in the tangible chemistry. When the elevator door opened I felt ourselves physically have to separate to exit. He looked at me and said, "Good times."

Then we went to get dinner...then went to another place to get wine & cheese. He knows a lot about wine and fine dining (LOVE that!)...then we went to a dance club that was horrible but we were laughing about how horrible it was. Then he came back to my place again and spent the night. We never run out of things to talk about, laugh about and even if there's some silence it's comfortable.

So - this whole long story - and the twist is he has a girlfriend. But he's been really honest with me from the beginning and said that he lives with her, they've been going out for a couple of years, but it's essentially over. He sunk all of his money into this short film so he can't afford to move out. He's stuck. He can't move in with his parents because they're about 1 1/2 hours outside the city and he needs to be in the city for film connections. He can't shack up with friends because most of them are living with someone or have a baby on the way, etc.

I've never been with someone knowing they have a girlfriend, but I don't care. I'm just going with it. It's so rare to find a connection and I'm not going to NOT hang out with him. Especially since he said it's over between them - it sounds like he's the real life mirror image of the movie "The Break Up". Plus, I have to think of this as an affair since we don't live in the same city.

It's going to be interesting going forward with him. He's someone that I already know I want in my life for as long as I'm alive. I want to travel with him. I miss him when I'm not around him. I worry that I'll get too attached to him - and the artist intensity - and it'll be difficult to say goodbye to him when I leave Toronto, but I'm going to worry about that later. I wouldn't miss out on a minute of being able to hang out with him because of a little heartache down the road. I feel so lucky to have him in my life. And it's amazing to be able to tell him that to his face without fear of rejection, humiliation...

Besides Joe.... Toronto is a wonderful city. It's one of the most international cities in the world yet everyone gets along so well. The people are all so friendly. You get the city/NY feel without the claustrophobia. You can drink the water from the tap. There are so many trees. The streets are clean. I'm really enjoying it.

The apartment they have me in is so sweet. I'm on the top floor (20th) of this building so I have a cool city view. And weekly maid service which helps.

My mom and dad are coming up here for Canada Day weekend (same as July 4th weekend). I'm so excited! After this is over I'm probably going to Atlanta for a week to hang out with them and then...? I have no idea. We'll see. This Toronto show could hit and become a regular 1/2 hour somewhere. Whatever. I'm really not thinking about it at all. There's no time since we're so busy - so that's a good thing. Will deal when the time comes.

Exciting changes ahead...

Heineken

That's what I'm drinking right now...a Heinekin. It makes me happy.

Ahhhh, yeahhh [deep sighhhhhh]

I'm at the office. It's 11:03pm on Saturday night and I'm at the office. Did I say, "I'm at the office?" Oh, right. Back there three times. Sorry. Just wanted to make sure everyone knew I was at the office. There' s a perfectly good explanation, but it still screams, "LOSER!" no matter how you tell it.

But I'm gonna tell it...so liketahearithearitgoes.

I'm flying to Toronto, Ontario tomorrow morning. I'm going to be staying there for 2 months to work on our TBS project. Our fucking CBS pilot didn't get picked up. The one that would've landed me the promotion that I've been working towards for 2 years. And would've gotten me to NY. Yeah. THAT one. Didn't get picked up. So now I'm going to Toronto to work with a bunch of characters on our other thing. I was trying to stay positive but that wasn't working so I thought I'd blog it out. It's my therapy. So I logged onto Internet Explorer to get to my blog and I have CNN.com as my homepage. Please check out this article I saw as I logged on:

http://www.cnn.com/2006/WORLD/americas/06/03/canada.terror/index.html

Uhhhhhh, YEAH! Just lovely. I didn't realize Canadians were so bad ass, but regardless, I don't need to see that the night before I board a plane to Toronto.

Then I saw this article. Is it bad that I wish I could be there to party with them?

http://www.cnn.com/2006/US/06/03/hell.party.ap/index.html

To catch everyone up to speed I have moved out (as of tomorrow) of the Bev Hills 90210 house I lived in for 3 years. My friend that owns the house has gotten engaged and his woman's moving in and needs my room for her stuff. So I'm out.

When I get back from Toronto I'll be homeless.

That sucks.

Then when I'm done with this job in Toronto I'll most likely be jobless as well.

That sucks.

I need anti-anxiety medication. I'm serious. [sipping Heinekin] I think it'll really help me. I was always anti-taking pills but now I've gone to the other side and feel that having anxiety all the time really isn't all it's cracked up to be. I'm now just anti-anxiety. If a pill helps me get through a rough patch - then why the hell not?

So why am I at the office? Before I take off for Toronto I needed to park my piece of shite 1987 Nissan Sentra at work so my co-worker can keep an eye on it. I meant to do it earlier today, but I went over to my boss's house to do something on his computer and it took longer than expected. BUT, the payoff was his wife had friends over for her birthday and they had leftover Dom Perignon so I had 4 glasses while I was on his computer.

I love LA. Sipping my Dom while working on some guy's computer.

So then I drove to work. Dumped my car. Came into the office to grab a Heine and thought I'd blog.

What else is going on? I had one last night with Hot Actor Boy Jeffrey. It was...interesting. He had a friend in town and they were going out with a bunch of friends to Baha Cantina - a really fun meat-market type of margarita joint. I love it. Reminds me of Rio Bravo in Buckhead (which is now shut down - so sad).

So I get to the place - can't find him anywhere. I call. No answer. Order and drink a margarita by myself. I call. No answer. I order another margarita. Befriend the 2 guys and 2 girls sitting at the bar in front of me. One of the guys is an actor and had auditioned for our CBS pilot. Reminded of how small a town LA is. I take another look around the bar and finally find Jeffrey. He had grown a beard when he was in Thailand and I didn't recognize him.

He looks hot. As usual.

He's at a HUGE table with tons of friends so I take a seat at the end and chat up his friends. Drink more margaritas. The 2 guys I chatted with earlier come find me. We bond over the fact that the 2 girls they were with were annoying. One of the guys asks for my number and as I'm giving it to him I say, "Oops. I'm moving in a week sooo..." He shuts his phone. It hits me that I'm really leaving. I drink more alcohol.

Jeffrey, his friends & I go to another bar and I have a couple beers. His friends are really cool and I'm having fun. Then I make some snide comment to him and he says, "What are you doing? Are you picking a fight?" I look at him and am about to bust into tears so I run out of the bar........and proceed to bust into tears.

Apparently I wasn't raised to be okay with sleeping with a guy for YEARS but not feel anything towards that person. God damn my parents. I proceed to cry and try to stop myself which only makes me cry more. I tell Jeffrey that I've been really lonely in LA and he's kept me going and I cherish out time together but I'm not able to sleep with him and feel nothing. He grabs me and tells me that he wouldn't keep calling me if he didn't care about me. Part of me felt like he meant it. Part of me felt like he was just saying it because I was crying. I was drunk - who knows.

He was such a sweetheart though. A trooper really. We went back to his place. I grabbed his guitar and pretended I could play (In another life I'm going to be a GREAT guitar player) . He said I looked sexy holding the guitar. He taught me how to strum. We smoked pot. I felt better. He found some massage oil and gave me a really long massage. I felt better. We had sex. I felt much better.

Then I couldn't sleep and wanted to have sex again. So I rubbed him in the right ways and we got worked up and then the most interesting thing happened: We had angry sex. I've never done that before but we were pushing each other away and hitting each other (lightly) and it went on for a long time. It was really fucking interesting.

Then we slept and had the morning sex. GOD I love the morning sex. Then we went out to breakfast and it was awkward. There were so many things I wanted to say to him. I hate how he's never ONCE asked me anything about myself. How many siblings do I have? Did I play sports in high school? Who's my favorite Olympian? WHAT-ever. Just something. But no. We just sat there. Finally he said, "Soooo, Toronto huh?" I could barely talk about it though for fear of my tear bucket overflowing again. I'm too damn sensitive.

At the end of the breakfast we talked about the book "Night" and he said he'd mail me his copy so I could read it. I emailed him my address and instead of the book he emailed me a postcard he had written to me when he was in Thailand. He had put the Thai stamps on it, but didn't have my address to mail it. He had saved it. And mailed it to me. His way of saying, "Shut up. I care about you." It was a small gesture, but it meant a lot.

So tomorrow I fly to Toronto. Then next weekend I fly to Vegas to celebrate my Aunt Diana's 60th birthday. She's skydiving. My dad will be there. I can't wait to see him! And my cousins Randy & Steve who kick ass as well. I miss my family.