The End Of Toronto Joe - Part 2

The next day we're hungover and lay in bed for way too long. But not in the way that I was envisioning where we were snuggling and trying to be with each other as much as possible physically since we wouldn't know when we'd see each other again.

It was more me staring at his back. He reached over to me a couple times but it just wasn't what I pictured. The reality was really starting to not live up to the fantasy. We finally motivate to get food. Conversation is very one-sided (my side).

We decide to head to his hometown for New Year's Eve. The parties in Toronto don't sound fun enough and we'd rather spend the evening with his family and close friends. So we take a train to Welland, ON. I was SO excited about this for two reasons. First, a few months earlier Joe had sent me the most romantic email I'd ever received. It was his vision of what it would be like for him to take a train from Toronto to NY to come and visit me. Second, we had talked/dreamed before about the future possibility of me meeting his family and seeing his hometown and experiencing all that entails. And now it was finally happening!

He was so distant though. It was like I wasn't even there. He just stared out the window of the train the entire 1 1/2 hour ride. I would lean my head on his shoulder and he wouldn't respond in kind. I would ask, "Is this bothering you?" and he'd say, "No" but wouldn't touch my arm or anything to physically say "It's not bothering me."

He had told me before about how much he hated high school. I noticed several slash mark-type scars on his wrist and asked him about it. He said, "Knife marks. I really hated high school." So I hugged him and he didn't hug back. Just sat there.

At first I was surprised by his distance and then frustrated. I didn't understand. I figured he was just so consumed with his poor financial status and the fact that he hasn't made it as a writer/actor/director yet that it was overwhelming him and he couldn't "be" with me. It was pissing me off. I wanted to shake him and say, "I'm HERE! Pay attention to me."

We got off the train and his brother wasn't there yet to pick us up. I tried to ask him if he was alright and he acted like he was totally fine and then looked at me as if something was wrong with me. That frustrated me more.

His brother is an amazing person. So funny and sweet and just as passionate as Joe. We had a great NYE night. It was his brother Kyle, sister Julie, her boyfriend and two friends of theirs. So just 7 of us sitting at their kitchen table in this tiny town called Welland - drinking, laughing and listening to music. No fuss, no muss.

Another reason I was excited to be with Joe for that holiday is that I had never had a true NYE kiss. It was always friends. Never had a boyfriend. So here I am. I'm finally in a relationship and the guy is hardly paying attention to me. So disappointing.

At one point we went around the table and shared what we were thankful for that year and Joe said, "The ONLY thing I'm thankful for this year is my family for helping me get through the Alena situation." Meanwhile, I'm standing right there. This girl that he met that year and said "I love you" to on several occassions. Me - he's not thankful for. I felt so rejected and humiliated.

But still - when it was my turn I said I was thankful for meeting Joe and being able to share my NYE with all of them.

We all get drunk. His parents come home from their party in Niagara Falls. They're so so wonderful. So laid back and caring and fun to be around and non-judgemental. Full of heart. Really great people. They made me feel so welcome. Much more than Joe did.

Everyone's going to bed. Joe whispers in my ear, "I'm going to smoke. Get upstairs and I'll meet you there." I was so desperate for his attention that I was excited at that comment. So I go upstairs, get undressed except for my sexy underwear that I had of course planned to wear that night about 2 weeks prior. He comes in, gets hard....and passes out. I was so pissed. Plus, he passes out in the middle of the bed so I hardly have any room and am a little squished against the wall. I try to push him over and he says, "Relax, we'll do it in the morning."

Gee.....can we? Would I be so lucky? Fuck off! I was so mad at this point.

BUT - in the morning I thought, "This is the last time we're going to have to lie in bed with each other" because I was going to the airport that afternoon. Joe didn't want to have anything to do with me. Sure he kissed me and all but it was only because I was initiating it - and lying on top of him.

He cooked me french toast for breakfast. I hung out with his family. We all had a great time talking. He and his brother gave me a tour of his hometown. I had dreamed of seeing all of the places he had told me about. His high school, places he had worked, etc. But it all seemed so empty because he just wasn't "there."

I said goodbye to his family and we had a long drive to the airport in Toronto. At least an hour drive. I so desperately wanted to ask him what the hell was going on but I didn't. I didn't want to cry in front of him and I knew I would if I brought it up. Instead I continued lavishing him with attention. It was pathetic at this point. I said, "You don't seem as affectionate as you used to be." He just said, "Huh. Really?" Fucker...

He walked me into the airport and stood in line with me. When we had to say goodbye I told him - with hesitation - that I loved him. I said he didn't have to say it back but it was just something that I had been wanting to say to his face for so long. He looked a little taken aback and said, "Luv you too, Stace." But he could've been saying that to a bowl of soup. There was nothing behind it.

I wanted to break down and cry but held it together.

I had to wait at the airport for 5 hours due to delayed flights. It was miserable. I just wanted to get back to NY so I could be in my bed and cry it out.

The day after I got back I emailed him a WAY too complimentary email stating all the reasons I loved him. Since he had asked me the first night I was there and I never got a chance to tell him. I also touched on the fact that he was distant when I was in Toronto.

He didn't reply for a week "due to a computer virus" but when he did he he said that he had never received an email of that magnitude but felt like he needed to tell me that he doesn't think we're meant to be. He was feeling overwhelmed and guilty when I was in Toronto because he could tell, see and feel how I was feeling and he wasn't feeling as strongly and just can't right now since he's still reeling from breaking up with his ex. He doesn't know when or if he'll be ready.

Then he said how great I am and hoped we could be friends.

I immediately replied saying that I felt he should've called me and said that - not emailed me but that it was okay and generally tried to make HIM feel better. That's just my nature.

After absorbing the email for a couple of days and talking with my mom and some friends about it I was so pissed off. Why the FUCK didn't he tell me this stuff BEFORE I came to visit??? He had said, "Luv you too" in a text message a few weeks before the trip so how was I supposed to know what he was feeling? He has no balls. I emailed him an angry email telling him off and I felt so much better.

That was over a week ago and I haven't heard from him thus proving the "he has no balls" theory. A friend of mine said that in her experience men with no money = men with no balls and I have to say that makes sense. Men with money at least have the power that comes along with that and have it to fall back on. It's an ego thing.

I hope Joe and I can be friends. He really is an amazing person. I don't just fall for anyone. But he's just too immature. And broke. And lives in Toronto. And isn't right for me. But I don't regret any of this because I had the time of my life this summer with him and I learned HUGE lessons for myself from this experience.

Now I'm finally moving on....thank God I DID visit him because if I hadn't then the fantasy could've gone on much longer (due to his lack of balls) and it just wasn't healthy.