Weekend update 6/24

Friday night I went out with a girl named Jenn. She's my friend Ramin's sister. She's pretty cool. I met her at Washington Square Park where there was a jam session going on. Seth Green was playing one of the guitars. Random but funny. I was the only one that knew who he was thanks to my casting days.

We went to a bar afterwards and were constantly hit on by a barrage of dorks that were out for a bachelor party. One of them wouldn't leave me alone until I helped him name his friends two pit bulls that he just bought. He wanted to name them after 80's hip hop groups. So annoying.

I couldn't sleep Friday night and didn't go to bed until the sun came up. So I slept until 1:15pm. A lot on my mind...

Saturday night I went out with my friend Jeannie and another girl. Very cool place called Revel in the meatpacking district. Used to be called The Bar With No Name. It reminded me of an Atlanta bar. No velvet rope. You didn't have to wait in line. Cool big patio out back. It was packed which tells me that New York is seriously lacking in cool places like that.

Sunday I slept late again. Watched Pulp Fiction. Went to Central Park for a walk and then walked home from the park. I needed the exercise because I've been eating a LOT lately.

The reason I can't sleep is that I'm obsessed with the idea of this new job I heard about. Associate Producer at CNN Presents. It's in Atlanta. And the more I think about it the more I want it. It's a PERFECT job for me!!! And I feel ready to get back home. I don't like my job in NY. I want to work in TV and the only jobs in NY are at MTV, Bravo or Fuse and I could care less about that crap. It would be AMAZING to work at CNN producing a documentary series about what's really going on in the world. And it's a STABLE job in TV. Not the futile process of trying to get pilots on the air.

I'm tired of being so far away from my family and good friends. My friends are either in LA or Atlanta. I'm tired of living one paycheck away from the streets. I'm tired of trying to create a life for myself in a huge city. I'm tired of how crowded it is. I want more space.

So I'm trying my best to find an "in" at CNN through my friends. So far I've only had a girl at the Cartoon Network refer me internally. Jeannie knows a producer at CNN Headline News so she's going to email him tomorrow. Hopefully he'll help me too.

As I was walking in Central Park today I came around the corner and looked up and saw a huge CNN billboard in front of me. Put a smile on my face. I was like, "HIRE ME!" I guess if I find an "in" and get a call for an interview then it's a sign.

We'll see...

Chase Roth

I booked a flight home for the July 4th holiday and am so excited to get a hug from my parents and to see some good friends!

Also......there's a guy named Chase Roth that I've had a crush on since 1st grade and my mom and all the other mom's in the neighborhood I grew up in have always wanted us to get together.

He was married but got divorced. My mom decided that now's "our chance". So she did her manipulative thing and scored his email address for me.

He emailed me back all excited to see me so I have a date with him when I go home.

Woo hoo!

I'm so excited! He's cuter than Dave and more fun to hang out with and actually laughs at my jokes. Will be such a great ego boost to see him.

All the Marietta moms are buzzing now. It's hysterical. "Maybe SOMETHING will happen FINALLY between Chase and Stacey! We're SO excited!"

I felt SO MUCH better when I got Chase's email. It was exactly what I needed to put me over the edge into the "I'm over Dave" category.

I love life.......

Update coming soon!

I've fallen behind in my blogging because Dave and I broke up and I haven't had the energy to type about it . Or rather...he broke up with me. Forgot to call me to tell me about it though. And he signed up for match.com again with a new picture and everything. Forgot to break up with me first. Oh and he stood me up...then didn't call...then forgot to break up with me.

So I've had a shitty week. But I'm back on match.com too and was able to tell him off in a very succinct but effective way. Here was my email to him through match.com (so he knows I'm immediately back on there too and he didn't break me):

Dave,

Since you're not going to be man enough to pick up the phone and call and instead have gone back on match.com let me just help you out. We're obviously done.

You're a coward and a prick.
Stacey

I was going to end things with him in the next month or so anyway because I wasn't happy. After two weekends of weddings and being around fun people I realized I needed to end it. But I would've done it to his face. After 4 months it's the respectful thing to do.

No more crying. He doesn't deserve it. You think you know someone...

I'm putting myself right back out there again to help get over it sooner. Might have a cocktail date tonight, in fact.

WHY ARE MEN SUCH PUSSIES WHEN IT COMES TO BREAKING UP????

Blogkakke

My boss emailed us today saying that the blog section of the website I work for needs a new title because the current one isn't cutting it.

He emailed us some suggested replacements and one was:

Blogkakke

I was told this is a play on the word Bukakke which, according to Wikipedia, is defined as:

Bukkake is a group sex practice that features a woman (or man) being ejaculated on by multiple men.

This is apparently funny to my boss in LA.

Please for the love of everything that is holy do not make me tell people I'm the editor of a Blogkakke.

Rain!

Yesterday I brought my cell phone with me while I was walking along the West Side Hwy because I wanted to chat with my sister and/or mom to help the exercise go by faster. I'm getting tired of "Rock Your Body" by Justin Timberlake to get me going.

I'm about 2/3rds finished with my walk, on the phone with Kathryn and it starts pouring rain. Thunder, lightning. Awesome. I hang up with Kathryn and stick my cell phone in my spandex shorts in a lame attempt to keep it dry. Which means I can't run or the phone will slip out from underneath the spandex.

So I try running while holding the phone on my thigh. That was a pain in the ass so I changed course and decided to walk the mile home. It was POURING. I'm the only idiot out there that LOVED it! I really missed weather while living in LA. I was laughing all the way home.

My shoes still haven't dried but I don't care. It was a great NY moment.

Montreal/Formula One

Had fun in Montreal for Leigh's bachelorette party. We combined it with Geoff's bachelor party so there were 15 people there. A larger group than I would normally want to travel with but we separated a different points. I got to do everything I wanted. Shop, walk around Old Montreal, eat well, go to the car race, catch up with Leigh, get to know Geoff better.

Good stuff.

I'm so exhausted too. I told myself that the past three weeks of gluttony would end yesterday. Then I get a text from my friend Bernadette saying she's in town and wants to take me to dinner.

How can I turn down that offer?

So I choose Artisanal and we ate too much cheese and drank too much wine. Tonight Dave and I are getting dinner and will no doubt split a bottle of wine.

Let the gluttony continue...

Matt & Michelle's wedding

SO MUCH FUN!!!!!!!

I had the best time. Took a train to Boston Friday afternoon. Remi and Carrie were napping so I walked around downtown Boston. I love exploring new cities.

Then we went to the rehearsal dinner. It was so good to see everyone. The decorations were so cute. Sailor type theme. I've never heard funnier speeches at a rehearsal dinner in my life. My mouth hurt from smiling so much. A lot of love in that room. They sat Remi, Carrie & I at a table with 4 old people. We laughed when we saw our tablemates but they were pretty cool actually. The sassy old people types.

We went to the hotel's bar afterwards to hang out. I only had a glass or two of wine that night. Was still in detox from Memorial Day weekend.

Saturday we woke up late and had just enough time to get ready for the wedding. I was so excited to wear my dress because I bought it months ago and had been dyyyyying to wear it. It was a hit. I love that.

Wedding was nice. Church was beautiful. But hot. I was doing the "I do declare..." thing while fanning myself with the brochere. I'm such a sweater. It's gross.

Reception was a lot of fun. We had a great table. The entire room was lined with windows overlooking the water. Beautiful. Lee Kirk sat next to me. CUTIE!!!!! I had a crush on him when I first met him in LA but of course he had a blonde, skinny girlfriend at the time. So I move to NY and now....he's single. Typical. I was thinking that if the stars aligned (read: I had the right amount of booze and the opportunity) that making out with him wouldn't necessaaaaaaaarily be cheating on Dave. We were getting along great. He was laughing at my jokes. But the more the night went on I realized that I would feel really guilty and I think he JUST ended his thing with the ex-girlfriend and was in no mindset for fun.

Just as well.

Michelle's dad is a firefighter so there were some of his guys at the reception. It was fun to talk with some of them. They're just real guys. Solid. Some of the firefighters got on their boat and did a water spraying type salute for Matt and Michelle. That was such a cool sign of respect for them and her father. Really special.

I was good not to get wasted. Had a good buzz going the whole time. We closed down the bar and hung out in the groom's brother's room for awhile. I was doing my "don't go to sleep" nazi thing. Then got tired myself. I had my Southern thang going on. I'm sure it was getting obnoxious. I needed to be slapped in the face and put to sleep.

Remi, Carrie and I hung out with one of Matt's co-workers the whole weekend. He looks like Michael J. Fox and was really fun to hang out with. We tried to get him to stay in our room Saturday night instead of driving to his parent's house because he had been drinking. He left after we went to sleep. Bastard. We're three random women he met at a wedding. We deserved to be treated better than that! At least a note! Something.

Matt & Michelle provided a much-needed breakfast the next morning. Then I got on the train and came home.

Now I have to get ready for work.

Ugh.

And gather some energy this week for the big Montreal trip this weekend. I'm going to be SO GODDAMN TIRED this time next week. Pray for me. After praying for the kids in Darfur of course.

Memorial Day weekend

This is a belated post. I was so exhausted from Memorial Day weekend that I couldn't bring myself to type up a post.

And now that it's so far after-the-fact I'll make it shorter than I normally would have.

Friday night we had dinner in the city with Pete & Crisi. It was just an OK evening. Conversation wasn't really flowing for some reason. Went to The Park in Chelsea and the service was horrible. Dave and Pete had started drinking that day at 4pm and when I met up with them to go to dinner Dave's eyes were SO bloodshot. High as a kite. Which I don't care about but it just was a signal to me that I probably wasn't gettin' any that night.

Crisi and I joked about that when we were getting after dinner drinks (WHY do I think it's a good idea to slam 2 mojitos after dinner? Why is this necessary?). She wanted to go home to increase her chances of getting laid and I said, "Tell me about it. I dressed extra cute to try and balance out the alcohol & pot in Dave's system."

We both got screwed that night. And not in the good way.

Saturday I barely made my train to CT. Pete, Crisi and I met Dave in Norwalk, CT where Pete, Dave and a bunch of his friends grew up. We BBQ'd at Tim's place. His wife was out of town so it was the 5 of us. Started drinking around 4pm I think and we were up until 4am. I was so tired but I had to stay up with Dave because he had a friend/worker of his to entertain.

Dave and I stayed at Pete's parents house in a room with two twin beds and a crib. Awesome. So we had sex in the twin bed (it was pretty good actually) and then separated to sleep. Nice set up. I think they had it right in the "Leave It To Beaver" days.

Sunday morning we grabbed brunch with Pete/Crisi...they went back to the city. We cleaned Tim's house and then went to the Sunset Grill (place on the water). But before that Dave and Tim drove me around Norwalk and I got to see the house Dave grew up in. AMAZING. Victorian house from the late 1800's. White. Huge front porch. 400 ft. of waterfront property. Truly beautiful. I can't believe he grew up there.

So we sat at Sunset Grill for about 12 hours drinking in the sun. I slammed back WAY too much alcohol and got nasty drunk. Where I get all dramatic and crying over something stupid. I HATE when I get like that. I'm a bad drunk. But we still had fun.

Dave and I had to sleep on Tim's couch. Ugh.

I couldn't even speak in the morning. Dave drove us back to his place and I crashed on his bed for a few hours and then we sat around all day watching TV. He drove me back the next day around noon.

LONG ASS weekend but overall it was a lot of fun. I was sick the whole next week though. My body was wrecked. Three days in a row of heavy drinking = not good. No more.

Good Day

For two reasons:

1. Dave texted me last night, "Leaving Yankee Game. Thinking of You." Not a big deal to most people but it's poignant because I had directly asked him to do this sometimes a couple weeks ago and he actually listened and is trying. It means a lot to me.

2. I just bought US OPEN tickets!!!!!!!!! I started playing tennis when I was in 2nd grade or something like that...basically have been playing my whole life and it's been my DREAM to attend all of the grand slam tournaments. The US OPEN!!! So excited!!! I got tickets for the Men's Semifinal and the Women's Final. All in one day. Will be a LOOOOONG day but will be so much fun!!!

Great Weekend

Friday night I went out with Jeannie. We've been trying to go out and get to know each other for months now. We went to a couple places and had a few drinks and good conversation. I want her to be my new friend :) She's great (Thanks, Jess if you're reading this).

Saturday I slept ridiculously late then went to see "Waitress" which I thought was cute. Then on my street there was a great flea market. I love my neighborhood! There was some really good jewelry. I was good and only bought $10 in bracelets.

Dave came over later and we went to Snack for dinner and had a great meal. He looked so cute in this thin, yellow sweater. When he smiles I just melt because he has those perfect crow's feet. Love it.

So good conversation at dinner and then we went to our tapas/wine bar, Ostia, for some more wine. I drank one extra glass than I should have. He's a bad influence on me. Then we came back to my place and had good sex. He didn't have to work on the deck during the day so he had some energy :)

Also, Dave mentioned that the Monday after Mother's Day his dad came into work and said, "So, what does Stacey do for a living?" Dave said, "What? You didn't ask her?" His dad said, "No, I didn't want to be nosy." So then Dave's mom came into the city on Wednesday and did the same thing. Asked Dave, "So where's Stacey from?" Dave said, "Why don't you ask her the next time you see her." His mom said, "Well, I didn't want to be nosy." I feel SO MUCH BETTER about his parents!!! They're on the one extreme end of almost being rude in their effort to not be "nosy" whereas MY mom is on the other end of the spectrum and is almost rude by how many questions she DOES ask. Anyway...glad they're actually interested in who I am.

This morning Dave and I went to Bubby's. Love that place. Although Dave said, "Let's go to Googie's." I said, "Huh. Never heard of it." Then we walk to Tribeca and I see Bubby's and I say, "I love that place" and he got the cute, confused look on his face that he gets when he's...well...confused and said, "Oh! That's where we're going." I love that he has airhead moments. Makes me feel okay about mine.

After breakfast we walked around SoHo and then he dropped me off because he had to go to work. It was a perfect date.

I took a nap and then went to Central Park to take some pictures. It's tough to find a creative way to take pictures of Bethesda Fountain but I think I did it. Then I sat in the grass and called my mom and spoke with her for awhile. Then I bought a hot dog and by the time I got to the next cart I was already done eating it so I bought an Oreo ice cream popsicle. Yummmmmyyyy....

I decided to walk all the way home to walk off the food and it started raining right at the Empire State Building. So I waiting it out underneath the awning and then made it home. I love walking home down 5th Avenue from the park. It's such a fun walk.

I love this city!!!

Met the parents

I met Dave's parents this past weekend. He had invited me during the week but wasn't sure if he was going to be able to go because of work. Then mid-day Saturday he said he was definitely going up and "I was welcome to come."

I HATE that phrase! Do you want me to come or not? I just ignored it and said I'd like to come. So I had about 30 minutes to get myself ready and packed because we were going to his friend Mike's in Connecticut for his 35th birthday BBQ and I was going to spend the night at Dave's and then we were driving up to his parents house the next day.

Saturday night was fun. I had never been to CT. So now I have. Dave and I got too drunk and spent the night there. No sex of course. I need to have a talk with him about that at some point. I know he needs the release from his stressful job/life but every once in awhile I need him to scale down a couple drinks so we can actually BE together.

An ex-girlfriend of his was there (Mike didn't give him a head's up so he didn't know she was going to be there) and she was cuter, skinnier and tanner than me. I didn't know that she and Dave used to date and I remember meeting her and thinking, "Ugh, she's cuter, skinnier and tanner than me." I always size myself up to every other girl whenever I go out. So of course Dave used to date her, but whatever. He said she's a pill popper so that made me feel better :) And they weren't serious or anything. And it then made sense why she was kind of cold to me when I first met her. Of course 5 glasses of sangria took care of that and she finally talked to me at the end of the night.

Dave woke me up at 7am and said, "Let's go! We can drive up to my parents and have breakfast." I was like, "Ummmm, I thought we were having dinner there?" I was hungover and tired but pushed through.

On the way up there Dave was chatting and not paying attention and passed the exit he needed. Instead of doing what most people do which is TURN AROUND...he decided to keep going because "there's gotta be a cut across at some point."

Weeeellllll, there's not. At one point he saw the Catskills off to the left and said, "That's not good" because that's where we were supposed to be. We ended up in friggin' Albany. At one point we saw a sign for Montreal. I said, "Babe, I didn't bring my passport." So a 2 1/2 hour drive became a 4 hour drive. We were cracking up.

So we had lunch at this cute place that's next to a small creek. Then we FINALLY arrive at his parent's house. We left at 9:30am and got there at about 2:30pm.

They live in a dreeeeam house in the Catskills. 2 ponds in the front with geese. Huge log cabin style house. Grandma lives in the guest house. They have the biggest stone fireplace I've ever seen. Amazing.

His dad greeted us and he's so sweet! Then we walk into the house and it's reeeeeally quiet. His brother is sleeping on the couch in the lap of some girl that Dave's never met before. So that was strange. We were like, "Who's she?" His mom greeted me and then went back to her chair to watch that stupid Ben Stiller museum movie.

And that was it. Dave's dad talked with me a little bit but not in the "let me get to know this girl that Dave brought to the house" way but rather in a small talk way. I asked him about the house aaaaand that was about it.

After awhile Dave and I went to meet his grandma and give her the flowers he bought for her. Then we walked around the pond and went back in the house.

No one was watching TV and Real Time with Bill Maher came on and Arianna was a panelist. So I sat down and Dave's mom came in the room and said, "I HATE that woman!" I replied sarcastically, "That's my boss." She said, "You're kidding!" and laughed and walked off.

I was expecting SOME sort of follow up question like, "Oh, you work for her? What do you do?" But NO. NOTHING. I thought that was so strange.

We had a really nice meal at a restaurant called The Phoenix. Conversation was more of the same. We had a 10-minute discussion about what spice was in the rolls. No one could figure it out.

"Is it nutmeg?"
"It could be tumeric."
"No, it's not tumeric."
"Allspice?"
"That's cheating."
"I think it's nutmeg."
"Let's ask the waiter."

The whole experience was very informative. I'm so used to my mom who's been compared to a CIA investigator when she meets people. Especially if it's someone her kids bring over for a special dinner. Dave said that it's not because they're not interested but it's because they know that if they start grilling me Dave will throw his hands up and say, "Hey...knock it off!" But still.....not ONE question?

It helped me understand Dave a lot more which will help us in our communications. I hope. Not that it won't still be frustrating when he doesn't respond to something I say but I feel much more comfortable around him now which is huge. We had 6 hours in the car together.

I finally got to see his place this weekend too. It's a tiny house but it's right on the water. SO relaxing. It has a lot of potential. He just has to find the time to carry out his plans for it.

Still haven't had sex with him. It's been 2 weeks & 5 days. Not that I'm counting or anything....

We're making plans for Memorial Day weekend. If the weather holds up we're going to Block Island and staying at an inn and hanging out at Aaron and Beth's house there. That'll be fun! If the weather sucks then we'll just cook out at Dave's place and maybe head to CT again to BBQ with Tim and Dina. Either way I'm looking forward to it. I'll be out of town the 2 weekends after that so it'll be good to have an entire weekend with him.

We're hanging out tomorrow night. Pray for me that I get laid. Probably won't be on the top of your higher power's "to do" list but I gotta at least get in the cue.

This Weekend

I feel good about my new attitude regarding Dave. I want to take a step back and not take "us" so seriously.

Well, then last night he invited me to his parents' place in upstate NY on Sunday for Mother's Day to meet them.

We might not go - all depends on his work schedule - but it's SO HARD for me to keep a casual mindset with him when I'm meeting the parents. I take that seriously. And I assume he doesn't drive every girl he dates 2 1/2 hours up there to meet them. So that action says to me that he sees potential in "us" so all of the bullshit re: him is worth it.

I worked from home today but didn't have much to do. Which meant I ate too much food. Ugh. Am going for margaritas with some people from work tonight. Could be trouble...

The Talk

Dave and I talked Monday night and I don't really feel any better or any worse. Just eh....

I still have absolutely no idea how he feels about me but after reflecting back I didn't really ask him so that's only fair.

He said that he's in no rush to settle down but he's open to it down the road. That's fine with me. But his schedule is never going to change so I only get him about 2 times a week at the most and at least one - if not both times - he's too tired for sex.

The other issue is that I might be a little too sensitive for his harsher communication style. He's got that tough-northern-I-was-in-the-Navy type style and I need a little more coddling than that gives. He never talks about how he feels. Hardly ever compliments me. I just need a little more in that area.

Monday night I said that it would mean the world to me if he could tack an "I miss you" at the end of a text message or an email sometimes and he just stared at me with a grin on his face. I was like, "Ummmmmm, do you think I'm an idiot for asking that or are you thinking this is cute?" So I said, "Okay...moving on."

I'm like...GIVE ME SOMETHING!

My attitude right now is to just go with it for awhile longer. Have fun this spring/summer with him and reevaluate in a couple of months. If he's not excited about me by then then I think that's a sign I need to move on.

So I guess I do feel better now that I have a plan. And I'm also keeping my options open. If I meet a great guy out I might go for an innocent coffee. Can't close the door on anything right now.

Weekend update 5/7

My girls were in town! Got to see R&C Friday night at Alta for a group birthday dinner for R. Had a good time seeing them and getting to know some of their NY friends. Dave busted his ass to get there which meant a lot. And dragged his brother upstairs to meet me which also made me feel good.

Saturday I did brunch and shopping in the West Village with R&C. PERFECT NY Spring Day! Then I went running along the West Side Hwy which felt great. I don't run that much anymore because of my knees but I have to bust out every once in awhile. Elliptigirlies gets so boring.

Saturday night Dave and I were supposed to "talk" and then meet up with R&C. I put myself through fucking HELL because he never freakin' called me back. I met up with R&C and two other girls and had a couple drinks. I so needed that "laugh with the girls" time but I was still preoccupied with why Dave hadn't called me. He never does that.

Sunday around noon he finally calls and says, "Hey...I hung out with my mom and brother and sister last night. How are you?" I was like, "Huh?" Apparently there was a huge miscommunication and he thought we were supposed to have brunch on Sunday because I was hanging out with my friends Saturday night. I told him exactly what I had said Saturday morning and he realized that he fucked up.

So it was all a misunderstanding but my GOD that boy put me through hell that night. I was reeling and overanalyzing. I swear. So then we were supposed to hang out Sunday night and he ended up getting too tired from deck-building so now we're hanging out tonight (Monday).

I can't wait until that damn deck is finished. It's seriously cutting into my sex life.

I had a great conversation with both my sister and dad last night re: relationship stuff. I feel much better about letting Dave know how I feel about a couple of things now. That, along with R&C's support Saturday night, have me rearing to go!

Beta launch for the site is tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!! SO EXCITED! I think this damn thing is actually going to happen!!!!!!!!

Up and Down

I blew up at Dave last night. I don't get enough sex. It's like we've been married 15 years and I'm the man wanting to have more sex. I've been needing to talk with him about where we stand and there never seems to be a good time to bring it up. So my frustration builds up and comes out at the wrong time. I gotta work on that.

I think we'll be fine I just need to verbally hear him say that he sees potential in us and is either falling for me or could see that happening so I'm not putting myself through the bullshit of his complicated life for nothing.

He got to meet two of my girlfriends from LA last night and I was on SUCH a high after that. He even commented on it. But the night went longer than we anticipated and we didn't get home until 12:30am. He had been up since 4:30am. This was the 3rd date in a row where we weren't going to be together. This is so hard for me. Maybe I'm being a brat but I'm falling for this guy and want to be with him. And it's almost worse when he's in bed with me but asleep. So close, yet......

What I love is after I was done yelling at him last night he shushed me and I said, "Don't shush me. It pisses me off" and then he attacked me and we had sex. And it was quick but hot. It was his way of saying, "This is frustrating for me too." I needed to "hear" that one way or another.

How are we supposed to build a relationship together if he's too fuckin' tired all the time? He busts his ass to see me twice a week so I know his heart's into it.

I guess I'll just have to decide if I can deal with the whole package that is "Dave".

And right now I want to.

Weekend update 4/23

I just realized I didn't do a post last Monday. Huh.

My weekend didn't go the way I had planned but ended great. Was supposed to meet up with a friend that was in town from San Fran Friday night but she never called. I was annoyed because I would've gone to the gym but instead I sat around all night waiting for a call that never came. I didn't have her number.

Saturday I went to Park Slope and my friend Hans made brunch for me. Really good fritatta with potatoes. He had a strawberry smoothie waiting for me when I walked in the door. So sweet. We chatted for a long time and then he showed me around the area and we walked through Prospect Park. It was a GORGEOUS weekend so it was really nice.

Then Dave and I were supposed to hang out Saturday night but by 6:30pm I hadn't heard from him which is unlike him. He called then and said that he had to handle some family drama and wouldn't be able to hang out. Which was fine. I just felt bad for him. As if he doesn't have enough to deal with. That guy can take on so much. It's crazy.

Sunday he took me to Da Silvano for lunch. SUCH a good meal! I would only eat vegetable if I could cook them the way that chef did. And I ate ferns. Fern stems that hadn't bloomed yet and were curled up and sitting in butter. Yummmm.

Had a greyhound and planned on only having one more of those and that would be it for alcohol, but noooooo...

Dave ordered a bottle of champagne that we split. That got me buzzed. We walked around SoHo, Little Italy, Chinatown and ended up at the Williamsburg bridge on South Street and walked along the water. It was really nice.

Then we met up with his friend Steve and a girl that was visiting him from out of town. Had 3-4 beers at that bar. Then we went to dinner and had two different wines there. I was drunk.

We had a great time. I was all-consumed with having "the talk" but it never happened and I'm over it. At one point I did bring up with him that I don't want to add any more stress to his already too stressful life and he said, "I just need you to be patient with me when I'm tired sometimes."

That one simple statement wiped out all of my stupid, girly overanalyzation. I was laughing to myself. I thought, "I can do that. No problem."

The only other thing I was wanting to talk about was if he saw potential in us but I know he does just by the way he talks. Eventually I'll need to hear the actual words come out of his mouth but I'm good for now.

NY is SO AMAZING right now! It's the springtime weather I've always heard so much about. Everyone is outside, smiling, looking good, eating at the outdoor cafes. Ahhhh, I'm in heaven right now.

Bad week

I started to freak out about my situation with Dave and had a couple of bad moments with him this week. I snapped at him on Tuesday night at dinner for no reason. Then this weekend we went out Saturday night and actually had a BLAST. Went to this great restaurant, Momofuku, with Pete, Crisi, Aaron & Beth. We got wasted though. Wasted.

Beth was so great to me. She was telling me that they hated his last girlfriend and she knows that Dave's life is really complicated which makes him frustrating to date but she said she wants me to hang in there because they like me so much. Felt so good to hear her say that. I thought it was so sweet.

I was frustrated when Dave and I got back to my place that night because I wanted to be with him so badly but he was too tired to have sex. And - as always - I understand as he spent the day busting through concrete in the ground behind his house to try and rebuild his deck and was up early in the morning and we didn't get home until 3am. But the fact remains that we don't have sex that often and it frustrates me.

So Sunday we went to brunch with Pete and Crisi. I was hungover and proceeded to have 5 drinks. Got drunk. And I can be a bitchy, moody drunk. I started thinking ahead to this summer when Dave's going to be busier than he is now and got really depressed.

In the car on the way home he could tell I was frustrated that he wasn't staying with me that night and said, "It's not like I'm running around getting drunk with friends." I know, I know. Then he apologized for being too tired Saturday night. I told him it's okay but I'm still frustrated. Then I asked him if he's going to be busier this summer than he is now because I need to prepare myself emotionally and he said yes.

I got really quiet. I told him I need a "state of the union" this week and I got pouty and left the whole great weekend on a sour note. I HATE that I did that - I feel really bad - but I was drunk and in my mood.

We've been dating for 2 months and he really could be it for me. I have no idea where his head is though. So I'm equally looking forward to chatting with him this week and also scared to death. One thing that will help us is for me to not get so freakin' wasted. I'll work on that.

What I'm going to tell him is that I understand the amount of pressure he's under and I certainly don't want to add to that. So I'm going to work on my attitude and try not to get pouty and pissy when he can't spend the night. I'm sure I will sometimes but I'm going to work on that part of my personality. But what I need from him is to know if he sees potential in "us" and if he's really hoping I'll hang in there with him. If he does feel that way then the frustration of dealing with his schedule and lack of energy will be worth it.

Because he's worth it. He's fucking amazing. I'm in HEAVEN when I'm with him and he'll be worth the wait.

I'm also going to tell him that what will help me get through the frustrating times is for him to send me a tiny text message that says, "miss you" or something like that. Would make my whole day. Just every once in awhile as a nice surprise. I'm a girl and I need to hear that shit every once in awhile.

Now - will I be able to get through this conversation without crying? Prooooobably not because I'm so fucking sensitive and nervous about it but we'll see.

Weekend update 4/9

Friday night I went to the gym after work then went home and waited for my work friend to call about maybe going out that night. "The Sound of Music" was on TV so I curled up on the couch and howled and yodeled for the next 1 1/2 hours. Work buddy never called but that was a good thing because I was exhausted.

I read "A Movable Feast" on Saturday. Really good book. Loved it. Then went to gym again and then went to see the Will Ferrell movie and it's hysterical! Loved it. Much better than "Anchorman" in my opinion.

Didn't get drinks after the movie...everyone wanted to go home which was fine with me because I wanted to go to church for Easter Sunday for some reason. Haven't been to church since high school (except for weddings/funerals) and I was just in the mood.

So I Googled "Methodist church West Village" and found one on 7th Avenue and went. It was soooo interesting. It's a church that's very liberal and open to everyone which I liked. So there was a good ethnic mix, gays are welcome, etc. Two homeless guys were there and they kept getting up during the service. One obsessively combed his hair the whole time.

They had interpretive dancers, hip hop dancers, 4 different ministers. The Latino minister sounded just like Stimpy from "Ren & Stimpy" so I was having to supress my laughter which works really well in church. He would say something like, "The jjjoy I feel wif Hay-sus in my liiife..." and I would think, "Telllll me a story..." (the famous Stimpy line).

I sang, "Christ is Risen" and other songs who's lyrics I don't agree with. There was a guy playing the electric guitar in bad Santana-style. They had the "meet the person next to you" thing but it lasted 10 minutes and I swear I met everyone in the church. One woman hugged me. Then they had a "if you're a visitor please stand up" moment. Ugh. So I stood up and then they said, "If you feel comfortable please introduce yourself to the congregation."

Aaaaaand I sat down.

The main sermon was pretty good (read: short) and he didn't preach. He admitted that he sometimes has a hard time with the whole "resurrection of the body" part which I thought was interesting.

Anyway...lovely experience. Don't think I'll be going back there anytime soon but I'm glad I did it.

Then I ate brunch at Grey Dog's and got the Times and read about a photo exhibit in the Arts & Leisure section so I decided to go because it was closeby in Chelsea. The pictures were just okay. She's been to some of the same places as me and she literally had one photo that was EXACTLY like one of mine but it's not an interesting picture so I didn't understand why it was included.

They had two floors dedicated to art about the Dalai Lama and I bought a book in the bookstore called "The Quantum and the Lotus" about how physics and Buddhism aren't mutually exclusive. Reason & Faith. I've always been interested in that stuff.

Love how I started the day at a Methodist church and ended it on Buddhism. WTF?

I then proceeded to search 4 different drug stores for Cadbury eggs because I treat myself to a 3-pack every year but they were all out. So I got 2 of the Reece's eggs and then a caramel Cadbury egg. Then later in the day I got a piece of carrot cake.

Can we saaaaaay PMS?

Dave was at his parents all weekend so I didn't get to see him but we're hanging out tomorrow night. Was good to miss him a little bit. Okay a lot. Am dying to see him.

Our website finally has a launch date of May 8th! Yay!!!!!

yay :)

I was a little disappointed earlier this week because Dave hadn't invited me to his parent's place in upstate NY for Easter. I knew he was going up there and not that it's 100% expected at this point that he should invite me but it's pretty close.

Wednesday night we went to dinner at Freeman's (where we had our first date) and he brought it up and said that he wanted to bring me up there but there are so many family members staying at his parent's place that I'd be sleeping on the floor. He's on either the floor or a couch as it is. So that made me feel better :)

We had a great night Wednesday night. Fun conversation where you're sharing funny stories of stupid stuff you did as a kid, etc.

I'm liking him more and more. I feel so safe with him and he makes me laugh and makes me want to be a better person. He treats me so well. He's the most responsible guy I've ever met besides my dad. The safest I've felt in my adult life is when he comes up behind me and holds onto me and puts his chin on my shoulder and kisses my neck. Heaven.

My other favorite thing he does is he'll grab a couple of my fingers and put them to his lips as if my fingers were a pen or something and he's thinking deeply about something. He'll kiss them and just hold them there. I love when he does that.

Please forgive me. I'm in lala land....

Won't get to see him as he's leaving tonight for his parents house but it'll be good to miss each other.

I may go out with a co-worker tonight and then perhaps see a movie tomorrow and then I might go to church on Easter Sunday. We'll see. Depends on if I go out Saturday night. For some reason I'm in the mood to get a speech about being a good person.

Wonder what I'm subconsciously feeling guilty about?

Weekend update 4/3

Dinner with Dave Friday night. Poor boy got up at 4:30am that morning and worked all day and then met me for dinner and we were up until about 1am. I don't know how he does it. His work isn't going to let up anytime soon and if anything is going to get busier which stinks because that means I won't get to see him that much. And when I do I'm getting the last ounce of juice he has in him for the day.

Doesn't make for great sex.

I'm very impatient by nature and am going to try and work on that part of my personality so I don't get too frustrated. He can't help it. He started his company about 3 years ago and has to work his ass off to get it going. PLUS, his dad is his partner so his parent's retirement is tied up in this company too. So he has just a LITTLE bit of pressure on him.

I'm lucky I get to see him at all and am flattered that he pushes himself to ensure we do have time together.

Saturday I slept late then worked out and then met up with my friend Amy for drinks which was fun. A guy came up to her and said, "I've been wanting to talk to you all night. But I'm leaving now." And left. What the fuck? Men....

Sunday I slept until 2:45pm! I guess I was tired from having Dave over Friday night and not sleeping well. I'm getting better at actually catching some zzz's when Dave spends the night but it takes some getting used to.

So I just read the Times and then watched "Planet Earth" and "The Apprentice" and went to bed.

Weekend update 3/26

This weekend wasn't exactly what I thought it would be but it was still a good time. Dave, Pete and I drove to the Asbury Park area in New Jersey to stay at their friend TJ's house for the weekend. It was time for them to bottle what's left of their grenache and all of their pinot noir.

TJ's wife wasn't there until the last night because her mom was sick. So it was just me and the 3 boys. I thought it was going to be a huge group of people. But that's fine with me. I love hanging out with the boys.

Friday night Dave was really stressed and tired. Had a shitty day. So we just had some beer, pizza and the boys smoked pot and we went to bed early.

Saturday morning Pete made us breakfast and we sat around for a few hours and then the guys started sterilizing the wine bottles. I sat and watched/read the paper.

We played ping pong. I forgot how much I like playing. Must get a table whenever I have a house. Then we started siphoning the wine from the big jugs into the wine bottles. I helped with that. They even made labels...had the cork machine...foil wrappers...whole deal. So cute.

They made a GREAT meal Saturday night. Cornish hens that they deep fried...grilled veggies and twice baked potatoes. And tons of wine to drink of course. I swear it's magical wine because it tastes good, gets you drunk but none of us were hungover. FINALLY. The perfect drink.

Kristin - TJ's wife - was able to join us Saturday night. Dave said she's one of his favorite people and I can see why. She's so nice and we really got along. We played darts after dinner while the guys finished bottling the wine.

Then we all stayed up late drinking and talking and listening to music. It was fun but the last hour I was dying to get Dave in bed as the sexual tension had been building all day. I swear I feel like a 17-year old guy sometimes. But I wasn't going to be the one to end the evening. Finally Dave did :)

Sunday morning he made french toast (I'm so spoiled) and then we headed back home.

It's starting to unnerve me a bit that Dave's literally perfect. There's NOTHING wrong with this guy. He knows something about everything. He's so thoughtful. He's funny as hell. His personality reminds me of Ed Burns. The way he and his friends are with each other is a lot like that. Cracks me up. He treats me like a queen.

It may sound stupid but I'm having a hard time accepting it all. He gives SO much and I don't know how to give back. He won't let me pay for things. He can cook; I can't. I'll finish my breakfast and he'll grab my plate and clean it. I'm like, "I can DO it, babe!" This is what I've always wanted and DESERVE and now that I have it I don't know how to deal with it. Ha. Love it.

My Gym

I've finally accepted the fact that I'm going to be in a relationship with Bally's Gym for a really long time. I'm one of the idiots that signed a 3-year contract and then couldn't get out of it in the way they said I'd be able.

I'm sure I could just not pay the bill and have a small blemish on my credit report which really wouldn't matter to me, but I've actually gotten used to going to the gym so it's fine. They win.

What cracks me up are some of the regulars that go there.

You've got your married couple that wear lame-ass matching outfits. They wear those wrestling type jackets so that they'll sweat more. Both sport fanny packs, however I've never seen them access the contents.

You've got the girl that thinks she has a better body than she does so she flashes WAY too much flesh. Just wears a sports bra-type top and low-rider spandex pants so that her massive, pale-skinned gut hangs out.

You've got the tiny Asian chick that weighs about 80 lbs. and therefore can't do more than 5 minutes of cardio or she'll faint.

You've got the girl that can't stick to a machine. This girl drives me nuts. She'll do 10 minutes on one elliptical. Then switch to another one. Then go to the treadmill for 5 minutes. Then back to an elliptical. WTF? Just stay on a machine. They're allllll the same, babe.

You've got the Bally's trainers that don't have any clients because they haven't been able to con any members into paying $2,000 for shitty "customized" training. So they hang out and do breakdancing moves in the middle of the floor.

And lastly, you've got the poor, fat lady that walks for about 10 minutes on the treadmill at 2 mph...sweats up a storm...and then says, "Phew! Damn! I'm done!" Love her. You go girl. Gotta start somewhere.

There's more but I'll stop here. I love people watching at my gym.

Weekend update 3/19

Friday night my work friend, Ramin, invited me to a poetry reading. A friend of his was involved somehow. I was looking forward to it as it would be something different to do but Friday was the wintery day from hell in NYC. It was sleeting ALL DAY LONG. I worked from home that day and just listened to it slamming against my window ALL DAY LONG.

Dave had agreed to go with me - I love how he's up for anything - but by the end of the day I wanted to bail on the poor poetry reading and just go to dinner. It didn't start until 10:30pm which is tough on a Friday night (how fucking old AM I?).

So we officially bailed and went to a great new restaurant called Trestle in Chelsea. Then he spent the night and had to leave at 8am the next morning to get work done so that he'd be able to hang out for St. Patty's Day.

We met up around 4pm and went to Bleecker Street Pub/Bar/whatever the third word is. His sister's boyfriend is the manager there. It was perfect because it wasn't too crowded and we didn't have to pay for many of the beers.

So I got to meet the sister, Sandy, and we got along famously. She's a cool chick. Grew up with brothers so we have the same attitude about how annoying most women are, etc. I caught Dave staring at me a couple of times when Sandy and I would be laughing about something and then we'd just stare at each other for a good 10 seconds and smile. Good times...

So we drank there for a couple hours and then went to a place called Schiller's to get some grub. The place looked familiar but I couldn't place it and then later realized that's where Idiot Notre Dame boy Dan took me after I spent the night at his place this one time. Haha....

After Schiller's (where I had the BEST freakin' cocktail... raspberry/mint/rum/somethingorother) we went back to the bar and it was packed by this point but the Bar Stool Gods were on our side because within 5 minutes the people right in front of us left and we got to sit at the bar. Perrrrrrfect.

Sandy told me that she thinks I look like Mandy Moore. Which was so funny because Dave's girl friends said the same thing to me. Then Dave said he thinks I look like a combination of Ellen Pompeo and Diane Lane. Which cracked me up because I didn't know that he had even thought about it. He doesn't watch TV or movies that much so he doesn't really know anyone. He didn't know who Mandy Moore was.

We kept drinking until about 11:30pm and Dave was about to pass out. Not from being drunk (I swear the boy never gets drunk) but just from being tired from working hard/playing hard.

We went back to my place and just spooned all night because the poor boy was exhausted. Fine with me...

Sunday he didn't have to work so we got brunch at Grey Dog's which for once wasn't crowded (thank you very much, St. Patty's Day hangovers)...ate there and then got the paper and came back to the apartment and read the Times for a few hours. Then we saw "Zodiac" which was good but so fucking long. I had no idea it was going to be that long. Then we grabbed dinner at a really good Greek restaurant across the street from my apartment.

We finally had the chat about ex-girlfriends/boyfriends so I had to come clean about how I basically HAVE no ex-boyfriends. When I was finished I said, "I hope that didn't freak you out" and he said, "No, it's hard to freak me out."

What's weird is that I didn't tell him about Joe but not because I didn't want to but he literally didn't even enter my thoughts. I didn't realize I left him out until I saw an email from a friend of mine this morning. Haven't talked with her in awhile and she asked about Joe. Then I thought, "God, I didn't even tell Dave about him."

Don't know what that says about me...that I can completely forget something like that. Whatever...

From Dave and I's conversation I wasn't quite clear on how ready he is to settle down. We've only been dating for a month so we're so not there yet but if he's the type that's not going to get married until he's 50 then that's something I need to know. He did comment on how he completely understands how women feel their biological clocks ticking and that's why the really start wanting to settle down when they're in their 30's. But I wasn't sure if he was saying he's not ready for that or not.

Whatever...I'm just going with it for now. He and I are going to New Jersey this coming weekend for the latest bottling of the wine that he and his friends make. Should be fun.

Hot Actor Boy Jeffrey Returns...

I feel like Carrie from "Sex & the City" when she was starting to get serious with Berger but was still having occasional phone sex with Big.

I'm getting serious with Dave and I just got an email from Hot Actor Boy Jeffrey that said:

You were in my dream last night. We weren't getting
it on, but we were about to...

So as per our routine, I'm supposed to retort with something sexual. Since our emails are so infrequent I'll probably just send him a "quickie" and then I won't hear from him for a couple months.

Men.

I'm Done

I just had dinner with Dave and.....I'm done. He's the one. I'm in love with him. Signed, sealed, delivered. He's it.

It's nothing specific that I can site, but just an overall feeling. An accumulation of everything he represents. I want to be with him all the time and when I'm not I'm counting the minutes until I will see him again. I just got home and I'm doing it already. Won't see him again until Friday night and I can't wait.

And now I'm freaked out. What if he doesn't feel the same way? That's my initial freakout moment, but I'm good at calming myself the fuck down and realizing that all I can do is be myself and hope that's enough. He might not be at the same place but hopefully he will be someday.

I made sure to mention tonight that it bothered me that he was self-deprecating this past Sunday night when I said I was really excited about us and he said something like, "Eh, be careful. This is me you're talking about."

I said that I wanted to make sure he knew that I thought he's wonderful. That he's great. And he acted like he didn't remember it going down exactly like that (defense mechanism) and accepted my compliment and said that he thinks I'm great as well.

I'm just glowing....

Weekend update 3/12

I can't believe it's March 12th, 2007.

But anyway.

Dave, and I are progressing nicely. I'm SO excited about him! We had a really great weekend. Friday night we ate dinner at a tapas place right near my house. Got into more intimate-type conversation. Instead of dismissively saying, "I have a fucked up sibling" or whatever we actually revealed specifics, etc. He looked so good that night. He came home with me and spent the night and we had our coffee/couch talk in the morning. He told me funny stories about this guy he was partnered with when he was steamfitting (laying pipes). He's met the most interesting people...

Saturday night he had to work so I went to a couple of birthday parties. One for Stevie Nix and then one for my roommate's friend at a bar called Lava Gina. Gotta love it.

Sunday Dave and I had a PERFECT day. Went to the Met and wandered around for a couple hours until they closed. He and I have the same taste in art. And of course he worked on the renovation of the Met so he had some cool stuff to tell me about the building. He so damn interesting I sometimes wonder why he's not bored with me yet.

We're good at holding hands and looking at stuff and then separating and going our own way for awhile and then reconnecting. There would be times that we'd be separated and say I was standing there by myself...he would come up behind me and walk by me, grazing me, hand trailing on my butt and then would just keep walking and we wouldn't even look at each other. Then I'd find him later and do it back to him. So hot!

Then he took me to this great Italian restaurant, Baraonda. We feasted because neither of us had eaten all day. Salad, gnocci, sea bass, tirimisu, great wine (he hasn't picked a bad wine yet). More good conversation.

Then he took me to The Campbell Apartment which is the most amazing bar/lounge I've ever seen in my life. It's in Grand Central Station. It was so romantic and you just feel the history sitting there. More good conversation. Tasted some fun cocktails. He came back to my place again and left this morning. He "slept in" until 6am. The boy has to get up so early for work. Crazy.

At The Campbell Apartment he asked me "what do I think of all this?" After a second I realized he was asking what I thought about he and I. I said I think he's amazing and I haven't been this excited about someone in a long time and then he was self-deprecating and said something like, "Nah, be careful. This is me you're talking about." I wish he hadn't done that. Not the time to be self-deprecating. It's the time to take the damn compliment. I was nervous and didn't pick up on it like I should have so I let it go and basically said that I was having a really good time with him and he said the same.

We're in a great place. Really enjoying each other and are taking it as it comes. Not putting pressure on it. It's so easy with him. No games.

My mom asked me today if I had taken my Match.com profile off yet. I hadn't yet but am going to right now. Sign of faith in he and I...

Not this weekend but next weekend we're driving to south Jersey to spend the weekend with all of his friends because they're bottling the latest wine that they've made. He said it's really fun. They make big meals, drink the wine and just hang out and have fun. It sounds great.

Ahhhhhhhh...this feels so good! To be in a healthy, adult relationship for once. They actually exist people!

Belt loop

Had dinner last night with Dave at my new favorite restaurant, Zoe, in Soho. I went there for Thanksgiving with my parents and we loved it. Have been wanting to go back ever since to see what their regular food is like. SO good!

It was a great night. We needed it. Just the two of us. His omnipresent friends......not present.

Good food, good wine, good conversation. We moved to the bar after we finished our long dinner so that we could soak up every minute we had together before he had to go back to work. As we sat next to each other he put his hand around my waist and he tugged at my belt loop and that small gesture sent shivers throughout my body. He just does it for me.

His company is rebuilding the infrastructure of Macy's Herald Square and all the construction guys are working nights since the store's still open during the day so he has to go there to make sure they're on the ball. We were cursing the fact that he had to go to work.

We're going to hang out again tonight but he doesn't have to go back to work.

Sweeeeeet.... [insert emoticon of devil-ish face]

Crappy Picture of Dave

Here's the picture I had to go on in Dave's match.com profile. Can barely tell what he looks like but it's something...

"Dave and Stacey"

Had my 5th date with Dave this weekend. It lasted 24 hours :)

At one point mid-Sunday his friend Pete was on the phone with another of their friends who had asked who he was hanging out with. Pete replied, "It's Chrissy and I and Dave and Stacey." It just hit me that we're already "Dave and Stacey" and that didn't freak me out.

Sat. night we went to dinner with 3 other couples. Met at his friends Aaron & Beth's who have an apartment at Grammercy Park. They're so cute. Married. Have all the perfect Crate & Barrell cheese knifes, wine carafe's, etc. Had a nice cheese/oyster spread for us. Went to dinner at this french restaurant that was annoying/hysterical. Annoying because we had a reservation but apparently that didn't matter. Hysterical because our waiter was high on something and was bouncing around the restaurant yelling strange things. Jumped ON TOP OF OUR TABLE when he was seating us and shouted something inaudible. At least my sea bass was good.

When we were waiting for a table Aaron and Beth were talking Dave up to me. Saying he was one of their favorite people and he's the greatest guy, etc. I love that.

Went to Fanelli's cafe in Soho afterwards after the line at Merck Bar was too long for us. Then he came back to my place. He said, "There's no place I'd rather be right now." Awwwwwwwww........ Then he pinned me against the wall. Yeah, baby!

Sunday morning we sat on the couch and he was telling me a little bit about the different places he's travelled. In the Navy he had to go to Yemen where there was a revolution/coup happening. Crazy stuff. He's so interesting to talk to.

We got brunch at Spotted Pig with Pete & Chrissy and ended up moving to the bar after our meal was done and stayed there from 11am - 5pm. It was really fun. Then we thought it would be a good idea to crash Aaron and Beth's place all buzzed and giggly and hung out there for a little bit and then went back to Pete's apartment to order food and I finally got home around 8:30pm.

He's...just...GREAT! He's strangely perfect for me. He makes me feel wonderful. But he doesn't overdo it. I'm not starving for his affection nor am I wanting him to back off a little. It's like he knows exactly what I need/want. He keeps my ego in check. He finds my quirkiness amusing. He can handle my little sassy comments without getting sensitive. I love that his family and friends are really important to him. He babysits his nephew all the time.

We're at this fun point where we can't stop touching each other whether it's holding hands or him petting my hair or rubbing my back or whatever. If we're hanging out with other people we're both secretly wanting them to leave so we can sneak a kiss or two in. Then when it happens we get caught and made fun of - as we should.

I asked him about his match.com profile that's no longer active and he said he took it off. I asked him how long he was on there and he said a week and a half. He was drunk with friends when he put it up there and I was the only person he emailed and met. Of course my smart ass replied, "Well, you lucked out." His friends were talking about an upcoming trip in July and he said, "If you're still talking to me in July you're coming."

I'm just so excited about him! This is something big for me...

Oh, and Friday night I finally watched "March of the Penguins" despite my extremely irrational fear/hatred of the creatures in the hopes it would cure me.

I didn't. I'm sorry but they're just fuckin' freaky.

Last night

Went to a dinner last night with Dave, his friend Pete (bday boy), Pete's girlfriend, Pete's parents, and another couple. I'm smitten with Dave. He's such a solid guy and he makes me laugh. The more I get to know him the more I like him. Last night he revealed that he and Pete get in fights over politics because Pete doesn't vote and that drives Dave nuts. Dave's the type that makes sure to read the news everyday because he feels it's his responsibility to be an educated voter. Whatever - it's a small thing but all of those small things add up.

He's from New Canaan, CT and was a competitive swimmer when he was younger. He mentioned that he competed in Amsterdam when he was 14 years old but all the other guys were 16-18 years old. Pretty impressive, but he says it like it's not a big deal. Humble. He went to college for a year and decided that it wasn't for him and he'd rather travel around the world with the Navy. So he was in the Navy for 5 years.

We're going to have dinner Saturday night with Pete & his girlfriend and the other couple. I'm at the point now where Saturday seems SO far away and I can't believe I have to wait that long to see him again. [smile]

Weekend Update 2/25

Friday night I rented "Idiocracy" and finally stopped by this BBQ place I pass everyday as I walk home from work and had a really good pulled pork sandwich. The guy was so cool too because my meal was under $15 so I couldn't use a card and I didn't have enough cash. So he said, "Eh, just come back tomorrow and pay." Pretty cool of him. When I went back Saturday to pay he recommended some other good neighborhood restaurants that are cheap but have good food. Love it!

Saturday night I went out with Dave from match.com again. It was his friend Pete's birthday so they had a group going to one of those Medival Times places. I was supposed to meet them at the Port Authority to catch the bus to NJ but I missed it. Long story but I finally made it there.

His friends are great. Really great group of people. Says a lot about Dave. And the Medival Times place was hysterical of course. Then we went to a bar for more drinking...and then to Pete's apartment for...more drinking. The sexual tension between Dave and I was building all night long. I'm SO attracted to him. He's so affectionate. I love it. And the BEST kisser!!! Phew. I hate it when you have to train someone.

So I was drunk and we stayed in Pete's guest room and I had sex with him. I probably shouldn't have but I seriously couldn't help myself. He just knows what he's doing and we're a perrrrfect fit. Feels so good.

I'm on a total high now. He's really great. I love his personality. Great smile. Sparkle in his eye. Motivated. Has his shit together. Makes me laugh. I'm excited :) Which means he probably won't call now. I was embarrassed because I had this freaking HUGE pimple on the side of my mouth. So attractive. I hid it well with makeup but in the morning...notsomuch.

We got breakfast this morning and are supposed to do something this week. He dropped me off and I proceeded to watch about 5 hours of Sex & the City on DVD (thank you, Carrie & Remi) and now I'm watching the Oscars. Laaaazzzzzzy day.

Weekend Update 2/20

Friday night I had a date with Dave from Match.com. He has a really cool personality. Easy to be around and a smart ass. I had fun, but for some reason I couldn't be 100% myself. There were definitely a few times where I said something and it didn't really reflect who I am or what I'm about. And I would laugh to myself. I think he did the same thing too. I hate 1st dates.

Saturday I started to feel sick. Was supposed to have dinner with my friend Amy and some others and I was looking forward to it. I thought I could tough it out but by the time I was at the restaurant my heart was beating double-time, my hands were shaking, I was nauseous and as I ran to the bathroom tears started streaming down my face. I don't know what the hell it was. Earlier in the day I had a headache and was nauseous. Ugh...

So I excused myself and went right back home (luckily it was literally 2 blocks away). Stayed home all day Sunday. It was my roommate's birthday but I was exhausted and I already celebrated it last weekend so I didn't feel bad staying home.

Monday the Dave guy from Friday night texted me to see if I wanted to grab a late lunch. I forgot to mention that he called me Saturday afternoon to say he had fun. Nice move. I hadn't called him back yet because I was sick and just not in the mood to talk. His text said, "I'm playing hard to get. Wanna get a late lunch?" I thought that was funny.

My Treo was dying to I bought a new cell phone. It's SO cool! I ditched the whole PDA thing although this new phone is still pretty swanky, but at least I saved $100. Then I met up with Dave and two of his guy friends ended up joining us. It was so much fun to hang out with 3 guys! I miss that.

Weekend Update 2/12

Friday night was fun but pathetic. It was my roommate's birthday celebration. Went to a bar called Secret (stupid name). Annette is really good at introducing me to people so I met a lot of her friends. Met a straight girl and because I'm Annette's roommate she assumed I was a lesbian. I could tell she really didn't want to talk with me and thought she just must be tired or something. Then she discovered that I'm not gay and lit up and said, "Oh! Hi! Nice to meet you!" It was funny.

I had 4 vodka/tonics and a little orange shooter thing the cute, gay bartender made me. I hadn't eaten that much during the day so I got really drunk. Was dancing with the bartender (always a sign the night needs to end). There was a really hot photographer guy there but I didn't meet him until the end of the night so I'm sure he thought I was annoying.

Annette and I got a slice of pizza and went home. I proceeded to throw up. Lovely. I was literally in bed all day long. Couldn't even drink water until about 3pm. Such an idiot.

My match.com date from Wednesday night texted me to see if I wanted to get a drink but I was too hungover. I managed to make it to my coworker Brian's party in Park Slope though. But not until after 11:30pm. Annette convinced me that I needed to go in case I could meet some cool people. Good point. So I rallied and it was exactly what I thought it would be. I saw the two guys I work with and the host of the party was busy...hosting...and the other one would rather eat his own foot than small talk with me and vice versa.

So I walked into the crowd over literary snobs and just didn't have it in me to try and break my way into one of the cliques. So I sat in a chair and drank a beer and then left.

Sunday morning I bought the Times, a banana and a bagel. Later on I saw "Because I Said So" and it was HORRIBLE!!! God! So damn bad! I was so pissed off sitting there. Then I went to Little Italy to a restaurant for some Chicken Parmesianga. Yummmmm...

Telly Savales Video

This is one of the most disturbing things I've ever seen. Just love that I was born in this decade...

Weekend update

On Friday my friend Eric emailed me and said that he wanted to come crash with me in NY for Super Bowl weekend. His wife was going to be out of town you see and he didn't want to watch it all by himself in Boston. They moved there about a year ago but he doesn't have many friends.

Friday night I had a match.com date that was just eh. And the guy sort of tried to kiss me...or at least have a "moment"...at the end of the date which was out of place given the casual nature and length of the date. I hate when guys try to get a kiss when it's completely inappropriate. He asked me if I'd want to go out again and of course I said yes even though I don't want to.

Eric arrived on Saturday afternoon. We went to Corner Bistro for burgers (so damn good) and had a beer there. Then we went to another bar for awhile and drank some more. We went back to my apartment and I was SO tired and just wanted to go to bed. It was 8pm. Fuck.

And I couldn't bail on him because he's married with an 8 month old kid so this is his weekend to "go crazy." [sighhhhh] Okayyyyyy. So we go to Chumley's and Eric proceeds to annihilate himself. He was talking with everyone in the bar. Forcing them to go check out the shitty jukebox (it was shitty, but still...) and telling them that China sucks. I don't know why China sucks but far be it for me to try and actually get a straight answer out of him when he's on his 12th beer.

Man, China sucks.

Finally, by 1:30am he wants to go home and pass out. He stumbles the one block to my place (thank God we didn't go farther away). I tuck him in to the couch and go to my bed. He comes in there and I get out of the bed and say, "Eric, what are you doing?" and he crashes in the middle of my bed.

Asshole.

So I slept on the couch.

Sunday we go get brunch at one of my favorite places, The Cupping Room, in Soho and then met up with our friend Boob/Mischievious Boy (all of my LA friends have weird nicknames). We met him in LA but now he lives back in NY.

Eric had two bloody mary's at brunch and then drank some beers at this bar. We get a cab to go back to my place to shower before the Super Bowl and in the cab he just all of a sudden pukes. We were stopped at a light and he tried to open the door but still got some of it on the cab door.

Eric and the cab driver proceed to have a screaming match in the middle of the street. I could tell Eric was trying to get the guy to hit him by the way he was yelling at him. I was standing there like a helpless little lamb. The cab driver finally agreed to take $40.

My favorite part is that about 5 minutes into it a woman in an SUV decides it's a good idea to roll her window down and say to the two, big, screaming men, "This is a really bad intersection...you're clogging traffic."

No shit, lady.

Eric and I went to the sports bar by my place to watch the game. Immature Notre Dame boy, Dan, was there with a couple of his friends. My roommate came with a girl she's dating and a couple of their friends which was fun. Eric drank more at the bar. I was amazed. I could never puke and then keep drinking. Ugh. Good for him though.

Dan and I talked some. It was good. And he only hit on me a couple of times so we're getting better. At the end of the night he didn't even hug me and said, "Good luck."

"Good luck?"

Gee, thanks. Guess that means I won't be hanging out with you guys anytime soon.

Last weekend/This weekend

Last weekend I went to a sketch comedy show at PIT but it wasn't very good. Was supposed to join everyone for dinner afterwards but it would've been about $60 (for BBQ no less) and I just didn't feel like spending the money. So I got takeout instead. One of the best inventions ever.

Saturday I saw "Pursuit of Happyness" and it was just okay. I totally want to buy a rubic's cube now.

I bought a bottle of wine. Had a couple glasses at home, watched "Save the Last Dance" for the 27th time and then went outside and stalked a couple bars to see if any cute guys were inside. Finally settled on one that I've had luck at before and sat down next to two cute guys. Ordered my beer and then saw they were both wearing wedding rings.

Perfect.

So I downed my beer...left...bought ice cream and went home and watched the end of "Titanic" and at the entire pint.

The cute 27-year old I had met a couple weeks ago emailed me on Friday and asked what I was up to. I told him I had plans Friday night but was free the rest of the weekend......and I never heard from him.

Anyway...Sunday I went to MoMA to see the Manet exhibit about the execution of Maximillian. It was really interesting. Then I went to the International Center of Photography to see a Henri Cartier-Bresson exhibit which was great. I love this city...

Monday Matt (cute 27-year old) emailed me and FINALLY asked me out for this weekend. Said he'd be in touch later in the week to pick a night. And here it is Friday-eve and I haven't heard from him. So I booked a date for tomorrow night and I have another guy waiting for Saturday night. If he doesn't email me by noon tomorrow then I'm booking Saturday night too. He's gonna have to learn the hard way.

Listen to me. Jesus.

Correction

I just bought a ticket through Fandango to see "Pursuit of Happyness" and it's actually $1.50 service charge not $1.00.

Fuckers.

Bucket of soda anyone? A barrel of popcorn, perhaps?

At the end of my work day today I decided to go to the movies to see "Notes on a Scandal" which was pretty good but that's not the point of this blog entry.

I knew the ins and outs of all my movie theaters in LA and it's been an adventure getting to know the theaters here. Union Square is where you go to see the big budget movies but you MUST buy tickets on Fandango (and spend an extra $1/ticket) ahead of time because anything good is always sold out. THEN you have to get there at LEAST 30 minutes before the movie starts to get in line outside the theater door if you have any hope of landing a seat that's not in the first row all the way to the right.

But what if you want to buy snacks? Oh, you have to get there even 20 minutes EARLIER to stand in THAT line. The smallest soda size you can buy is of course a "small" but it's a 32 OZ. BUCKET OF SODA for $4.25!!!

What the FUCK?!?!

Who wants to drink a bucket of soda and then sit still for 2 hours? I'm scared to see what the large soda looks like. Maybe they took the old large-sized popcorn barrels they don't need anymore (because that size is just to embarassingly small to sell these days) and used those for the large sodas.

Maybe I'll do "Super Size Me Part 2" and live in the Union Square movie theater for 30 days and only live off of what they sell there. I'll record my slow demise as I become glued to the toilet, be perpetually damp from all my tears representing what life with vegetables used to be like...oh, and I'll be homeless on Day 31 because it'd cost a month's rent to afford the "food" there (I just did the math on a calculator).

So for a Union Square flick I've learned that I have to leave my apartment at least 1 1/2 hours before the show starts to have any chance of a happy experience.

Fuckers.

I was hoping the Angelica theater near work would be better. And it is better in that I didn't have to get there early but those bitches tempt you with the widest assortment of beautiful baked goods I've ever seen in my life. Anything you could possibly want. Cookies, brownies, cakes, pies, danishes, bagels, etc. You name it, they got it. And of course for a low, low price.

Since I actually got my ass out of bed at 6:45am this morning and braved the cold to go to the gym I thought it best not to ruin that effort it took to burn 500 calories by eating a lemon bar. Excuse me...a lemon cinder block. It's seriously that big.

So I go downstairs where they have the regular snacks for people that like it old school. All I wanted was a coke and a small popcorn. I thought I had these NY theaters down pat and was prepared for my bucket of soda and barrel of popcorn but not at Angelica theater.

I was pleasantly surprised when the small-sized soda cup was actually pretty small. Excited, I ordered that and a small popcorn. Total was $3.85! No way! Sweet!

Got the cup (gotta fill it myself though - wouldn't want to put out the teenagers flirting behind the register) but no p'corn. Apparently, they didn't hear me. So it was $3.85 for a 12 oz. cup of soda! You've gotta be fucking KIDDING me! At least Union Square gives me a bucket to play with. There I feel like I'm at least getting something for my money. So much potential really. Wanna go fishing for Sour Patch Kids in my bucket of soda?

I hadn't had dinner so I asked for the popcorn and they tried to charge me $4.75 for a bag that would maaaaaybe contain 5 handfuls. I told them to forget it and acted all annoyed. Muttered to myself as I walked away, "I'll just starve I guess."

The point of this longass blog entry is to teach anyone who actually read this entire thing to buy your can of soda, chips and candy at the convenience store BEFOREHAND. I know the theaters make their money off of the snacks but it's totally out of control.

Hmmmm...now I'm thirsty. Where's my bucket?

Weekend Update

My weekend - as usual - wasn't as productive as I originally planned. Friday night I went to a cool bookstore in my neighborhood and bought a Noam Chomsky book and "In Cold Blood" as I've never read either. Then I ate dinner by myself at Doma - a new cafe I like. Then I just went home as I was exhausted. From what - I have no idea. Probably because I can't sleep. This has been going on for way too long. Need to see a doctor about it. But I digress. I turned my phone off just in case I got any late night calls.

Saturday morning I saw that I had a text from the NY Giants boy I met last weekend. He texted me with his apparent catch phrase, "What's the good word?" I saw that he had texted me at 12:39am the night before. Great. He just wants me to be a booty call. No thanks. I texted him back (as one never knows when a booty call can come in handy) but didn't hear from him the rest of the weekend.

I finally made it to the gym and then went to a friend's bday dinner in Queens and then we went to this club called The Pink Elephant. I wasn't in the mood but I didn't want to spoil the bday party so I went along for the ride. Plus, there was a cute Italian guy that came with us that had been eyeing me thoughout the dinner party - truth be told.

The music was so obnoxious. Just really not good. I met a guy from Israel that was a player but still had a sweet side. We had a nice conversation, he complimented me and then we parted ways. That never happened in LA so it's nice to just have conversations with people at bars and they actually listen to what you're saying. It's a whole new world, really.

Thank god the birthday girl was as tired as I was so I only had to stay until about 2:15am. At one point I literally couldn't even see because all of the lights were flicking on and off right in my face. People were smoking inside even though it's illegal now just to see if they can get away with it. Those are the really cool people. Girls dancing on bars and then making out with ugly guys. I just wasn't in the mood.

I slept until 2:30pm on Sunday. Nice. Hence my "less-productive-than-I-planned" weekend. I went to Century 21 and used a gift certificate from my sister to get a casual black purse. Love getting stuff for free! Then I walked to the movies to see "Pan's Labyrinth" and on the way I passed by this art piece that was about 300 dresser drawers this artist gathered in the from the mess after Hurricane Katrina. It was interesting...at least I saw SOME art this weekend. Had planned to go to a museum on Sunday but slept too late.

Went to Whole Foods to buy some groceries which made me so happy. It may sound stupid but I just haven't been myself so far in 2007. Recovering from the whole "Joe" episode I suppose. Just didn't have the energy or compulsion to take care of myself. Didn't want to work out, clean my room, eat right, etc. But now I have my Whole Foods groceries. Got up early this morning and did Pilates. Made myself breakfast. Feel much better!

And now I'm back at work acting like I have something to do - when I don't.

First snow!!!

It snowed a few times this week! So much fun to see snow!!! I know the novelty will wear off quickly when it all turns to black mush but for now it's still exciting.

So the boy I met Saturday night (the cute one that I like) didn't get in touch with me this week. I read a NY Times article about the NY Giants and how they have a new General Manager so I took it upon myself to use that as an excuse to email him. He emailed right back. I replied...and haven't heard back. I was hoping he'd ask me out for this weekend, but oh well.

Then the guy I hung out with this past Monday night - that I met on The Onion - of course called me on Wednesday to ask me out for this Sunday. He remembered that I wanted to go to some museums and thought I might want to go. So I emailed him back and said that I'm all booked this weekend.

He's literally so nice that's it's unsettling. I swear. I can't deal with people that aren't sarcastic at ALL or at least a little bitter...or something. He's just so smiley and nice. I can't handle it.

I bought two books tonight. Noam Chomsky's "Hegemony or Survival" and Capote's "In Cold Blood." I was embarrassed at work when someone made the statement, "Well, I just assume that everyone that's gone to college has read Chomsky." I had only heard the name but couldn't hold a conversation about him. After doing some research I was SO mortified that I didn't know more about this guy. Stupid college education. So I bought one of his books. And I've just never read "In Cold Blood" so I thought I'd give it a go.

Found a great coffee shop near my apartment - Doma. It has really good food and a great feel to it. I love my little cafes in my neighborhood. I love this city...

I've only been in my apartment for 4 months now (not even) and I'm so ready to live on my own. I have a roommate that could not be more perfect but everytime I hear her keys opening the lock I roll my eyes and sigh. I just want to be by myself when I get home! I want to unwind with wine and something fattening to eat and watch TV - by myself. The only other person I'd want to live with is my roommate from LA, Sarah, but she's still in LA. I'm not going to move anytime soon though. I have to see how my job's going to pan out.

My job is so boring I want to scratch my eyes out. I'm working on a website and it was supposed to launch in January but now it probably won't be until about mid-March. Which means I'll have nothing creative to do - and not much at ALL to do - until then. So two more months of bullshit logistical work.

I'm lucky to have a job and be living in NY, but I've never been one to settle. I'm going to stick it out through the launch and then some to really give it a solid chance. Fingers crossed things change.

Boy adventure this weekend

I had a great weekend.

Went to see "Freedom Writers" on Saturday afternoon which was better than I expected (I wasn't expecting much). Then I was in the mood to meet new boys. So I thought I'd go to Daddy-O's and check it out. I walk in and the only bar stool available was between two different couples on dates. I was like, "uh uh." So I went to Village Tavern next door instead. It was perfect. The NY Giants game was just beginning. I found an empty bar stool right smack in the middle of two groups of men. They were all hitting on me - it was fun. I ended up leaving there with two boys and we went to Joe's pizza for a slice. It was obvious I was getting along with one better than the other - so the other left and the guy that remained - Matt - and I went for one more drink. He's SO cute! We decided to call it a night so he gave me his business card and I left (he negotiates contracts for NY Giants players - very cool). Went straight back to Joe's pizza for another slice (so drunk) and I decide it'd be a good idea to text this cute boy I just met with a message reading, "I'm back at Joe's pizza eating again. Is that bad? This is Stacey..." Lord. So he immediately calls me and says that he can't get a cab and asks if I want to keep hanging out.

So cute. Turns out he was glad I texted him because he thought he fucked it up by not getting my number. So there you go. It's a good thing to be a pig and share that part of yourself with a boy you just met. Who knew? He meets me at the pizza place, eats my crust, and we go to Daddy-O's and now I'M one of the couples there. Haha. We were there until after 4am. I felt bad because I made him buy a drink because my friend said it's really good and we were both like, "Ugh..." It was gross. Whiskey.

We got a little kissy at the end of the night. Then Sunday he texted me saying he had fun (except for the disgusting drink) and I apologized for making him buy it and he said "it was worth it." He's so adorable. AND 27 YEARS OLD. I swear. He said a couple times though, "I swear I'm more mature than a normal 27-year old." We'll see...

On Monday I saw "For Your Consideration". Funny but sad because the characters' desperation is barely exaggerated. Then I met up with my first date from The Onion. He's cute, smart, easy going, such a gentleman, etc. but I'm not attracted to him. Plus, he walked me to my subway station after dinner and he's crippled or something. I entered the restaurant first at the beginning of the date so I didn't see him actually walk. I didn't ask him about it but felt like it was obvious I wasn't asking him about it. Oi. He left me a voicemail tonight asking me to go to a museum this weekend. Of course he calls and the other guy doesn't. I'll go out with him again and hope that he'll be cool with being friends. I have a feeling he has a really great group of friends that I could wiggle my way into.

This weekend was SO what I needed after all this Joe drama/tears. I just emailed Matt because I read in the NY Times today that they have a new general manager and he's black so it's a big deal. I hope he emails back...

The End Of Toronto Joe - Part 2

The next day we're hungover and lay in bed for way too long. But not in the way that I was envisioning where we were snuggling and trying to be with each other as much as possible physically since we wouldn't know when we'd see each other again.

It was more me staring at his back. He reached over to me a couple times but it just wasn't what I pictured. The reality was really starting to not live up to the fantasy. We finally motivate to get food. Conversation is very one-sided (my side).

We decide to head to his hometown for New Year's Eve. The parties in Toronto don't sound fun enough and we'd rather spend the evening with his family and close friends. So we take a train to Welland, ON. I was SO excited about this for two reasons. First, a few months earlier Joe had sent me the most romantic email I'd ever received. It was his vision of what it would be like for him to take a train from Toronto to NY to come and visit me. Second, we had talked/dreamed before about the future possibility of me meeting his family and seeing his hometown and experiencing all that entails. And now it was finally happening!

He was so distant though. It was like I wasn't even there. He just stared out the window of the train the entire 1 1/2 hour ride. I would lean my head on his shoulder and he wouldn't respond in kind. I would ask, "Is this bothering you?" and he'd say, "No" but wouldn't touch my arm or anything to physically say "It's not bothering me."

He had told me before about how much he hated high school. I noticed several slash mark-type scars on his wrist and asked him about it. He said, "Knife marks. I really hated high school." So I hugged him and he didn't hug back. Just sat there.

At first I was surprised by his distance and then frustrated. I didn't understand. I figured he was just so consumed with his poor financial status and the fact that he hasn't made it as a writer/actor/director yet that it was overwhelming him and he couldn't "be" with me. It was pissing me off. I wanted to shake him and say, "I'm HERE! Pay attention to me."

We got off the train and his brother wasn't there yet to pick us up. I tried to ask him if he was alright and he acted like he was totally fine and then looked at me as if something was wrong with me. That frustrated me more.

His brother is an amazing person. So funny and sweet and just as passionate as Joe. We had a great NYE night. It was his brother Kyle, sister Julie, her boyfriend and two friends of theirs. So just 7 of us sitting at their kitchen table in this tiny town called Welland - drinking, laughing and listening to music. No fuss, no muss.

Another reason I was excited to be with Joe for that holiday is that I had never had a true NYE kiss. It was always friends. Never had a boyfriend. So here I am. I'm finally in a relationship and the guy is hardly paying attention to me. So disappointing.

At one point we went around the table and shared what we were thankful for that year and Joe said, "The ONLY thing I'm thankful for this year is my family for helping me get through the Alena situation." Meanwhile, I'm standing right there. This girl that he met that year and said "I love you" to on several occassions. Me - he's not thankful for. I felt so rejected and humiliated.

But still - when it was my turn I said I was thankful for meeting Joe and being able to share my NYE with all of them.

We all get drunk. His parents come home from their party in Niagara Falls. They're so so wonderful. So laid back and caring and fun to be around and non-judgemental. Full of heart. Really great people. They made me feel so welcome. Much more than Joe did.

Everyone's going to bed. Joe whispers in my ear, "I'm going to smoke. Get upstairs and I'll meet you there." I was so desperate for his attention that I was excited at that comment. So I go upstairs, get undressed except for my sexy underwear that I had of course planned to wear that night about 2 weeks prior. He comes in, gets hard....and passes out. I was so pissed. Plus, he passes out in the middle of the bed so I hardly have any room and am a little squished against the wall. I try to push him over and he says, "Relax, we'll do it in the morning."

Gee.....can we? Would I be so lucky? Fuck off! I was so mad at this point.

BUT - in the morning I thought, "This is the last time we're going to have to lie in bed with each other" because I was going to the airport that afternoon. Joe didn't want to have anything to do with me. Sure he kissed me and all but it was only because I was initiating it - and lying on top of him.

He cooked me french toast for breakfast. I hung out with his family. We all had a great time talking. He and his brother gave me a tour of his hometown. I had dreamed of seeing all of the places he had told me about. His high school, places he had worked, etc. But it all seemed so empty because he just wasn't "there."

I said goodbye to his family and we had a long drive to the airport in Toronto. At least an hour drive. I so desperately wanted to ask him what the hell was going on but I didn't. I didn't want to cry in front of him and I knew I would if I brought it up. Instead I continued lavishing him with attention. It was pathetic at this point. I said, "You don't seem as affectionate as you used to be." He just said, "Huh. Really?" Fucker...

He walked me into the airport and stood in line with me. When we had to say goodbye I told him - with hesitation - that I loved him. I said he didn't have to say it back but it was just something that I had been wanting to say to his face for so long. He looked a little taken aback and said, "Luv you too, Stace." But he could've been saying that to a bowl of soup. There was nothing behind it.

I wanted to break down and cry but held it together.

I had to wait at the airport for 5 hours due to delayed flights. It was miserable. I just wanted to get back to NY so I could be in my bed and cry it out.

The day after I got back I emailed him a WAY too complimentary email stating all the reasons I loved him. Since he had asked me the first night I was there and I never got a chance to tell him. I also touched on the fact that he was distant when I was in Toronto.

He didn't reply for a week "due to a computer virus" but when he did he he said that he had never received an email of that magnitude but felt like he needed to tell me that he doesn't think we're meant to be. He was feeling overwhelmed and guilty when I was in Toronto because he could tell, see and feel how I was feeling and he wasn't feeling as strongly and just can't right now since he's still reeling from breaking up with his ex. He doesn't know when or if he'll be ready.

Then he said how great I am and hoped we could be friends.

I immediately replied saying that I felt he should've called me and said that - not emailed me but that it was okay and generally tried to make HIM feel better. That's just my nature.

After absorbing the email for a couple of days and talking with my mom and some friends about it I was so pissed off. Why the FUCK didn't he tell me this stuff BEFORE I came to visit??? He had said, "Luv you too" in a text message a few weeks before the trip so how was I supposed to know what he was feeling? He has no balls. I emailed him an angry email telling him off and I felt so much better.

That was over a week ago and I haven't heard from him thus proving the "he has no balls" theory. A friend of mine said that in her experience men with no money = men with no balls and I have to say that makes sense. Men with money at least have the power that comes along with that and have it to fall back on. It's an ego thing.

I hope Joe and I can be friends. He really is an amazing person. I don't just fall for anyone. But he's just too immature. And broke. And lives in Toronto. And isn't right for me. But I don't regret any of this because I had the time of my life this summer with him and I learned HUGE lessons for myself from this experience.

Now I'm finally moving on....thank God I DID visit him because if I hadn't then the fantasy could've gone on much longer (due to his lack of balls) and it just wasn't healthy.

The End Of Toronto Joe - Part 1

There are only a few times I can recall in my life when I was as excited as I was to visit Joe in Toronto for New Year's Eve 2006. This trip was 6 months in the making. We had both talked about it, dreamed about it and it was finally here.

I spent way too much time packing. Trying to envision different scenarios. One requires this type of necklace, this type of underwear, whatever.

I got to the airport and the flight was delayed. Of course. Why does that always happen when you're dying to get somewhere? Finally, we board the plane and then I was nervous, "What if the plane goes down and I don't get to see him?" This thought literally went though my mind. What am I on...crack?

I finally get there and he has a limo pick me up. So sweet! I'm grinning from ear to ear the whole ride to his apartment. I had envisioned the moment when I'd get to see him again a million times and it finally arrived and it...didn't live up to the fantasy of course. We kissed on the cheek and hugged but had to get my luggage out of the trunk and get to his apartment because it was cold outside.

I was a little nervous and I think he was too. I could tell he had already had a drink or two. We sat in his living room and had small talk conversation for awhile. After about 15 minutes he went to refill his drink and asked if I wanted anything. I said, "Well, you haven't even kissed me yet so a kiss would be nice." We kissed and it tasted like alcohol and cigarettes. But was still nice because I'm so attracted to him.

We continue talking for awhile, formulate a plan for the evening and decide to "take a nap." That lasted about 5 seconds and we had sex. It wasn't romantic at all. Just mechanical-I-haven't-seen-you-in-six-months-get-your-ass-over-here sex. We layed there for a little while and then freshened up for dinner.

A friend of his got us reservations at a great spot. Live jazz music and amaaaaaazing food. We had to wait for a really long time for our table but I was in no hurry. We were both smiling so big. So happy to see each other. When we were sitting at our table he made one of his "Joe" comments, "My mouth hurts from smiling so much!" I love how honest he is sometimes. We grabbed each other's hands across the table. I had envisioned that moment happening exactly like that. We chatted up the couple at the table next to us. We had a really great time talking with them. Joe told them about the bar we were going to visit after dinner called Resevoir that has great jazz music. Told them they should go.

We got to resevoir ourselves and see the couple there. Joe can charm/excite anyone on any idea. He and I are getting more and more drunk. We meet up with some friends of his that he works with at the hotel where he valets cars.

Joe gets into his drunk/self-deprecating/intensely complimentary mode. Tells me I'm beautiful every 5 minutes. And every time he says it I feel like he's never said it to another woman. Then he asks, "What could you possibly see in me?" and other versions of that question a few more times. He asked me in the cab as well. I didn't want to talk about it in the cab.

His friends came back to his apartment. We partied some more. Finally they left and Joe and I had sex. He likes it a little rough which excites me.

All in all - a good first day/night.