Another Cool Thing About Hong Kong is...

...they have bendy straws at every restaurant.

Some HK Photos

These are nothing spectacular. More informative than anything...

















My favorite bar so far. Best people watching spot and laid back people.

















Haven't been here yet but am so happy I have the option. I'm hoping the size -2 Asian chicks working there will inspire me to NOT buy one of their delicious, glazed pastries.




This is the Soho area where I live. Tons of bars, shops and restaurants.

































This is the largest outdoor escalator in the world. You can see the different sections going down the hill.
















I will NOT be hanging my clothes outside to dry. Luckily, I have a washer/dryer in my apartment. But it's all one machine. European apparently.














This is a little store right next to where I live so I'm excited about being able to get my fruit and quickie things easily.



This is the street where I'm going to live. Prince's Terrace. It doesn't look like much in this picture but there are cool galleries on either side and a cute little outdoor cafe there on the left. And since cars can't drive on this street it's really quiet which I love.












My front door

















I'm super close to the escalator. SO nice!


















And of course...never too far away from a Starbucks.

















I just liked this cluster of grafitti








































My neighborhood Blockbuster

















I'll never be able to completely leave LA...

















Was almost going to live on this busy street market. See the "Gage Street Market Lofts" sign in the top? The guy used to live in SoHo in NY and the lofts have exposed brick, etc. Pretty cool but unfurnished which I couldn't do.

















Cool building on Wellington Street



Also on Wellington Street. The menu states that the food is "in and around NY Deli style". Which probably means they'll put seared octopus on rye bread.

















Circle K duuuude! There are tons of Circle K's and 7-11's.



Pottinger Street. I get tired just thinking about going up those stairs. I usually opt for the escalator.












They're VERY into Halloween here. So excited! I wonder if they'll understand my Mary Catherine Gallagher costume. Probably not. I've always wanted to do Karen Walker from "Will & Grace" too but I have a feeling they'll just think I'm a whiny drunk.



Tons of overpasses everywhere



































In the same vein...tons of over-the-street walkways here. It's frustrating to try and figure out when the street's going to end and how to get up to the walkways. Sometimes it's the only way to cross the street. You can see the barricades there on the sidewalk. So you have to go into a big office building or mall and then find your way to the walkway. I will be very happy when I have this all figured out.






I know we've all seen funny Asian ads before but I couldn't resist putting a couple up. This one's my favorite so far.


"You're so dreeeeamy. I love you so much and I'm so attracted to you...but I...I...just can't stop eating this delicious ravioli with lobster and spinach."












I think these cute little guys are supposed to represent what you can get to eat at The Spaghetti House and I get three of them. Carrot, Tiramisu, soooomething that resembles a Christmas cupcake...and a slice of pizza. Apparently you're a little pig or cow whatever you eat. I've only seen ONE overweight Asian person since I've been here. ONE.








That's all for now. I'm going to meet my friend Cameron to watch my first rugby match. England vs. Australia. Supposed to be a big one!

HK Apartment!

I found a place! It's a 4th floor walkup but it's in a SUPER location. My new street is called Prince's Terrace... I love it!

Here are some pictures. I love the windows. When you look out them there's a small outdoor cafe and some galleries on the street below. And a pest control place across the street. Felt it was only fair to mention that.

























Standing in the kitchen looking into the living room

























Bathroom

























Bedroom
























From Living Room to Bedroom (I love the screen dividing the rooms)
























Kitchen
























Living Room

Apartment Hunting in HK

I have great apartment karma so I'm not too worried about finding a place. And I've never really had to look for an apartment because I've always heard about places from friends-of-friends so this is going to be an interesting process.

I have tons of agents looking for places for me. Yesterday I walked into this tiny, sweet Chinese woman's office and she showed me two apartments. Both were under 500 sq. ft. and both were under renovation. So there were concrete slabs, ladders, paint buckets, etc. everywhere. And she only had a key for one of them. So for one she said in her Chinese accent, "Look froo hole" and pointed to the hole where the doorknob was going to go.

I told her "thanks, but I need to keep looking."

Then there's this kid, Ridwan, who weighs no more than 80 lbs. that's helping me out. He's cool. He works for this guy that doesn't speak English and seems like an asshole. They dragged me all over town the other day and we're about to do it again today. Then I'm really excited to see an apartment on Gage Street which is the perfect location. Gage street is a traditional Chinese open market but it's still right next to the escalator and near all of my Western conveniences. And the guy that renovated the building used to live in SoHo in NYC and made the apartments feel like a SoHo loft with exposed brick, etc. I have a good feeling about that one.

Am supposed to find out from cousin today whether I'm going to be here for 10 months or 2 years. Am looking forward to finding out what the hell I'm doing.

Men Can Be Gross

Oh yeah. So I'm in the elevator of my hotel at 3am last night/this morning and there were two men in there. They chatted me up for a second. Fine. One gets off. The other one stays on. He tells me he's from Long Island and his name is Solomon. He reaches his floor and says, "Where are we meeting up tomorrow night?"

I hate it when men phrase a question like that. It's not a yes/no answer so you have to give them a longer one. I said, "I have plans." Then he wanted me to come to his room for a glass of wine. I said, "I'll see you around, Solomon, good night."

I felt like such a hooker. I didn't look like one though so why in the HELL would he think I would go back to his room. He was about 50 years old, fat, ugly, etc.

Some men can be so gross.

GREAT Day in Hong Kong!

I had such a great day yesterday! Went to the gym and had a good workout. Then went to IFC Mall (HUGE mall) and got my hair cut by Olivier. He did SUCH a great job. My hair was in desperate need of a haircut so I feel much better. And he costs the same as a haircut in the states so that's good.

I had one of those "life is crazy" moments as this Chinese kid was shampooing my hair. He had the gentlest hands. I thought, "Why am I in Hong Kong and some Chinese kid is washing my hair?" Haha...

So then I walked around town with a big fat smile on my face as my hair looked fabulous. Went up the escalator. It's not just any escalator. It's the longest escalator in the world. Over 2,600 ft. long. It's fabulous. It's SO hilly and humid here that they need it.

I had lunch at Staunton's which is a great place to people watch in Soho. The guy next to me struck up a conversation. His name is Jan (hee hee) and he grew up in Manhattan. Very cool. Not cute for dating but he's been here 2 1/2 years so he probably has some fun friends. We might hang out tonight.

Then I saw a couple apartments. This woman Alice showed them to me and she rocks. She's about 4'5", big bug eyes, sweats more than me, has a huge pot belly that hangs out of her shirt...but she immmeeeeeediately understood what type of apartment I want. Showed me a great one in a building called Prince's Terrace. It's now the apartment to beat. I'm going to see another one today and more on Monday and Tuesday.

For dinner I went back to Staunton's and was annoyed because the hostess seated me at a table behind a wall so I couldn't see anyone. So I pulled out my Economist magazine so as to look intelligent and ate dinner.

There were three people next to me and when I paid my bill they asked me to join them. They were SO much fun. An Aussie guy, a British guy and a Scottish girl. The Aussie and Scottish girl are dating. She's moving here in January. I'm going to make her be my friend because she really cool.

I had a couple drinks with them and then more of their friends came. Three Swedish people, Sara, Stefan and Tina. Sara and Stefan are brother and sister and Stefan is cute! He played hockey for a year at a college in Minnesota. Sara is going to include me in a weekly club called "The 5:01 Club". It's tons of people that get together for happy hour every Friday. They pick a new bar each week. She said they're a really fun group. And she's a really cool person so it should be great.

I was out until 3am. Oy. Now I'm going to grab something to eat and go see an apartment.

I love meeting people from all over the world. It's so interesting. And especially here they all have open and outgoing personalities because no one knows anyone when they move here so we're all in the same boat. And everyone wants to help out the new kid because it makes them feel good.

This is so much fun!

HK - so far, so good...

I arrived safely in HK this past Tuesday and have had a great time so far. I met with Mandy on Wednesday and the only things she needs me to help her with are:

1. Her Christmas List
2. Taking a picture of the family for the Christmas Card
3. Reading travel magazines to stay abreast of the best resorts, hotels, restaurants around the world
4. Helping her with travel coordination
5. Some personal finance stuff

That's it. I'll meet with my cousin, Randy, tomorrow to see what all he needs from me. I'll mostly be working for him. Which is great because my fear that I'd be scheduling Mandy's hair appointments is not coming true. Phew. We'll also work out when I'm moving here. Mandy and I agreed that it'll be easier for me to work for them if I'm in HK. Plus, the more I thought about it the more it'll be frustrating to contantly be going back and forth between NYC and HK. As soon as I feel settled in one place I'll be packing my bags to go to the other. I don't want to live like that. If I'm going to do it...I might as well just commit to HK.

Plus, Mandy has forwarded me links to a couple apartments and they....are...awesome! She's so cool. Understands that I don't want to live where they live - even though it's beautiful - because it's too residential and not near the single/ex-pat nightlife. One apartment building is geared towards men ages 25-45. Besides the obvious benefit of being surrounded by men the apartments have a smaller kitchen (fine), a 42" plasma TV (awesome), a walk-in closet (even better), a terrace with a grill (sweet!) AND a golf driving range and putting green on the roof (SOLD!).

Apparently, I'm a guy.

I've had Remi here which has been a blessing. Although, I have to keep reminding myself that she doesn't live here and will soon be gone and I'll have to make friends. Although, I do have Cameron (friend from LA) which is great. And Mandy's trainer, Joss, who's apparently a cool girl. Haven't met her yet.

And I have a couple other connections too. It's all good. Not worried.

The city is interesting. REALLY dense and hilly. More upscale shopping than any one person should have access to. Remi and I walked through 4 HUGE malls in about 30 minutes yesterday.

I don't really feel that far away. Probably helps that Remi and Cameron are here. But even though there are mostly Asians here there are enough "other people" so it just feels "international with a heavy Asian slant." It's so westernized I feel as though I'm in a different version of NY in a way.

And now for the real reason I'm going to move here...

The Scottish Oatcakes.

No? Haven't heard of them? I pity you.



They smell like shit but are OH SO DELICIOUS in my tummy. And apparently are "Orang-utan Friendly" as their free from Palm Oil.

Good to know.

Annoying Day

So I’m in line at Grey Dogs by myself getting ready to order some breakfast. I’m used to eating by myself. It rarely bothers me, but today…it bothered me.

It was late morning on a Sunday so the place was packed with couples who had just rolled out of bed after no doubt having had sex the night before. I told myself that my Saturday night with my vibrator and then a pillow behind my back was a pretty damn good temporary filler for a man [sigh]. The couple in line behind me were very much in love with each other. Which I think is great. I’m not one of those people that hates happy couples when I’m single. I’m truly happy for them.

But this particular couple was annoying the shit out of me. He would give her a big hug every 60 seconds and when he did he would say something sweet like, “You’re so beautiful” and then she would giggle and then the weight of him hugging her would force her arm to move just enough so that her big ass purse would hit me in the butt.

This happened over…and over…and over…and over again.

With every hit in the ass it was like I was being reminded…

[hit] “I’m single.”
[hit] “I’m single.”
[hit] “I’m single.”

I did the turn-around-and-give-a-annoyed-look move and she finally said “sorry” but proceeded to hit me another 12 times.

Then the host guy who helps you find a table asks me if I’m eating in. I confirm that indeed I am. He says, “Wellll, I’m going to have to put you at that table on the end over there. We don’t usually get singles in here.”

Now he had the best of intentions and was a really sweet guy…and I was feeling a bit sensitive after receiving a barrage of ass taps reminding me of my relationship status…but he shouldn’t have said that.

I wanted to cry but I sucked it up and said, “That’s fine. I’ll sit wherever.”

After ordering, I sat down and just stared at everyone in the place as I forgot to bring something to read.

It took way too long for the food to come out. But it finally did. And I reminded myself that I just happen to be single right now. It won’t be forever.

It’ll just feel like it.

I'm off!

Flying to Hong Kong tomorrow. Mixed feelings. This is a huge opportunity that most people would kill for and I am really excited about it. But I suppose it's the having to leave NYC and not knowing exactly what my job's going to entail that are the big negatives.

Regardless...I'm sure to have some great adventures ahead!

Here we go.......

Hong Kong...yay!

So I had an "I Love NY" day and was feeling bummed to leave it for Hong Kong and then I just got this email from a friend of a friend - a French banker/sailor guy - and I was all of a sudden in a better mood:

Hi Stacey,

Welcome to HK ! Chad had indeed given me a heads-up on your imminent
arrival and my mission here will be to help you settle in, feel at home
and take up residence :-p (I came here for a 12 month project
originally and have been here for 4 1/2 years now). As most of us have,
think you will love it if shown the "real" sides (that visitors usually
don't get to see).

Hong Kong? Eh...

I'm not that excited about Hong Kong. I know I should be but I'm just not. I think I was finally getting into a groove socially in NY and I really love the city so I'm sad I might have to leave it. It's one thing to say, "Suuuure, I'll move to Hong Kong and London" but it's a whole other thing to actually do it.

I'm only going for a month at first and am then coming back to NYC but I have a feeling I'll be moving to Hong Kong soon. I'm basing this on comments my cousin has made in emails about the situation.

It's all good and will be an amazing adventure but I suppose it's all just hitting me today. I LOVE the location of my apartment and will be really sad to give it up. Eh, hopefully I can return after all of this and afford my OWN apartment in the same location.

Maybe part of it too is that I don't want to actually have to....you know....work. Haha. I've been able to get paid to do nothing for the past 9 months and I've gotten used to it. Im such a lazy piece of crap.

I am looking forward to buying a digital SLR camera and taking some great pictures while I'm there. I need new inspiration. I feel like every part of New York has already been photographed 1,000 times.

The Weekend So Far - 9/8/07

God, I was so drunk last night. Got home at friggin' 5am. WHY oh WHY do I feel the need to check AND SEND emails when I'm wasted? And not just personal, but work emails too? Bad, bad, bad habit.

I had fun talking with this guy last night. At the beginning of the night he didn't seem to care at all who I was and that bugged the shit out of me so my goal was to win him over...which I did. Mission accomplished. Just tell me I can't do something or someone doesn't like me and I'll spend the rest of my life trying to prove you wrong.

I got my karaoke on so about 75 lucky New Yorkers' ears were filled with my amazing smooth-as-silk voice (which is non-existent today because it's apparently not a good idea to have 7 drinks and scream "Be With You" by Mr. Big at the top of your lungs).

I was at the US Open all day today. Gotta love getting 5 hours of drunk sleep...waking up with mascara all over your face and an empty package of swiss cheese on the floor by your bed (I need to hit the grocery store)...sitting in the hot sun all day in the fear-of-heights-inducing "S" row of the 300 section...while wanting to puke up everything you put into your body the night before.

Cheers. Good stuff.

I'm mean...seriously? I haven't learned this lesson yet? I swear to God.

It actually wasn't that bad but it was more fun to exaggerate. It's the Southern girl in me.

I'm playing tennis with my roommate tomorrow. I do this to myself every time I watch a Grand Slam tournament. The pros make it look so easy I think, "This time when I play I'm going to hit the ball really well because I just needed to see how it's done again to refresh my memory." I spend an hour trying to find the one tennis skirt I own so I look like I play all the time...walk onto the court with the confidence of Roger Federer...proceed to hit the ball everywhere except where it's supposed to go...get more and more pissed off at how much I suck...cuss like a sailor...walk off the court with less tennis balls than when I arrived as I most certainly hit one, two or - who am I kidding - all three balls over the fence (Recent reports indicate that some of my miss hits are about to re-enter the Earth's orbit and one from a few years ago was unfortunately just downgraded to the status of "dwarf planet" which was a bummer)...then try to convince myself it's okay that I can't play the way I used to...and go do something I'm still good at. Like, watch TV. Or, make toast.

So that's what I'll be doing tomorrow.

Tidbit from the Wedding

This weekend I was, yet again, a real life reflection of that really super fun phrase, "Always a bridesmaid, never a bride" as I was a bridesmaid, yet again, in another wedding.

I'm always genuinely excited for these girls when they get engaged and ask me to be a special part of the ceremony. But soon after they tell me they're engaged and want me to be a bridesmaid my smile fades a bit and I proceed to go through some, if not all, of the following thoughts as they're telling me the story of how they got engaged:

"Awww, I'm so excited for her! She seems so happy!"
"When the fuck is it going to be my turn?"
"Whatever. I have a great life. I can do whatever I want, whenever I want."
"When was the last time I had sex?"
"I hope the bridesmaid dresses aren't A-line with a back zipper. I hate those. I have to hold in my gut the whole time."
"This is going to cost me a friggin' fortune. No vacation for me this year."
"I'm not the only single bridesmaid am I? Is there one that's at least bigger than me? I hate being the biggest bridesmaid."
"Will there be anyone to hook up with at the wedding?"
"If I have to suck on a penis straw I'm going to shoot myself."
"Alright, I won't shoot myself but I'll be really pissed."
"I gotta start working out."
"I'm in the mood for some ice cream."
"With sprinkles."

That all runs through my head in about 30 seconds. Then I say, "Your ring is GORRRRGEOUS!" I'm not lying or being insincere when I say that. They're all gorgeous. They're friggin' diamonds. You can't go wrong.

This particular wedding was in Middleburg, VA on Labor Day weekend. We had already gone to Montreal for the Formula 1 race as our bachelor/bachelorette party and incurred the expense of that trip. Now we had to fly to DC, rent a car, drive to Middleburg and get a hotel room for the wedding. I always bitch about the cost and logistical annoyance of these trips but in the end, once I'm there, I have a fabulous time.

Of course it's always more fabulous if there's a guy to hookup with at the wedding. I had met all of the groomsman in Montreal so I knew there were no potentials in that crew, but I was holding onto the minuscule hope that there'd be that one handsome, lonesome stranger that found my charm and hairsprayed up-do irresistible.

No such luck.

Oh, there was a lonesome guy there all right. But handsome he was not. He was about 5'3". Poor thing. He too was on the prowl for a wedding hookup and was hitting on me at the rehearsal dinner. Very flattering.......but no thank you. That night I joked about him with my friend who was sharing a hotel room with me (always lookin' for ways to cut the costs). Turns out she hooked up with him a couple times in the past and said he's weird. We joked about how big our bed is, how small he is and how funny the visual would be of this guy joining us.

Cut to the reception.

My friend that's sharing my hotel room is wasted and making out with Shorty McGee at a table in the back. Apparently he's not that weird. After the reception, I return to our hotel room and assume she went to his hotel to get her post-reception groove on. But oh no....she busts into the hotel room, hair looking like she was auditioning for the role of "Medusa," and giggles as she says:

Her: [whispering] "I'm gonna sleep with Joe."
Me: "That's great! You going over to his place?"
Her: [whispering] "No, here."
Me: ".........................Heh?"
Her: [whispering] "We won't do anything in the bed, I swear."

I tell her that this does not make me happy. Meanwhile Shortcake is pacing in the hallway, hands in his pocket, looking down with an "aw shucks" look on his face. I tell him to come in, it's fine. I'm still annoyed though but decide there's nothing I can do about it because I thought everyone was asleep and I have nowhere else to go. There are no cabs in this town, or street lights, so I can't kick the guy to the curb. He can't remember how to get to his hotel.

So there we are. The Happy Threesome. Me, Medusa and Sprout. So naive was I, the night before, as I joked about this exact scenario coming true.

Another bridesmaid knocks on the door, as she wants to return something she had borrowed earlier, sees all of us in the bed and with a what-the-hell-is-going-on-HERE tone asks, "Hey guys...what's......goin' ooooooon???"

I say, "Joe's spending the night! Isn't that fantastic?!"

Luckily, there were some other folks awake so I joined them downstairs in our Bed & Breakfast (in just a t-shirt that says "I [heart] Beer", by the way, as that's all I brought for PJ's) and one girl said I could sleep with her. She was the bastard child that got the tiniest room in the B&B that only had a pull out sofa. Thank God/Allah/Angelina Jolie for her. So instead of sleeping in my comfy, huge bed I was sharing a pull-out sofa while my friend gets it on with Pee Wee the Hook Up King.

At least she got some. If they had just passed out I would've been really pissed.

So I'm REALLY looking forward to my next wedding. It's in March. It's my sister's who's 8 years younger than me. And I'm her maid of honor. I can't wait for the convergence of free booze, my deep-seeded hatred of being single and a photographer capturing every goddamn moment for all time.

P.S. I just ate 2 chocolate bars and want to throw up.

Weekend update 9/4

Leigh's wedding was this weekend. Had a great time. Beautiful scenery. Free food and drink. Didn't get too drunk. No drama. Didn't flub my speech too badly. Caught up with some cool friends. Good stuff.

Leigh looked absolutely beautiful. Will post pictures as soon as I get them developed and get some from everyone who was there.

Everyone at work finally knows I'm leaving and a friend from high school is replacing me and was just officially hired 30 minutes ago. I feel so much better.

Now I get to sit back and wait a couple weeks for the next chapter of my life to begin. Very excited.

Hong Kong it is!

Surprisingly Good Song To Power Walk To

The Song: "Hazy Shade of Winter" by The Bangles

Why: Actually, not surprising as much as "Oh yeahhhh, THAT song!" The beat is perfect and since this song was in that movie, "Less Than Zero" it makes me think of druggies which makes me want to be the opposite of that - really in shape - which makes me walk fast.

I just report what goes through my head, people. I can't control it. So if you're thinking, "This chick is nuts!" then you might as well get off the friend bus now because it's only going to get worse the older I get.

Surprisingly Good Song To Power Walk To

Song: "Just Like Heaven" by The Cure

Why: The beat is timed perfectly for power walking and it reminds me of a guy named Jack Volker that I had a crush on in high school. He was a little on the punk side and was into The Cure. So it makes me think of him and how I liked him which makes me think of sex which makes me think about getting skinny so I can attract a boy to have sex with me.

Weekend update 8/27

Saw "Superbad" Friday night. AWESOME! I loved it. Michael Cera can do no wrong. He delivered one of the funniest lines I've ever heard in a movie. If you haven't seen his site www.clarkandmichael.com or the movie you should go now.

Saturday, despite the 92 degrees with 100% humidity, I decided to walk the Brooklyn Bridge. First went to Grey Dogs though for some good eats/energy. THEN walked to the bridge...walked to Brooklyn and back...then walked down to the financial district and sat across from the NYSE people-watching for awhile. Took some pictures. Then walked to the water and up to Battery Park and then up the West Side Hwy back home. Was walking for about 3 hours. I love this city!

Didn't go out Saturday night. Everyone is at their "house on Fire Island" and I didn't feel like it as I went out Wednesday and Thursday night with Bob Fisher (old friend from LA).

Had fun with Bob while he was in town though. Took me to Pearl Oyster Bar for the lobster rolls which I think are overrated. I'm becoming a food snob but I suppose that's what great NY restaurants will do to you.

Sunday I got the NY Times and had brunch at the counter at Balthazar. Had never eaten there before. GREAT French Toast. There was the proverbial, talkative, old, drunk guy sitting next to me. Drank a martini and then a beer. I made it clear that I was REALLY into my article about how China's falling apart by never letting my eyes deviate from the page. The second I was done with the article and put it down he leaned over and said, "I'm from Chicago." I thought, "Here we go. But maybe he'll be one of those cool old guys that once had drinks with Sinatra or something."

No such luck. He had a lot of nothing interesting to say and I felt bad because I had to make him repeat everything because I have horrible hearing and that place was loud. He was nice though.

Anyway...that was about it but it was another "I'm trying to appreciate all that NYC has to offer in case I have to leave" weekend.

My Aunt Cindi is in town this week because my cousin Kayla is going to a liberal arts school in the city. So we're all going to Artisinal tomorrow night. YUMMMMMMY!

To An Email Forwarder

Dear [email of offender],

We at [your email address] have enjoyed receiving email forwards from your account over the years, however we wish to make you aware of an important fact. Your use of the formerly popular "click forward and send" method of delivery results in the deletion of up to 90% of your emails.

We wish to continue our long-standing relationship so in that spirit, and in the spirit of technological progress, we’d like to suggest an alternate method of delivery. You see, by simply cutting and pasting the "meat" of your email and distributing that part - and only that part – to your friends and family you will save them years of frustration to come (alternately, if it’s a video/photo file please save the video to your desktop and then simply attach the file to your email).

Your stubborn insistence at using the "click forward and send" method - although admittedly much easier - infuriates us as we are forced to either (1) use a variety of computer troubleshooting tricks (along with magic and a strong belief in miracles) to find the point of your email, or (2) scroll through innumerable headers which list email accounts of recipients past (we admit it is an interesting look into the Six Degrees of Separation Theory, however the process severely dilutes our interest in your email while simultaneously chips away at our soul).

Now [your email address] does not shy away from a good challenge. Nay, we dare say the opposite is true. But enough is enough. A July 2007 study on the effects of receiving emails from your account concluded that we now suffer from the following ailments: deeper frown lines, loss of appetite, sleep deprivation, perfuse sweating, illicit drug use, vertigo, mysteriously bloody knuckles and a growing pile of broken laptops accruing on the ground outside our window.

It is therefore [your email address]’s request that you take time to reflect on the frustration you have caused not only [your email address] but tens, if not hundreds, of other accounts. It is our hope that after said reflection you will arrive at the only rational conclusion: Immediately ceasing and desisting the "click forward and send" method (aka "the way of the lazyass") and ease the suffering of countless email accounts while simultaneously catapulting your positive standing amongst the email community.

Your attention to this urgent matter will be much appreciated.

Respectfully Yours,
VP Sanity Protection
[your email address]

Nicknames

It's after 1am and I can't sleep. Why can't I sleep? Because my brain never shuts the fuck off. Tonight, instead of sleeping, it was thinking about how I have to give everyone a nickname so that when I describe that person to my roommate or my mom or someone who hasn't met most of these people...he/she knows who I'm talking about.

So then my brain started going through the list of all the nicknames I've given friends and I thought I would type it out. Oh, it won't help me sleep. No, no, silly. But at least my brain will be tired of this subject and move on to something else.

I'm tired of typing the phrase "my brain" so I think I shall give it a name.....how about....Robin Williams? Just for now until I think of something better. Or, Coked-Up Robin Williams? That's it. I shall call my brain Coked-Up Robin Williams. Think of how annoying that guy was in his hay day...and that's what my brain is like.

Luckily, no one I might have a shot with romantically will read this blog post because me suspects I just killed it right there. Having my name mentally attached to the image of a coked-up Robin Williams = no love for me.

That hairy back...[shudder]

Anyway...the fact that it is indeed after 1am will serve as my excuse for why anyone may have been left off the list. And none of these nicknames are meant to perfectly describe anyone. They're a means to an end. I say the name...the listener of my story now knows who I'm talking about...sound speed...aaaaaaaand ACTION.

Roommate From LA Sarah
My 2 Good Girl Friends From LA Remi & Carrie
Little Sister in Florida Kathryn
Girl I Stayed With in Brooklyn Amy
Asshole Ex-Boyfriend Dave
Toronto Joe
Adria the Model
My Friend That's Getting Married Leigh
Hot Actor Boy Jeffrey
My Old Boss Paul
Yoga Dan
Crazy Editor Girl Daley
Old Work Buddy Ramin
Bad Actor Guy I Lived With in LA Bruno
Lori Who Married Eric and Who Had That Wedding in Atlanta
Bob The Guy Who's Apartment I Always Stayed in When I Visited NY
Rich Cousin Randy
Guy I Had a Date with When I Went Home Over July 4th Chase
The Girl Managing the Blog With Me Alex
Bitter Guy at Work Gabe
My Boss in LA Roy
Navy Pilot Brett
Jake Who Hung Out With Julio and All of Us in High School
That Guy Who Owns Every Website Known To Man Mr. Diller
The Jenn That's Living in Atlanta but I Knew Her From UGA and LA
The Jenn That's Sometimes a Lesbian and Sometimes Not
My Friend Jessica Who I Know Through Leigh and White Water
My New Friend Jeannie
My New Friend Jeannine Not the Jeannie Girl but the Other One

Since I'm on the subject of nicknames I feel I must type out the list of the people from my LA Crew. I spent a LOT of my time with these guys and they have the BEST nicknames:

Chip
Skids
Charlie
Fuf (pronounced "foof")
D-Gus
RV
Clancy
Cam
Poisonella
Halloran
Ham
Ham (yes, there were two)
Tsubo
Probst
Kersey
Ayshe (pronounced "eye-shuh")
Mav
Chad & Macrae

That's it. It's 1:38am. Buh-byeeeezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... WAIT! I forgot...oh, fuck it.

In Case Anyone's In NYC on Sept. 8th

Below is an email I just sent to friends in NYC. Thought I'd paste it here on the off-chance someone's in NYC on Sept. 8th and wants to go with me.

Hey guys,

I got all excited when my company's discount ticket program emailed me a couple months back about U.S. Open tickets. And in that excited haze, I bought tickets to 2 different sessions without doing any research or apparently, rational thinking.

So I'm now stuck with nosebleed seats for Saturday, Sept. 8th but I still want to go as this is a lifelong dream of mine having grown up chasing the little yellow fuzzies and all. I have two tickets for the 1st session at 11am (Woman's Finals) and two tickets for the 2nd session at 7pm (Men's Semi-Finals).

Tickets are $80 each. So if you want to go all day with me it'll cost you $160. BUUUUT as an added FREE bonus you'll also receive 12 continuous hours of my *sparkling* personality! That's an additional $5 value just for you...absolutely free! [echo effect...free, free, free) What a DEAL! Right?! Am I RIGHT?! I'll even throw in a hot dog and a coke for the first 2 takers. [sighhhhh]

These will no doubt be great matches to watch....on TV. You see, my roommate (a former pro tennis player) has informed me that it's exciting to be there but myself and the sucker I get to walk up 1,536 stairs with me to our shitty seats will surely need binoculars.

Can I sell, or can I sell? Huh? WHO'S WITH ME?!?!?! Don't wait! Call now! Operators are standing by (okay, it's me sitting at my computer in my X-Large "I Heart Guiness" T-shirt I got for free on St. Patty's Day...eating a Weight Watchers popsicle...well, my third popsicle...but, they're WEIGHT Watchers so they don't count...shut up).

Your serve,
Stacey